Coming back with a new installment form the “Conversations With A Mysterious Partner Series”. Two new things: a new (visiting) mysterious partner (like I told you, these mysterious partners, whose role is, obvious, to remain mysterious, will be many) and new gear. From a technical standpoint this should be better than the first one. Oh, and the third thing is that I’m trying to put a little bit of transcript as well. Enjoy and looking forward for your comments:
Today’s theme: what would you do when people put you in uncomfortable positions? A friend of mine recently told me that she feels very annoyed when people add her in all sort of Facebook groups. Every one in a while, everybody is put in an uncomfortable position. One of the most common, these days is: what you do when somebody adds you to a Facebook group or other community that you have nothing in common with.
Welcome to the third episode of the Conversations With A Mysterious Partner, we have another mysterious partner, she is behind the camera, and she is waving right now, in case you couldn’t hear, because we also have new gear, thanks to my very good friend and colleague, his name is Alex, and you may get to know him pretty soon. So, waiting for my mysterious partner answer.
Mysterious partner: well, the first thing you can do is to accept that you can’t control other people behavior.
So, the first thing you accept you can’t control other people behavior.
Mysterious partner: yes, and then I just exit the group, it’s just one simple action that I can do.
Ok, so you just exit the group, you try to reverse the situation. So, once you’re already put in an uncomfortable position, that could lead to other uncomfortable situations: being in that group may expose you to something even more unpleasant, so leaving the group lowers the chances for that to happen. So, what happens after that?
Mysterious partner: well, it’s the same drill, basically, on Facebook, people add me to all sorts of groups, so I just exit, I don’t get that annoyed, I try to accept that I can’t control other people behavior.
Ok, it happens, you reverse it. Have you ever tried to understand why are you “addable”, why are you prone to this, why this is happening to you? Because, in all honesty, this doesn’t happen to me, lately. During the last 2 years (I’m on Facebook for 7 years), this happened to me, I think, 3 times or 4 times. Whenever that happens, I’m like, you, very fast, I jump the gun and I remove myself from those groups, but it doesn’t happen so often. So, what do you think it may be the case that makes you prone to this type of behavior from other people. You cannot control it, but you can control…
Mysterious partner: Just stop befriending assholes
One thing. Yes, stop befriending assholes, it’s actually very important. Or, if you already have assholes in your Facebook list, be very clear about the amount of shit you expect from them. Because that will set their mind. Initially, they won’t be very clear and they’ll try to push it, to push it, to push it, but, as long as you continue telling them: why are you here from, what do you do on Facebook (I’m not here for Candy Crush Saga…)
Yes! That’s the best example! So, every time I was minding my own business, every two or three weeks, I was getting a Candry Crush Saga request. That was absolutely annoying. At some point, I started to put statuses like: “Oh, my god, what a blessing, somebody just removed herself from my list, by inviting me to play Candy Crush Saga”. And I started to get a lot of likes for these and everybody will start to cheer and comment: “Oh, I’m so with you in this one”. And that propagated the message. And soon that became part of my online persona.
Basically, what happens to us is not entirely other people’s fault, although we cannot control it. But we are sending signals. If you show yourself ready to do anything, sooner or later somebody will try to do anything to you. So, one way to do this is to continue to maintain a consistent dialogue, a consistent image. Everywhere, in social circles, in close relationships circle.
Because it goes like this everywhere. Your friends are taking advantage of you, they’re tipping you out of money, or your time, or your position, asking you to talk nice about them in front of their boss. It happened to me with the hub. Some of my friends started to abuse the space. Because we were friends and we used to share our Starbucks coaches, they somehow inferred they can do the same with the hub. And they started to use the rooms here without paying. It happened once, it happened twice, it happened a lot of times, actually.
So, I had to be very consistent. But not only towards them. But not only towards them, specifically. Because if you do this only unidirectional, it will help you litigate the problem with the perpetrator, once. But you have to do it consistently, so you can prevent it. The more you do it, the clearer is the message. People will start to think: “Oh, I don’t want to mess with this guy.”
Even, and this is something very interesting, related to your problem, with the Facebook group, even if I add this guy to my group, he will be such a pain in the ass. I don’t want this guy in my group. This guy will keep posting ironical messages, no, I don’t want this guy.
So, basically, by who you are, you’re selecting the people with whom you interact.
Mysterious partner: you select the people who select you.
Mysterious partner: it means don’t befriend assholes and set clear boundaries, not by isolating yourself, but by making it clear who you really are.
Well, that was today’s message and I think it was a very powerful message. Thank you to my mysterious partner for today, as always, she will remain mysterious. That’s the whole point in being mysterious. To remain mysterious.