The Lottery Scam

You know what a “Lottery Scam” is? If not, just bear with me for a second.

The “lottery scam” is a widely used con. It usually starts with the sending of a letter, in which the winning of a prize is announced. Somehow, you, the receiver of the letter, are suddenly entitled to that prize. You just won something. Isn’t that wonderful?

After you get in contact with the sender to clarify the details of your winnings, you are then asked to pay a little bit of money. It’s not much, compared to the winnings and it makes perfect sense, too. That money is either “processing money” or “tax” that you should just pay. And it’s not that much anyway.

After you pay that small amount of money, all of a sudden, your prize either disappears, or transforms itself into something completely worthless (like coupons for extremely expensive stuff you can’t afford anyway). It’s in that moment that you realize the small amount of money you were required to pay was really important. And lost. And that you’ve been scammed.

The Life Lottery Scam

When presented like this, this scam is relatively easy to be spotted and avoided. But the bad news is that the “lottery scam” works on many other levels. In fact, it activates some very deep switches, making us vulnerable on many areas. I call it “the life lottery scam”. Here are a few examples.

Suppose you’re a man and a beautiful woman enters your life. You are incredibly attracted to her and start telling to yourself that finally something good is coming into your life. She also seems attracted to you, but not too much. Just enough to be seen as a valuable prize, as something that you must fight for.

And fighting is what you do. You fiercely begin your struggle and start spending small amounts of stuff (not talking specifically about money, it’s also time and emotional support) knowing that the value of the final prize will be so big, that will make these small investments look ridiculously small.

And spend, and spend, and spend until, at some point, tired or even broke, you want your prize. You know you won the lottery, you paid your “processing fees” and now you want the reward. Alas, you will instantly find out that the reward was never there. As in the classical lottery scam, it’s either completely nonexistent (the woman simply dumps you) or it’s just something you don’t want (like the “let’s just be friends and I told you already you shouldn’t expect more than that from me anyway” thing we all got at some point in our lives).

What happened? You traded some amounts of your life (translated into various types of support, like time, money or emotions) on something that you thought it will be an order of magnitude higher. But you forgot one essential aspect: you were never signed up to that competition. Most of the time there’s no competition at all. You thought you were in, because you wanted to, and, most of the time, that’s what you’ve been lured to believe. But in reality, there was never an authentic intention for a real bonding from the other side.

Many of the relationships I see around myself are just variations of this specific case. One of the partners is a parasite to the other, feeding with his or her money, or time or emotional support, in an endless expectation of the other partner for a bigger exchange, that, of course, never happens. That’s a very common “life lottery scam”.

But it also happens in jobs, or in professional relationships. For instance, during some conversations with your boss, you suddenly start to perceive small hints that a new promotion will be in place soon. Also, you get some signals that you’re going to be a “real candidate” for it.

What do you do? You start working your ass for it like never before, because you now know that you already won the prize. Finally, something good is happening to you at this stupid job. But when the promotion time arrives, you either learn that it was never something about a promotion, or that somebody else will get it in your place.

Again, you traded your work hours, your ideas, your input for something that you thought it’s a done deal. Only it wasn’t. Just another form of “life lottery scam”.

The Surprising Scammer

One very important difference between the standard “lottery scam” and what I call the “life lottery scam” is about the scammer. In the standard “lottery scam“ this is very easy to spot. It’s another person (sometimes a group) who just wants your money. But in the ”life lottery scam“, the scammer – and I’m sure this is gonna be a huge surprise for you – is not always outside.

Most of the time, the scammer is you. Yes, you. You project your expectations, and goals, and hopes on a certain situation, without properly assessing it. You think you won something, without really taking the time to be sure about it. You just think you did. You take your suppositions for granted and start to build on this incredibly thin foundation. And when the weight of the building is reaching a critical point, namely when you want your ”prize“, the foundation collapses.

And it’s only then that you realize that you weren’t in any competition at all. There was no prize to be won. You just traded your time on a ghost. More important, on a ghost you created yourself.

You Can’t Win A Competition You Never Signed Up For

The bottom line in this scam – and the reason for this blog post – is that you can’t win a nonexistent competition. Or one that you never signed up for. If something looks too good to be true, then it usually is to good to be true. Just ask questions until you get your answers. And, most important, start by asking questions to yourself. Investigate, uncover any half-explained information, immerse yourself totally in any interaction until you find out what you need to find out. Which usually is just the answer to a very simple question: “is this for real?”.

There is this secret desire that something will happen outside us, something that will drastically improve our existence. And this desire grows stronger and stronger over years. The less you do your work, the more you expect somebody else to do it for you.

Well, I got news: there’s nobody out there capable of doing your work. Only you.

Life Is A Pitch. And Then You Win

I can’t take credit for this title. At least, not for the whole title, only for the second part. The first part is actually the name of an event at which I was invited just a few days ago. It was a four hours long event dedicated to young entrepreneurs, specifically web entrepreneurs. I was part of the panel and my job there was to give to the attendees as much info as I could about how they could make a pitch as interesting as possible for a potential investor.

Interestingly enough, at the same time I was part of a larger event, Venture Connect (briefly wrote about it here). In this one I played even a bigger part, as a board member, evaluating businesses which expressed their interest in receiving a funding round. To make a long story short, we selected 11 online business to be presented in front of an audience formed by investors. One of the things I did the other day was to train the selected entrepreneurs. What was the training about? Pitching, of course.

As much as I want to talk about these events in greater detail, I won’t do it. Simply because I want to talk about something else.  But I won’t leave this topic without saying that Life Is A Pitch was just a small part of the biggest event dedicated to the online industry in Romania, NetCamp. I am still involved in this event, both as a board member in Venture Connect and as a speaker, I will have a presentation in the last day.

Now, let’s get back to our pitch problem. Why is a pitch important? What is a pitch, anyway? And what exactly you can get out of a successful pitch?

A Little Bit Of Background

3 years ago I decided it’s time to sell my business. It took me about 14 months from the start to end. I pitched my business in front of 7 potential investors and entered in negotiations with 2 of them. Both went up to the due diligence process but in the end only one remained.

Looking back at the entire succession of events I can see now that the most important part was the first one: the pitching. That part carried the seeds of the entire process. The unfolding of all phases was contained on that  initial spark.

What Is A Pitch?

In short, a pitch is an opportunity, limited in time and space, which will create a positive disruption in your current status-quo. Two parts agree to evaluate a situation (in this case, a business) and, if they come up with a common plan, they put the basis of a transaction which will transform that situation in a better one. For both parts. The pitcher will receive support (financial, logistic, know-how) and the investor will receive an amplifier for this money.

A successful pitch will have to give a consistent answer to the following 5 questions:

1. What is my business about and how I make money? Product or service description.
2. Who am I and who is in my team? Skills, experience, organizational culture.
3. What is my market? Where do I move and how this market looks like.
4. What makes me different? My unique approach and added value.
5. Why should somebody invest his money in my business? A very concise answer. Investors don’t have time.

As simple as it seems, many experienced entrepreneurs are shifting away from the basis and try all sort of spectacular approaches, hoping that they’ll catch the investor eye for a second more than the last pitcher. Well, they didn’t. As a matter of fact, the more complicated, convoluted and elaborated a pitch is, the lower the chances to get a one to one conversation with the investor. Big part of my training the other day was about keeping the entrepreneurs on the “keep it simple, smarty” track.

And one of the things I kept saying to them was about a success story we had at the first edition of the event. It was about a job-related business which received 500.000 EUR in funding after they participated at the event. Their pitch was dead simple and confident.

How To Make A Life Pitch

After the training session, while I was driving home, something hit me. A thought was circling into my mind, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. And all of sudden, I realized it in a simple and incredibly powerful sentence: if you ask properly, you will receive. I know, I know, I had the same reaction. The religious approach of “ask and you shall receive”, (which, by the way, is not only in the Cristian Church). All that blah-blah from the Law Of Attraction. It all comes down to this, after all. The way you ask. Or, in other words, the way you pitch your “investor”.

As I got home, I started to look again at those questions and realized that they are applying almost unchanged to any life pitch you can make. When you ask for help. When you ask for divine support. Or, if you prefer, when you invoke the Law Of Attraction (substitute the receiver of your pitch with whoever you’re comfortable with). A prayer is just another word for a pitch in front of a benevolent investor, who is able to put his good will into your life. Changing your life for good, putting it on a new track. So, you’d better be prepared when you’re ready to face this “investor”. You don’t want to lose the next round of your life financing because you made a lousy pitch.

So, here are the re-written guidelines for a life pitch.

1. What is my personal mission statement? What do I actually do in this life. People have a hard time to understand what they really do in their life. What is their direction. Where do they actually go. Because you can really set sail to some destination and get there. That’s what a personal mission statement does (among other things).
2. Who are the people I love the most and what makes us powerful together? You’re not traveling alone. Never. You carry around people who are precious to you in many ways. People you love. People that makes your life worthwhile living.
3. Who are the beneficiaries of my actions? What is the life market in which I’m acting right now? That’s a very important answer. Too many times we forget who are the people who get the hit when we blow up something. Or who are the people who get the benefits of what we call work. They’re very, very important. Because they can validate us.
4. What is my unique contribution to this world? How do I create value? What is my unique selling proposition. How do I put this into a phrase? Am I the cleverest guy on the planet? The nicest? The most lovable? Take an honest look at yourself and find what makes you different. Even if that was the most difficult thing to bear for you. Or especially because of that. Too often, your biggest liability is in fact your biggest asset.
5. Why should I be worthy of living a better life? Be brief. The “investor” is incredibly astute and he’s also short on time. There are so many others pitching their own life pitches as we speak.

Just try to give a consistent and coherent answer to all of these. In the comments, if you want. On your own blog, if you have one (just send a link back so I know about you). And let me know if you got your “one to one” conversation with your “life investor”.

And also, if you actually received the funding your life need to make that huge, positive disruption.

33 Ways To Care

Caring for somebody is the ultimate form of freedom. Whenever you genuinely care for somebody else, you’re setting yourself free. Free from judging, free to accept the other one exactly for who she/he is, free to express your love without a reason. Caring is also one of the rarest attitudes in the modern world, where most of the time is perceived as a form of weakness, if not as plain stupidity. To such an extent that people almost forgot how to express it. Here are 33 ways to help you remember how to care.

1. Support

Don’t just look at the other, acknowledging from a distance his actions, his intentions, his ideas. Support her/his actions. Put yourself into the other person shoes. Help that person, if you can. Say something nice, at least. Or just do things that will ease or support her/his activities. Be there somehow in flesh and bones.

2. Don’t Hold A Grudge

People say or do things that you may not like. But remember that all people are ok. Their actions may not be in sync with what you want or with what you expect. That doesn’t mean the people who performed those actions are not worthy of your attention. On the contrary. Maybe that’s the time they’ll need you the most.

3. Give Advice Only When It’s Needed

People have their own minds, their own expectations, their own lives. Give advice only when it’s needed, otherwise you will obtain the opposite effect. Your genuine intention to help will be in fact perceived as a pressure. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for somebody is to let him hit his own wall.

4. Don’t Take Crap

Rejecting crap (in all of its forms: words, actions, attitudes) is not only a form of self-respect, but also a way to show them that you really care: “I understand you and I see what you’re doing, but I’m not taking it”. Eventually, they’ll realize there’s something wrong somewhere. If you find it difficult to avoid crap, start practicing your “No”’s.

5. Share

Share a nice word. A good joke. A meal. A book you’ve recently read. A place on the bench in the park. Share your good mood and your ideas. Share your memories and experience. Sharing your life with other people will enrich them at least as much as it will fill you with joy and comfort. Sharing IS caring.

6. Avoid Fighting

When there’s too much pressure in a relationship, that compressed energy tends to explode uncontrollably in fights. Don’t go there. A fight is an act of selfishness: “look, I’m so pissed off that I need to let out steam and I don’t care about you”. Instead, find ways to recycle that aggressiveness and balance your energies.

7. Reciprocate

If you received a nice word, give it back. If you received a gift, give one back. If somebody smiled at you, return the smile. If you don’t reciprocate, you break a subtle channel of energies that are building our day to day experience. Soon, you’ll be disconnected. Not able to receive or to give care anymore.

8. Protect

Things can break down. Relationships can lose momentum. Feelings can fade away. Everything can disappear, dissolve, get lost, unless you don’t actively protect it. Pay attention to your stuff. Fortify your relationships. Nurture you feelings. Protect what you really care for. What you give will come back to you somehow.

9. Get Out Of The Way

Sometimes you gotta understand that you’re the one that’s holding things back. You are the obstacle in the other person way. For the sake of “good old times”, or just because you’re feeling insecure. The best thing to do for somebody is to set her/him free. Get out of the way and let them break free. You’ll be ok. They’ll be ok too.

10. Say Thank You

As often as you can. There is no imaginable context in which you cannot say “thank you” when somebody does something for you. Or at least I can’t imagine such a context. Saying “thank you” is not only the simplest form of respect, but also the easiest way to show that you’re just caring.

11. Listen

At least as much as you talk. If you don’t listen, something strange will happen: soon you’ll run out of things to talk about. Listening is what feeds your thoughts, what triggers new ideas, what confirms your suppositions. Remember how you felt last time when somebody listened to you? That’s what I’m talking about.

12. Trust

If you can. Give to the other person all the freedom she/he’s asking for. Even if that freedom crosses the boundaries you’d be willing to accept. That’s the only way to find out if you’re in a healthy relationship. If you don’t have reasons to trust the other, then don’t. In this case, you will show that you care about yourself.

13. Forgive

Forgiveness is an incredible gift. Unfortunately, it’s heavily underused. We still don’t understand the benefits of forgiveness as a mundane, daily act. We either push it into the religion realm, taking its life away by making it a dead, dogmatic concept, either avoid it all together as a social “faux pas”. Just let go. The person who’s freed by forgiveness is you.

14. Get Involved

One of the miracles of life is that you are at the same time the observer and the player in this huge game. You can watch, but you can also do. Getting involved means helping the game going on. Being just an observer and experiencing feelings of compassion will never help you genuinely care about somebody. You can’t really care if you’re not there.

15. Teach Others

If you learned something, don’t keep it to yourself. Go out and teach others. Maybe you think your life is not worthy of such an honor, maybe you think you’re just an ordinary person. And that might be true. But there are millions of ordinary persons in this world who can benefit from your experience.

16. Inspire

Sometimes all you have to do is to live a life of freedom. Live the adventure, become extraordinaire and others will pick up. It’s called inspiration. Focus on what you do better and in the end, other people will tune in to your vibration and start to do extraordinaire stuff by themselves. Be a great blogger a loving father or just you. But be great at being you.

17. Motivate

If inspiration is not enough, don’t be afraid to push it further, to motivate directly. Motivation does not last, they say, but so it’s bathing. This is why is recommended to be done every day (Zig Ziglar said that, not me). Make a list of what motivates you and share it. You’ll be surprised how many people will care about it.

18. Pay Attention

To what the other one is doing. Just look at how he talks, how he looks, what actions he performs. Your attitude will channel a flow of invisible energy which will somehow validate and support her/him. Your attention, your focus, is what builds your reality. Putting your focus on the other one will make her/him alive.

19. Remember

It’s not only about birthdays or special days from your shared history. Although those are utterly important too, of course. But it’s also about what the other one likes or doesn’t likes. About what she/he thinks about certain things. Remembering all those details is like reinforcing your commitments: “I know and I accept what you want”.

20. Pay Yourself First

Might seem totally counter intuitive and awfully against this post topic. But it’s not. A mindless altruism is the shortest path to decay. Don’t give away your time, your actions or yourself foolishly. Instead, be well so you can help others be well too. Be balanced so you can bring balance to others too. Be self sustained so you can help others achieve self-sustainability too.

21. Be Patient

In everything. Real things are not unfolding instantly, they need time to grow, to manifest. Be patient with the other one if she/he is going through some tough times. It will help getting over the heat. Be patient with the other one if she/he is on the peak of its career. It will make the happy days taste even better.

22. Give Feedback

All the time, in all the imaginable situations. Say out loud you liked or didn’t liked something, but give feedback. As the name implies, feedback will feed something. In this case, the actual relationship. If you don’t care about a relationship, the easiest way to break it is to stop giving feedback. It will die in a few weeks.

23. Ignore The Unimportant

Too much time and attention are wasted on useless, not important things. Either by uncontrollable addiction, either by lack of personal values. Ignore what’s unimportant about the other one until you get to her/his real, indivisible core. That’s where you should put the attention. Learning to ignore should be taught in schools.

24. Surprise Him/Her

Break the flow of the predictable events in her/his life with small surprises. Might be just an unexpected end of the evening or a sudden trip to the countryside. Surprises are a way to fracture the other one familiar reality and fill the crack with pleasant, enjoyable life slices. The bigger the surprise, the more enjoyable the life slice…

25. Think Nicely About Her/Him

You do what you repeatedly tell to yourself to do. Your actions are a direct consequences of your thoughts. If you keep having supportive thoughts about the other one, your actions will eventually follow. The root of everything you do or experience is in your thoughts. Don’t let them wander at lost.

26. Make Plans Together

Making plans will always make God laugh, that’s true. But that doesn’t mean you should stop doing them. On the contrary, you should keep God laughing for as much as you can, wouldn’t you? Projecting a new reality together is an incredibly powerful form of caring. You may never be there, in that new reality, but at least your tried together.

27. Talk

Ask questions. Respond to questions. Say yes or no. But do talk. Keep the communication channels opened. Don’t think the other one should guess what you want, what you need or what you may want to happen in your life. Give clear answers, and ask clear questions. An uncomfortable truth shows more caring than a comfortable but deceiving silence.

28. Smile

As often as you can. There are persons who are somehow killing your smile before it’s even born. With pessimism, anger or just constant irony and arrogance. Smile in their presence even more, regardless of the fact that it will take incredibly more effort from you. Smiling is the cheapest and most effective act of caring.

29. Write A Letter

Doesn’t necessarily have to be a full letter. Leave a note on the fridge. Send a short email out of the blue. Even the message doesn’t have to be something deep, or serious or fundamental. Just a simple “wish you a good day” or “I’m thinking at you” will do miracles. Start now.

30. Cook For Her/Him

Sharing food used to be an ecstatic and spiritual experience. Traces of this my be found in our modern society, when inviting somebody over to dinner has most of the time hidden meanings. Again, doesn’t have to be an exotic meal, but the mere fact of feeding the other one will trigger some deeply buried feelings of security and comfort.

31. Give A Present Out Of The Blue

Giving presents is a great way to mark special occasions, but giving presents out of the blue will make any occasion a special one. The only thing you should pay attention to is not to buy your way to the other one’s heart, because it wouldn’t last long. But a genuine, carefully taught present, will always leave a positive mark.

32. Criticize. Constructively

If you don’t agree with something, speak up. Maybe the other one doesn’t realize that her/his path is a wrong one. If you sense something bad, it’s not only an act of kindness to point (politely and gently) to the other one’s mistakes, but also a respected act of responsibility. An honest and good critique always ends up with a “thank you”.

33. Eliminate Expectations

People are people.Don’t act like they follow a certain algorithm. They will never do. People are doing strange things. They will surprise you, amaze you or disappoint you. Eliminate all expectations and just be happy because you share this moment, this place or this life. Life is not fair sometimes, that’s true. But it’s always beautiful.

3 Life Lessons

Today I will follow an honoring invitation from fellow blogger Abubakar Jamil, on a topic very close to me: life lessons. Since life is already too short for all the things we’d like to do, I will skip any introduction.

1. You Gotta Live It To Settle It

The Story

When I was 18 I had to serve as a soldier for my country. 2 months after I started my service, a series of events, known today as the Romanian Revolution, took place. Without any previous warning, I found myself in the middle of a civil war. As a soldier, I had to protect my leader, the communist dictator Ceausescu. But as a free man, I wanted to follow the current, and support the groups who started to broke down one of the most stupid and perverted communist regimes in the Eastern Europe.

When the first signs of riots came to our military unit, I had to do my first shift as a guard. The schedule for guards was made weeks before. At that time, I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me: why should I have to find myself in the middle of the field, with only 5 bullets (the maximum under the communist regime) trying to protect myself from the military intelligence who wanted to force us to fight and from the insurgents, who were thinking I was their enemy. It was one of the most intense, powerful, and, I admit it, one of the most frightening situations I ever experienced. Now, I think this was one of the luckiest moments of my life.

I didn’t sleep for 5 nights and 6 days. After this time, I was reborn. In just 5 nights and 6 days, the communist regime was down and almost the entire riot was finished. What initially looked like a long and wearing civil war ended in less than a week. Some of my army colleagues decided to withdraw from their duty, calling in sick and stacking up at the infirmary beds. I didn’t. I chose to stay there and face my fate. I stayed there, in the trenches and looked my own fears in the eyes. In the 6th morning, when one of my colleagues came in running, telling me that Ceausescu was captured, I felt reborn. And I really was reborn.

The Lesson

Avoidance is not a solution. Withdrawal is not a solution. Whenever life puts a violent crisis in front of you, live it. Be there, do your thing. Not only you will emerge stronger and wiser than before, but, most of the time, you’ll realize the crisis was much easier than you expected it. It wasn’t really such a big deal. As long as you dealt with it.

Read more about my experience as a Romanian soldier during the Romanian Revolution.

2. Understand Your Own Message

The Story

A few months ago,, my 4 year old daughter, Bianca, made a habit out of asking for my iPhone every morning. And every morning I gave it to her, hoping she will play some of the games we picked together. Every morning, after keeping my iPhone for a few minutes, she handed it back and went to spend her day as usual. After a few weeks, when I started my Notes app, I discovered some gibberish in it, apparently written the same morning.

I wasn’t the author of that sequence of letters, that’s for sure. It was something like “iauhdkajh skljah laskjhf”. I assumed that my iPhone was accidentally started in my pocket and moved over. But there was another note, with the date of the previous day. The same random letters and some numbers. And so was the day before, and the day before. Then it hit me: it was Bianca’s writing. This is what she was doing every morning with my iPhone.

When I asked her what she was writing, she answered in a second: “well, it was a few days ago, when we went to see a movie”. And this note, what was this for? “Well, when we went together in the park, don’t you remember?”. As we talked more about those notes I realized that Bianca was writing her own journal there. Her own book of life. Only it was in a very strange language for me. Without her help, I couldn’t understand it.

The Lesson

Don’t make assumptions. Be clear. Your book of life may sound ok for you, but other people may not get it. You gotta be sure everybody understands your message. Every time you experience some misunderstandings in your life, check your message first. Your message may be just a row of gibberish to the other person. Do your best to translate your message accordingly.

Read more about Bianca’s book of life.

3. You Don’t Really Have Enemies

The Story

Almost a year ago I started a blogging workshop. I announced it on my blog and through my professional and personal network. To my surprise, a lot of people expressed their interest in it. Although it was priced as a premium product, with 3 full days of teaching, practical lessons and live blogging, I had the spots filled in not only for the first (and the only one, in my mind) session, but for a second one too. To any of my personal standards, this project was a big success.

At the same time, the most visited blogger in Romania wrote a very negative review about this project. In fact, he wrote an entire negative blog post about my person. Apparently, I wasn’t able to open a computer, had no expertise whatsoever in blogging and the whole workshop was way to pricey. In other words, a scam. It wasn’t the first time when that blogger had an aggressive attitude towards me, he had very negative blog posts about me back when I had a network of niche websites in Romania.

I answered to that blog post with a comment detailing my position. For a few hours I was concerned about the whole story. Until I realized something I should have seen from the first second. I didn’t need any validation. The whole blog post proved something much more important (and subtle, for what matters): my actions created a real impact. A very big one, to be honest. Although that blogger positioned himself as an opponent, he really wasn’t one. He just showed me that he was afraid of what I did. He felt his position was threatened. (Of course, it wasn’t about himself and his line of business, because my workshop had a completely different approach to blogging, but that was not important anymore).

The Lesson

You have only friends. Some of them may teach you something in a very harsh way but they are still your friends. When somebody attacks you, don’t fall for your first reaction: defending yourself, excusing or even accusing the other part. This may mean you’re powerful beyond what you perceive and you must have scared the other person. Either way, the whole concept of enemy disappears in this approach.

***

Do you  have any other lessons to share? If yes, I’d be happy to learn yours either in the comments or in your own blog posts. There’s a whole lot of bloggers covering their life experiences in this series.

50 Ways To Start Fresh

Defeat. Boredom. Lack of meaning in your life. All these symptoms, and many others, of course, are a sign that you need to start fresh. To run again. To leave the old behind and embrace the new. Te ignite a new spark that will light a new life, with a deeper meaning, broader experience and much more fulfillment that you had so far. A rebirth.

I started fresh for many times in my life, and, hopefully, I’ll start fresh again. Because, like it or not, change is the only permanent thing in this Universe. Here are 50 proven (and I’m not kidding you) ways to start fresh.

1. Accept Change

Sometimes starting over means accepting that you’re no longer the person you used to be. You’re no longer attracted by the same things or persons, you’re no longer driven by the same goals. It’s ok. Don’t blame yourself for it and don’t try to resist. Start over. As hard as it may seem in the beginning. You’ll be surprised how fast things will fall into places again.

2 Just Leave

Quit the boring job, the abusive relationship, the past. Embrace the unknown. Make the first step. Every trip starts with just one step. You’re resisting to this impulse because leaving is associated with letting someone else down. Well, you won’t let nobody down if you’ll step out of an abusive relationship. But if you won’t leave, you will let down somebody very important: you..

3. Accept To Meet Someone New

Too often we’re unconsciously rejecting other people by habit. Well, make a fracture in that habit. Don’t put a label on every person you meet, assuming you know beforehand who they are, what they do and how they can interact with you. Open up, let yourself flow and look for the signs. Many times my life was truly changed when I just accepted to meet someone new.

4. Accept Defeat

And move on. Yes it hurts. Yes, you lost something, or somebody. Yes, your hopes are broken down and maybe so is the heart. Accept it. Close the battle and move on. There is this very simple thing which many people are just blindly ignoring: you can’t have a new victory until you close your current battle (by accepting defeat, if that’s what just happened).

5. Talk to somebody

It doesn’t have to be a friend. Anybody willing to listen will do it. Just take it out of our chest. Transform your experiences in words and let them out, transfer your story to somebody else. Not only you’ll feel a little better, but you may also find a new idea, a surprising solution or just the courage you lack to start fresh. Let the others be the triggers of your change.

6. Do Something Reasonably Risky

Bungee jumping, for instance, if you’re the physical type. Or, if you’re the shy guy, do a public speech in front of one thousand people. The more consuming the challenge you’re embracing, the faster you’ll get out of your comfort zone. And by getting out that comfort zone, you literally stretch your limits up to the point you’re forced to break up with the past.

7. Go To A Live Event

A concert or other stuff involving hundreds or thousands of people. Be in a crowd. In something way bigger than yourself. Blend in and lose your sense of identity (which is false anyway, we’re all part of something bigger). Confronting your own tiny ego with this  huge surrounding energy will make any decision you embrace much easier. Especially a new start.

8. Write A Story About Your Past

Don’t make it a novel and don’t aim at publishing it. Just write down in your own words what happened to you. Describe the sequence of steps which drove your life to its current position. Be verbose. Don’t rush. And little by little you’re going to realize that once you put it in words, your past will become more manageable and you’ll be able to break up easier.

9. Make A Plan

And stick to it.

10. Enjoy The Victory And Move On

You don’t have to start fresh only after a big defeat. Victory is just the other face of the same coin. Don’t get too addicted to it, or you’ll end up in a continuous frustration loop. Attaching yourself to an already consumed victory is as bad as not accepting defeat. Just because your prison cell is pink, that doesn’t make it less of a prison cell. Yes, you won this one. Next.

11. Make Peace With The Past

Accept ALL your past defeats and victories. Accept all your past mistakes or brilliant decisions. Accept that the moment you stepped out of a second, there’s no way to live it again, because it’s gone. The past doesn’t really exist, it’s a human invention, just like the future . Look around and accept that the only option you have is to live now. Or not at all.

12. Write Down The Worst Case Scenario

Ok, you wanna change, but you’re note yet sure. Than write down the worst case scenario. What could go wrong? Pick the worst possible case. Write it down and be very careful at the details. It will not only make you more aware about what you really are up to, but it will also reveal that it’s much more easier than you feel. Hoping for the best and preparing for worse.

13. Clean Up Your Closet

Throw away clothes, things, devices, memories. They drag you down. Clean up your room, wipe the dust, get rid of the clutter. The more you do that, the more you’ll realize that things are not you. The more you let go, the more lighter you’ll feel. And that will make you move easier and faster. Change will look like a natural path, not an effort.

14. Limit The Stuff You Own

Get rid of your possessions.  Do it until your life will finally become a matter of enjoying your time here and not managing your stuff. I’m sure everybody was there: you badly need something, you get it and enjoy it, but after a certain time (and a certain number of things you own) you spend more time managing your inventory than living your life.

15. Format Your Hard-disk

If your brain could be assimilated to a computer hard-disk, do a raw format. “Accidentally” lose some data. Re-arrange drastically all your information and intently destroy some of your hard-disk sectors. After you’ll finish moaning the “disaster”, you will will have no other chance than to push yourself forward, in order to be functional again.

16. Update Your Life Device Drivers

Redesign your social circle, your friends, your goals. Continuing the metaphor above, if your brain is a computer hard-disk, than your interactions will be assimilated to the drivers. Re-write them. Re-engineer your social life at a much deeper level. Ignore the old devices, update and upgrade. The old you is obsolete and your old life is deprecated.

17. Break Up A Habit

Sometimes all you need in order to ignite a bigger change is just shifting some small, unconscious behaviors. Like a habit, you know. Before engaging in a bigger change, start by breaking up a small habit. Tiny moves (or baby steps, if you prefer) are easier to do and to monitor. Just stack small victory over small victory. You’ll soon be there.

18. Create a new habit

But, as hard as it may be to understand and accept, we are living huge parts of our life on auto-pilot. By habit. So, breaking up a habit will only take you half way. From there, you gotta try to build a new habit. The good thing is that you’re consciously choosing a new habit now. There is not any bad thing about starting a new habit, by the way.

19. Find Out What Went Wrong

And write it down somewhere visible. Keep it in front of your eyes. Day in and day out. If you really did something wrong, than make it painfully obvious. If somebody else did something wrong to you, remember it. In both cases, tell to yourself: “I won’t do this anymore”. This aggressive visualization will push you to something new. And maybe better.

20. Commit To Someone New

A new friend, a new personal relationship or a new business partner. The keyword here is “commit”, not “new”. Be there for somebody else, hook up to something or somebody. Too often we’re hit by life when we try to unglue, to subtract ourselves, to give up, to avoid.  Exercising commitment to somebody new will help you avoid this situation.

21. Reconnect With An Old Friend

Find somebody you didn’t speak to in the last 10 years. Re-connect. Start understanding his or her life, see how your paths took different ways. Your life will certainly look different after this reconnection. By shifting your perspective, you’ll start to understand which parts of you are the same, and which ones are changed. Like in a spiral path.

22. Move Somewhere Else

Live in another place. Your physical environment has a memory of itself, interlinked with yours. Changing your current surroundings will make those dragging memories fade away. Moving in a different city, or even a different country will push you to completely redesign your life. It may be stressful and painful in the beginning. But it will change.

23. Flip A Coin

The old ones had a name for it: asking the gods. If a coin won’t do the job for you, feel free to use whatever divination method you’re comfortable with: dice, yi-king, astrology, whatever. Just keep in mind there will be a significant amount of hazard in this. And sometimes hazard is exactly what you need in order to destroy a poisonous structure.

24. Restart Your Morning Routine

Mornings are certainly underrated. They have a huge influence on our lives. A small insertion in your morning routine could have incredibly deep effects. In fact, the way you’re starting your morning will completely shape the way you’re spending the whole day. A butterfly wing in Venezuela can generate a storm in Australia, they say.

25. Create And Keep Close A Minimum Survival Kit

It’s not about clothes or food, this minimum survival kit. It’s more about a certain attitude and life skills. Be prepared, keep hope and avoid excessive baggage. Stay thin. If you’re on the adventurous edge, you can also stay fool and hungry, that will certainly bring some excitement in your life. But don’t forget that survival kit, it’s incredibly useful.

26. Change Your Game

We’re all playing games. Even if we think we don’t, we do. We play the game of the career, the game of the family, the game of being rich or poor. By transforming every part of your life into a social game, you will empower yourself. It’s much easier to start a game than to repair a serious situation. It’s just a game, what could go wrong in a game?

27. Do The Magic Fairy Exercise

Every time you’re stuck, go meet your fairy tale. I know, we’re not all having our personal fairy tale, floating around ready to fulfill our deepest, craziest desires. And yet, you can do something else: you can pretend that fairy exists and that she can really fulfill you any desire. Just be very careful about what you’re asking. Because you’re going to get it, eventually.

28. De-virus Your Mind

If you’re going to start fresh, one of the things that would really help is to realize your mind is not perfect. In other words, don’t believe everything you think. Your mind may be the victim of many social viruses, and you’re certainly not aware of many of them. Just take some distance from your own thoughts every once in a while. De-virus your mind.

29. Laugh More Often

It may be that you’re fighting to get back your life, to find your purpose or to attain your goal. Be there, be a warrior, but don’t forget to laugh. Even in the most difficult part of your lives you can find reasons to laugh. Too much commitment, too much strain, too much seriousness will have in the end the opposite effect. They’ll drag you down.

30. Start Teaching Others

You do have a talent. You do have some special skills. That talent, it doesn’t really have to be spectacular, you know, but it’s really something that defines you. Use it, don’t loose it. Sometimes the only way to learn something new is to teach others. By sharing your knowledge, time and experience, you’ll in fact ignite new ways to live your life.

31. Write A Book

Any book. Unblock your thoughts, if you’re the organized type and just got stuck, or get the courage to imagine new worlds, if fantasy is your type. Chose a topic you know or like and stick with it. A book is wonderful milestone. Even if it won’t change your entire life immediately, something important will shift inside. Creativity is a magical thing.

32. Practice Your “Yes”

Change is never about negativity. You cannot change as long as you are in denial, right? This is what denial means, by the way: resistance to new. Any genuine change will be fueled by your capacity to say “Yes”. The good news is that this ability can be strengthened the same way you strengthen your muscles at the gym. Practice your “Yes”.

33. Practice Your “No” Too

It goes hand in hand with the one above. Learn how to say “No”. To an abusive relationship, to a boring job, to a limiting context. The more you practice, the better you’ll get at. Don’t take everything for granted. You have the power to say “No” to certain things in your life. You have the power to say “No” to the past, and “Yes” to the present.

34. Quit Being A Quitter

Quitting something (your job, your family, your friends) doesn’t mean you start fresh, it means you’re not finishing your stuff. Quit doing this, take responsibility and do your part of the job. If you committed to something, finish it. It may be difficult, but until you consume everything you set up for a meal, you won’t be able to fill your plate again.

35. Keep (And Read) A Log Of Your Breakthroughs

Sort of a personal history of things your consider important in your life. It may be the fact that you had the courage to speak to somebody, or the fact that you climbed the Everest. If you think it will help, you can share them, but that’s not compulsory. What is compulsory is to read them from time to time. It will pump you up beyond your expectation.

36. Learn How To Be Ridiculous

Too often we’re rejecting change and avoid starting fresh by fear of rejection. What if I’m going to be laughed at? What if people will reject me because I will be clumsy or shy in the beginning? Well, they may reject you. You will be ridiculous if you start something completely fresh. And that’s the good news. Learn how to be ridiculous. It’s an art.

37. Take An Interview With Yourself

Yes, you’re a star and yes you deserve exposure. You can light this world with awesomeness. Take an interview with yourself. It doesn’t necessarily need to have exactly these questions, but you can start with them. Just be honest. Put it aside for a week or two and then come back and read it. You really want to be that person?

38. Practice Hazard

Learn how to get from A to B in 5 easy steps. Leave your mind free and see where it goes. That’s a great exercise not only for enhancing your creativity, but also for strengthening your change muscles. While it will not directly build up your courage to take action, you’ll learn how to spot opportunities and broaden your vision.

39. Keep Your Brain Fit

The most important tool you have is your brain. You have this amazing engineering machinery with you all the time and yet, you chose to use only a tiny percent of its capacity. You wouldn’t be able to climb a mountain without a fit body, right? Then be sure you wouldn’t go through a complex and difficult change without a fit and agile brain.

40. Clean Up Your Lenses

The road to change may be right in front of you, but you may not see it. Why? Because your life lenses got blurred. It’s like a camera which doesn’t know how and where to focus. Move it back and forth a few times and see what picture it shows. That’s equivalent with shaking a bit things around. In the end your lenses will be cleaner.

41 Act. Don’t React

If you’re reacting to what’s happening , you’ll never start fresh. Change by reaction is rooted in fear and is nothing more than a form of escapism. Even more, you’ll end up continuously being chased by what you’re running from. Make your own judgment and don’t react to pressures like lack of money and social rejection. That too shall pass.

42. Stop Solving The Wrong Problem

Focus on what matters. What they say about you is not that important. What you really do with your life, that’s important. We do have a tendency to get lost in the details and start solving the wrong problems. Cut it short. Those tiny little things you want to “solve” around will soon grow to the size of the swamp. Don’t allow that to happen. Stay sharp.

43. Forget “I Can”, Embrace “I Do”

You’re largely what you’re saying to yourself. You actually do what you continuously tell to your brain to do. Insert yourself in this process and change all the “I Can”’s with “I Do”’s. “I Can” may be empowering but “I Do” is truly life changing. You can’t start fresh without taking action. Change this monologue. You’ll be amazed by the results.

44. Pay Yourself First

So you can pay others too. Altruism doesn’t worth a nickel if you can’t make ends meet. Giving and giving and giving away, without taking care of yourself, will eventually drain you out. Turn your face to yourself and find out what you really need. Start getting it. Forget the blame and shame. That change alone could spark a new beginning for you.

45. Shift Your Focus

One thing we often ignore, is that our reality is generated by our focus. Whatever we’re focusing on, grows. So, a new beginning could be in fact just the result of a focus shift. Place your attention on other things. It may be difficult in the beginning, so start training.

46. Take A Long Distance Trip

Traveling long distance is an art. Whenever I did a very long trip something changed inside. A new perspective, some unexpected ideas, something fresh and surprising emerged from that trip. Whenever you feel prisoner of a lifestyle you don’t want anymore, do your best to travel far and away. You’ll be back, most of the time, a different person.

47. Stop Trying To Be Perfect

Perfection is a big mind trap. It’s nothing more than a state of suspension in which you’re not really alive. Perfection means you reached the end of the journey. And the understanding of this end, for us, as human beings, is being dead.  Just try to be better instead. Being better will always give you room for change. Chasing perfection will not.

48. Eliminate Self Sabotage

What if I’m going to tell you that the biggest enemy of yourself is… you? What if I’ll tell you that you’re afraid of success? What if I’ll tell you that you don’t live up to your dreams by fear of failure? All of these mindsets are forms of self-sabotage. And they are more dangerous than you think. Thinking that change is impossible is a form of self-sabotage.

49. Get Rid Of Your Guardians

They’re living inside of you, as images of authority. Or they live with you, in imbalanced relationships, based on power games. Whatever the place, those guardians have only one mission: to keep you in a perpetual state of submission. To prevent you from growing, by selling you the illusion of safety. You’re much better off. As scary as it may be.

50. Recycle Aggression

You need it. You have it in yourself because deep down, when you were just a sparkle in the dark, you had a deep need to survive. And you survived. Aggressiveness is not toxic, the way you use it may be. Re-channel that huge force, that immense energy flow you get from aggression and put it to good work. Don’t bottle it deep down, let it out.

Have more? Share them in the comments.

How To Live A Scriptless Life

I bet you clicked on the link for this blog post only to find out what “scriptless” means, right? Scriptless? I think you know “merciless”, “brainless” or even “topless”, but “scriptless”?, what’s the thing with this word, after all? Well, I like to think I invented it (didn’t find it in a dictionary anyway). And it literally means: “without a script” (yeah, right).

Beyond this rather light introduction there’s a far more serious theme for this article, and, at least for me, a far more important challenge: how to avoid playing roles in our lives? Yeah, this is serious stuff.

Unconsciously playing games is happening more often than we know. For the vast majority of our time, we’re acting on auto-pilot. Some of these behaviors are useful (like answering to a “hello” instinctively: it makes your social life easier). But some of them, and I dare say most of them, are poisonous. We’re repeating stuff we engrained in our behavior when we were kids. We didn’t have the tools and experience to analyze those behaviors, we took them for granted. We became a Victim, a Rescuer, or a Persecutor. There are many other scripts, but some of the most common are those three, and they form the foundation for the social games people play.

So, how to live a life without playing those roles? How to avoid being caught in the trap of automatic thinking and reacting? How to break free from your early conditioning? I would very much lie if I would tell you right now that you’ll find the answer to those questions by reading this blog post. I know that for sure. I know that by claiming that, I will in fact play the role of the Teacher. You know the type: the one that claims to know everything and put himself on the pedestal of the verified science. And I’m not that. It will be only a script.

But I know that after reading this article you will start to ask some questions. Many of them won’t have answers. And, even worse, many of them will have answers, and you won’t like them at all. Let’s start.

My Main Script

One of my main scripts is “be good and good stuff will come to you”. This script was created during my “domestication”, or childhood, a period in which I was exposed to the reward / punishment binomial. If you behave the way we tell you to (you are good) we will reward you. If you don’t (you are not good) we will punish you. This script is so powerful and so deep in my being that I’m totally frightened only by thinking at it.

How many times was I “good” although my guts told me not to play the expected role? Thousands of times. And what happened? Was I rewarded? Here comes the confusing part: nope. I wasn’t always rewarded. Sometimes I was, sometimes I wasn’t. Which totally confused me. The initial script stated that if I do a certain sequence a steps, a certain result will emerge. Well, it didn’t. Why?

Because life is not predictable. Life is all about change. About new stuff. Trying to coerce life into a set of fixed rules will not work. Every time you’ll be exposed to a new set of events, into a different context. Every time will be different. So, shrinking life into the pattern of “be good and good stuff will come to you” simply won’t work. It requires a great deal of effort, patience and persistence to coerce life into something  predictable. And if this huge effort will eventually work, if it will really create a sustainable Universe around you, that Universe will be incredibly small and… yes, predictable. Which is another word for boring.

The Business Man Script

Back to my script now: how did it worked? Well, let’s take the business side of my life. By now many of my readers know that I had an online business for the last 10 years, that I successfully sold two years ago, and that experience was the inspiration for one of my most read ebooks so far “30 Sentences For A Millionaire Mindset”. Yeah, exactly. I was a succesful business man. And that ebook will really give you 30 sentences to create a millionaire mindset.

But let’s go a step beyond the “business man” label. Did I really wanted to be a business man? What was my motivation for those 10 years? What was my drive? Unfortunately, it wasn’t a genuine desire to create value. I wish it did, but it wasn’t. It was a script. The script of “make a lot of money and people will accept you and value you as a person”. As you can see this is a variation of the script “be good and good things will come to you”. I use to call this variation of the script “the biggest bullshit ever”. Notice the word “bullshit” in my article? Good. Because I will write it again: “bullshit”. A big, smelling bullshit.

That script took a few years out of my life. Each and every day I woke up with the firm conviction that if I would be a successful business man, if I would  make a lot of money and build an image of success, good things will happen. Never really knew why this would happen, actually, it was just a thing I knew. Didn’t have to know: it was all in the script. So, I learned the rules, implemented them and become successful. Was I successful in terms of my script? Absolutely. Was I happy? Nope.

There were moments in my career as business man that I really enjoyed, There were other moments in which I would rather be in some exotic place, but I didn’t. I stayed there at the office because I had to play the script. Looking back in time, the enjoyable moments were very few. And they lasted only a few days. The rest of the time, meaning 10 years, I was on auto-pilot. I was putting to work some skills, but without putting my soul, my self or my life into it. A robotish approach. An actor playing a script.

By now you may start to understand what’s the problem with those scripts and why they are making us unhappy. A script will take away your freedom. Your joy. Your enthusiasm. A script will drastically limit your choices, your experiences, your challenges. A script will make you dead alive.

The Intricacies Of Playing By The Script

Now, let’s go back to the main script “be good and good things will come to you”. Many religions are promoting this. Many social norms are also enforcing this behavior. All your education is filled with processes that will validate this script over and over. Be good, answer with kindness no matter what and you will be rewarded. Possibly in heaven.

But what happens when, at some point, your life is at stake? What happens, for instance, when somebody is really getting on you, affecting your physical integrity, or your status, or your values? You have only two choices: one, to play by the script (in this case the “be good” script) the other to reject the script and do something different.

That’s a very interesting point in playing by the script, by the way. I call this the “engagement” point. We do have a reaction time, although we’re not really using it. Even at a physical level, from the moment a certain stimulus gets to your brain, to the point you give an answer to that stimulus, there’s a small interval, under a second, in which things are pondered by the brain. During that time the brain searches for the best reaction to that stimulus. If the brain was trained to give a pre-established answer, it will most likely give it, of course, but fact is there is some reaction time. And that’s a good news.

At this point of our example, the “engagement” point, something interesting happens. If you chose to respond by the script and give back some “goodness” reaction, you may get hurt. Your physical integrity will be affected or your values will be undermined, whatever: something bad will happen. But the script will tell you that this is ok. You will be rewarded if you responded with kindness. The script doesn’t tell when exactly, but you would expect to be pretty soon.

In my experience, this isn’t happening. Nor soon, nor late, it isn’t happening at all. You’ve just been abused and your continuous hope for a change won’t change anything. And you know why? Because your reaction wasn’t a genuine one. It was a standardized, categorized, unconscious reaction to a certain stimulus. Believe it or not, like it or not, you’re acting the same way Pavlov’s dog is acting. You’re not assessing, you’re not taking the time to evaluate the current context.

If you would take the time to evaluate your context, you will discover something interesting: the script-based reaction is not the best one in that specific context. Maybe it was, in a different context, sometimes in the past, and your memory is giving you some hints about that, but in the current, specific context, responding with kindness will be just wrong. It’s like doing nothing when your house is on fire, or when a car is approaching you full speed, or when you fall down the stairs without trying to stop the fall.

A script based reaction is rooted in some pre-defined rules and we expect those rules to function everywhere. Well, it they don’t. Maybe that initial reaction may have been correct at some point (you were good, so you weren’t punished) but that doesn’t automatically mean it will be correct in all contexts. That’s the biggest trap of the scripts. We love to think that we created a certain pattern that will protect us in the future. That we “learned” something. Well, maybe we did. But what happens right here, right now is unique. It needs your full focus and attention to assess it and act accordingly. It may appear that the script based reaction was the best one, or it may appear that a new reaction, which will actually break the script, will prove beneficial.

A very big obstacle in living a scriptless life is that we think that trying something new will put as at risk. We tend to live with the comfort sensation of the script, which will tell us: “do this, and you’ll be fine” but in fact we have no way to know it. Each second of your life is different. Each moment is unique. And each context requires your full attention and presence to understand it and make the best of it. And if you do that, you’ll soon realize that this is the normal approach. The script based approach is the one that will put you at risk.

The Relationship Script

Now think about being in an abusive relationship. By the way, an abusive relationship is not only about violence. A partner may abuse the other one in various ways, from lack of acceptance up to lying or cheating. I’ve been in quite a few abusive relationships (I told you, my “be good and good things will happen to you” script was pretty powerful) so I know it can get pretty bad without violence.

So, when you’re in this abusive relationship, you have a choice: accept it (be good) or don’t accept it (break the script). When you accept the abuse, you reinforce the script, but you also reinforce the behavior of the other person. They don’t know you’re playing a script. They don’t know you acknowledged the abuse, but still, you decided to “forgive and forget”, they think you’re enjoying it. They think you gave them permission. And the abuse continues on and on, based on your own permission.

Now, what happens if you don’t accept the abuse? First thing: you will break the script. And that will have some immediate consequences. Your internal voices will start telling you: “nothing good will come out of this, because you didn’t respond with kindness”. And, depending on how powerful your script is, those internal voices can be pretty strong. It will be hard to ignore them. But at the same time, something magical will start to happen. Only outside, this time: the abuser will get an unexpected signal. Oh, so you don’t like it, after all? Ups.

From now on, the situation can evolve in several ways. The abuser may think “you’re just joking”, “or you’re playing hard to get”, and continues his abuse. In this case, sticking with your initial approach will make things clear sooner or later. Or, the abuser may realize that you simply don’t like to stay in that relationship and leave you alone (that happens very seldom, I know).

Fact is that even if your internal script was broken, the outside reality was modified in your favor. You sent out a different message, based on your genuine reaction, and that message completely changed the context, right now right here, not at some point in the past. The current context may be better or worse, but what really matter is that you actually get a grip on it, you modified it and now you know you may change it again if you want.

How To Live A Scriptless Life

Like I told you, you won’t find the answer to this in my blog post. But I can share with you my experiences in trying to overcome this limitation. And one thing that proved really helpful to me was a framework called “Assess, Decide, Do”. By framework I understand a set of simple rules which you consciously follow instead of automatically giving up control to a script. I created this framework a year ago and it surely helped me a lot since then. I can’t say I’m not following any scripts now, but at least I can spot them much easier than before. Now I know if I’m in a script or not.

So, what’s this framework about? Well, it states that we’re having only three main realms in which we are acting: the Assess realm, the Decide realm and the Do realm. Our life imbalances are in fact imbalances of one of those realms. Living a scrip-based life would be an imbalance of the Assess realm: you’re acting without thinking (assessing).

Assess – Decide – Do In A Nutshell

Assessment is the state in which you analyze, compare, learn and store your experiences.

Decision is the state in which you project your next reality. You’re coming to this stage after finishing an assessment session completely.

Doing is the state in which you’re using focus to create your next reality. You’re doing only after you have a clear decision to follow.

Each of these states are maintained by your focus and you’re shifting from one state to another by being in flow.

Flow is not a measurable concept although we can refer to it as bigger, lower or we can define some quality of it. Flow is usually perceived as your capacity of enjoying and alignment with your current context. Most of what we call joy, happiness or exhilaration is in one way or another a variation of a great flow we’re experiencing.

If focus will be the main tool for creating your reality we may refer to the flow as the master glue for keeping the pieces together. A healthy flow will allow you to go from a complete assessment to an atomic decision and that will lead to a totally immersed activity of doing.

That’s a very short description of the framework. If you want to know more, just click on the links above, they will take you to more detailed articles on this topic.

Now, how this framework will apply to a scriptless life? Well, is much more simple than you think: just be aware of what happens to you (Assess), make a decision based on this assessment (Decide) and act upon it (Do). Then restart the process.

Any script can be killed if you’re continuously assess your current situation. There may be times when you will shift from one script to another, based on how deep your scripts are engrained in your behavior. You may realize that you have scripts in scripts, which in turn are part of other, bigger scripts… But as long as you try to keep each of the three states pure, you will eventually find a way to control the scripts. Maybe you won’t be able to overcome the script response completely, but at least you’ll be able to exert some sort of control over it.

It Will Work For Me?

I don’t know. It worked for me. And it still works pretty well. But one thing I know for sure: it won’t work 100%. It won’t free me completely. Being completely independent from scripts is a state of bliss. I guess this is what Buddhism meant by “samadhi”. And this is what Jesus meant by “reborn”. But I don’t think it will be possible in this current context. Or if it is, it will invalidate the context all together.

Ok, let me explain: meeting really free people around us will never work. We won’t find any. Why? Because we’re searching them using this world tools. And they are free in another world. They become free of this world.

We’re applying the script valuation instead of a scriptless valuation to their status. Maybe they are poor and they don’t have a house or own a car, those free people. Our script valuation will tell us they aren’t free, they have to do some work to get a house and a car. Maybe they aren’t famous. They’re just some anonymous faces passing by, enjoying life so thoroughly that it will make them shine from the inside. But nobody knows that they’re enjoying life so much. How could that be? Our scripts are telling us that a free man should be successful, visible, famous.

You see now? Although we may physically live in the same Universe, in reality we’re galaxies away from each other.

So, my travel to become a scriptless individual is going really well, but I may still be around for a while. And maybe, just maybe, the moment I’ll start to look strange to you, the moment I won’t fit in any of your definitions of success, the moment I will start doing or writing about things which aren’t common sense, maybe at that point I will start to enjoy my scriptless life.

How about you?

The Secret from My 3rd Grade

When I was a kid I was very relaxed. And I mean in school. I never worried too much about it, yet I managed to get the highest grades in my class. Even my teachers were aware about my apparent passivity and they “blamed” my success on my natural skills: a fantastic memory, they said. I was a good kid in school because I was blessed with a fantastic memory. And not because I was diligently studying. That was my secret, or so they said…

The more I think about this, the more confused I am. I did have a good memory as a kid, but not something way above the average. In fact, I think every kid has a far better memory than an adult. I didn’t read much about this so I’m not backing up my assumption with some scientific research, but I think our memory, as a cognitive function of the brain, is more developed in the early years, when we have to absorb a lot of new information and somehow decreases in performance as we grow, to make room for other brain functions like flexibility or information processing.

The Secret

Whatever. The truth is I wasn’t a good kid in school because of my memory. I was a good kid in school because I didn’t care much about it. How come?

Well, I almost never did my home assignments at home. I used to do them at school, just before the class. There was a 10 minutes break between classes and I almost always used this short break to write my homework. Sometimes I didn’t even know I had a homework, so I had to react pretty fast. In 90% of the cases I had better assignments than my colleagues. The rest of 10% I didn’t had any assignment at all because there were situations when 10 minutes weren’t physically enough to do it. But the vast majority of time, 10 minutes was just about enough to get by.

I didn’t improvise at all, while I was quickly writing my assignments. I was pretty sure about what I was doing. In fact, the mere fact of having to do something in a pressuring context seemed to made me act faster and more focused than usual. Every time I knew I have to face a challenge, being it the challenge of finishing my home assignments during the break, my mind was like crystal clear. I really enjoyed during my homework.

Somehow related to this feeling I also remember the feeling of excitement each morning I was going to school. What challenges was I up for that day? What unexpected things were waiting for me? What small victories was I ready to conquer? What tiny but relevant roadblock would I overcome? Would it be a new assignment? Some new math problem that I have to solve? Some essay that I have to concoct in less than 10 minutes?

I confess I loved school. But I loved it not because I was successful at it, I loved it because it gave me a playground for my risk taking abilities. Am I going to finish my homework during the break? Am I going to learn something new? Am I going to get caught?

Even when I was getting caught without my home assignment (those 10% were emerging quite often, so to speak) I had to come up with something. I had to deal with the situation. Either by inventing an excuse, either by facing the consequences upfront. Ok, I will have to do twice the volume of work for the next time. I will come earlier to school and finish the double assignment, no big deal.

And finally, I remember the feeling I had each evening before going to sleep. Yes, today was a good day. I did great at school. I confess that each morning I was a little bit confused and even frightened just before getting into the flow of events, but once I was there, acting and doing stuff, everything felt into pieces. And almost every single day at school was a fantastic day for me.

Playing It Safe

Maybe you’re wondering now why I’m writing about my 3rd grade home assignments. That’s a good question. I’m writing about that because somehow, along the way, I lost those feelings. I lost the thrill of not knowing what homework did I have to do, the excitement of doing it under pressure, the satisfaction of doing a great job and the incredible feeling of self-confidence I used to have every day before going to bed.

Somehow, I started to play it safe.

I started to plan in advance everything, to make sure every single situation is covered. I started to do my life assignments at home. Even in advance. I think I started to spend more time doing my homework than actually learning and living.

Sometimes, I miss the thrill of not knowing what will happen tomorrow. Most of the time, I already know it. I have appointments in my agenda and tasks to be done.

I miss the self-confidence feeling I had each night while I was looking back at my school victories. Because I don’t really have any important victories to be proud of nowadays: every little task is done according to the plan.

I even miss my confusion and fear in front of something unknown and challenging because, even if my day is made out of difficult tasks, there’s nothing really unknown or challenging.

At some point, life became boring. Our fight for immediate survival made us create a highly predictable universe. The more predictable the universe we’re creating, the easier the life we’re living. We’re having a job which will provide money every two weeks. We have a partner who will fulfill our physical needs twice per week. We have a house that we’re going to really own in thirty years, after we’ll finish to pay our mortgage. And that’s for sure. Because we took every single measure to be sure. We’re constantly making our life assignments at home. At safe.

Maybe it’s the society. We have to survive. We have to push harder and become richer so we can pay our mortgages, get a bigger and fancier car and spend our holidays in exotic places with names that we couldn’t really spell. We have to provide and be accountable for our own contribution.

Or maybe we just get scared. Maybe it’s the fear of death which makes us surround with beautiful and shiny distractions just to avoid the very dreadful thought of physical destruction. By playing it safe we’re creating the illusion of security and predictability.

No Risk It, No Biscuit

Alas, there is no such thing as security. There is no such thing as predictability either. Security is an illusion invented by  insurance companies.

Fact is we’re vulnerable. We’re exposed to dangers every single second. Our life is not predictable, although by starting to do our assignments at home we’re creating this illusion.

You may wake up one day to realize that planes aren’t flying anymore because of a big volcano with an impossible name from a country half frozen. The sky is filled with smoke. The sky is not safe anymore.

Or you may wake up learning that your partner is not the person you though he/she was. Just like that, in a split second, you realize you invested yourself in the wrong partner. Your emotional life is not safe anymore.

Or you may learn from your bank that inflation made your life savings worth a nickel. Or nothing. You thought you’re covered for many years, but all of a sudden you have to start doing your money assignment again. Your financial life is not safe anymore.

And, as surprising and difficult to accept as it may seem, that’s the beauty of it.

The truth is life is what’s happening while you’re making plans. The secret we’re constantly forgetting is that life is what happens on that fragile line between defeat and victory. Life is about taking risks, embracing challenges and overcoming limitations. And you really can’t overcome limitations if you’re playing it safe. Doing your assignments at home, far from the noise and surprises of the real life, trying to prevent bad things to happen or desperately predicting every single bad outcome and avoiding it, will not make you more alive. This will push you deeper and deeper in the illusion of security, while constantly weakening your risk taking muscles second by second.

Until one day you realize you’re not excited about life anymore. You lost that secret along the way. You’re not going to bed happy about the victories you had during the day. You’re not starting your mornings eagerly waiting for some unexpected challenge. You’re not experiencing the thrill of coping with unknown assignments, focusing with a crystal clear mind and getting better and better.

Every time I get these feelings of boredom, limitation and frustration, I simply recall some of my 3rd grade victories. Now you know my secret.

10 Steps to Turn Your Passion into Business

This is a guest post by Anastasiya Goers of Balance In Me, @balanceinme

Our passions are the winds that propel our vessel. Our reason is the pilot that steers her. Without winds the vessel would not move and without a pilot she would be lost. – Proverb

Do you have a dream to do what you want to do and get money for that? Support your family while being fulfilled in life?

I always enjoyed watching nature and travel shows because the hosts seemed like the luckiest people in the world to me. They could travel all around the world, do fun stuff and get paid for enjoying their lives. Now that’s what I call life!

I must say that I didn’t become a TV host of any of those programs and I am not even Chris Guillebeau (from the Art of Non-Conformity) but now I earn my living doing what I love. I have been pursuing my passion for many years (eight if you want to be exact) and now it is finally turning into a business.

Following your passion is the only way to be great at something (we’ve all heard that saying, right?). It is the only way to be thrilled with your life and the only way to be fulfilled. However if you follow only your passion then you will most likely find yourself broken-hearted somewhere along the road. Your dreams will be just your dreams and your reality will get boring and sad again. When you decide to follow your passion you must make sure that your reason is always showing you the right way. When you combine reason and passion you can create a great business that you will enjoy.

Here is what you need to know in order to turn your passion into your business.

1. Make sure that you have a passion not just a mere interest/hobby. There is a huge difference between what we like and what we are passionate about. I like cooking, it is my hobby but I am not passionate about it. The thought of spending the entire day in the kitchen cooking for hundreds of people is horrifying to me.Ask yourself this simple question “Am I ready to do this every day of my life for 5, 10, 20 years?” If your answer is “yes” then you have found your true passion.
2. Expand on your passion. Look at your passion from different angles in order to see what the real source of it is.I have been a fitness instructor for 8 years and I considered it my passion. However, a few years ago I realized that my true passion lied in helping people perfect their bodies, improve their health and find their life balance. This is how Balance In Me (my blog) was born. Pilates, Yoga, self growth, spirituality and healthy eating are different branches of this passion and they help me stay enthusiastic about my goals.Do not choose a very narrow passion that you might outgrow in a couple of years. Look at the broad picture by analyzing everything that makes you feel fulfilled in life. Do you see a connection?
3. Think of all possible ways how you can pursue your passion. This is the opposite of the previous tip. Brainstorm all possible ways how you can pursue your passion. Let’s say that you are passionate about cooking. You can become a chef and eventually open a restaurant, you can write a book of recipes, you can have a blog about cooking, you can give private cooking lessons or cater for private parties. The more business opportunities you see the easier it will be to find the one that will work for you.
4. Get support from your family. If you are married then this is a must before you even start thinking about making business out of your passion. Misunderstanding, arguments and constant nagging can kill your passion really quick.
5. Treat your passion like business. A lot of people when they venture out in the pursuit of passion make a mistake of treating it like a hobby. There is a common misconception that when they love something they must do it only when they feel like it. In terms of writing it will mean writing only when you have inspiration (whether it is once a day or once a week). Treating your passion like business means:
   - Doing it whether you feel like it or not.
   - Having a to-do list or some plan that must be completed in a certain amount of time.
   - Having regular work hours (do not let your family or friends disturb you during those hours even if it means skipping a cup of coffee with your best friend or missing that great movie at the theatre).
   - Getting dressed for your work (you will need this if you are going to work from home. I can never come up with post ideas while I am wearing my pajamas).
   - Having an organized uncluttered work space (even if your office will consist of a chair and a table, make sure that you do not have any clutter or anything that will distract you from work).
   - Not expecting to earn a lot at once (at first you might even have to do everything for free just to gain the experience)
   - Having days-off and vacations (otherwise you will experience burnout really fast).
6. Be prepared for the boring stuff.  Every business has its boring side. Even though your passion will be your business you won’t escape this part of being an entrepreneur. Whether it is accounting, meticulous personal tax software, cleaning tons of dishes (if you choose cooking), fighting hundreds of spam messages on your blog or dealing with customers, you will have to get used to it. There is nothing much exciting about it other than the fact that this boring stuff lets you enjoy what you are doing 90% of the time.
7. Get some critique. You might think that your passion and idea for business is awesome but in reality it might be a disaster waiting to happen. Talk to your friends or family and let them critique your business to make sure that you have realistic expectations. Do not get offended when they criticize but rather use this information to come up with better plans for business.
8. Try a few different ideas. It is important to try a few different business ideas to see which one will work for you. A passionate writer might be great at writing children’s books but he/she will suck in personal development articles. Figure out what works for you.
9. Do not turn your passion into obsession. When you love doing something you must still be realistic about your plans and expectations. How do you know that your passion has turned into obsession? It is when you start thinking about your passion/business 24 hours a day and when you give up any other opportunities in your daily life (spend an evening out with your friends or take an unexpected trip to the ocean with your family). It is also when you stop noticing any critical comments of your friends or relatives and keep following your passion even when you are on the verge of bankruptcy.
10. Always have a backup plan. When you are just starting out it is good to have some funds built up in your account (enough to let you live for 6-12 months) or have a half-time job that will let you survive even if your business idea fails. Business laws have nothing to do with passion and your business might be a failure. Be prepared for any consequences and be ready to readjust your plans if needed.

If you follow these tips you will definitely turn your passion into a successful business and start living a brilliantly better life.

Anastasiya Goers writes passionately at Balance In Me. If you feel that your life needs some balance and you are ready to join her journey to a happy and balanced life, subscribe here or follow her on Twitter

The Book Of Life

Every morning, before going to the bathroom, Bianca, my 4 year old daughter, comes into my room and asks for my iPhone. Most of the time she gets it. After touching it for a few minutes, she gave it back and starts her normal morning routine. Never asked her why she’s doing while holding the phone. I guess I always assumed she’s playing some of the games I installed precisely for that.

Recently I had to find a specific note in my iPhone Notes, something serious, an address or a flight ticket number. To my surprise, the first note I found was from the same day and it was something like this:

“aquiwue iwury iwurywiuey., kahihas aiehkahjs”.

And it went like this for a few more lines. Apparently, I took that note at 6:49 AM. Oh, of course! It wasn’t mine, it was Bianca’s! I admit it took me a good 7-8 seconds to realize that (yes, sometimes I can be extremely slow). Happy that I solved this unexpected mystery, I deleted the note. The next one, to my surprise, was from the same league, with a slightly different approach:

“ajhskj ajsj bnmabf kajhjkhfhjka a”.

Of course, it was from yesterday. And after deleting it I found the one from the day before and so on. In 5 minutes I discovered about 30 notes written by Bianca every morning in the last month. Some of them were short, but some of theme were pretty elaborate. The first impulse was to clean up the app and delete them. But something made me not to.

I found my piece of information, did my stuff and left the notes untouched in my iPhone. Planning to ask her later about them, of course.

The Secret Diary

The next morning, after she asked for my iPhone, I sat down with her. She seemed pretty absorbed in her writing. Useless to mention that she was incredibly skilled in finding the right app, in the right screen, etc. It wasn’t by mistake, she was doing the writing on purpose.

After she finished the note for today, I asked what was the note about. “But it’s about your name, didn’t you recognize it?”. I admitted I didn’t. “Yeeeees, it’s your name, look closer” she said, and then she left the room, preparing for school.

The next day, I planned to talk more about the notes so even before she asked for the iPhone I initiated a small conversation:

“I’ll give it to you but first, I want to ask you a few questions”
“Oooookey”, she answered, with that voice half bored half promising.
“What is this note about” and I browsed to something from a week ago.
“Well, it was eating out a Pizza Hut, remember?”

Didn’t remember that, to be honest.

“How about this one?” and I pointed to something even older.
“That was when we watched that movie, remember?”

I remembered watching that movie, but it happened before the note. Of course, she doesn’t know how to read or even the days of the month. Time is still friendly to her.

“Ok, I said, you can have it” and handed her the iPhone. Immediately, she started to write the note for the day.

The Book Of Life

On my way to the city that morning, I realized that Bianca was actually writing her book of life. A journal. A witness of her own experiences. And then I realized we’re all doing that. And, to my huge surprise, I realized we’re all doing it the same way Bianca did: in our own, private language.

Nobody really understands our own book of life. We have goals, objectives, paths but we’re the only ones knowing their real meaning. We write our book of life in some kind of gibberish. I may say something like:

“I want to start a 30 day exercising routine”

but you may understand something completely different. For you, an exercising routine could be something very different than it is for me. Our lives can be incredibly isolated because we use a very specific, private language. And that makes us really lonely people, no matter how much we do interact on a formal level.

Bianca’s book of life become alive the moment I started to connect with her. The moment I was interested enough to find out more, her book of life become intelligible for me. Until that, it was just random letters, nothing more.

How’s your book of life? Do you take the time to connect with people around you and let them know what you meant when you said that thing? What you meant when you made that commitment? What you meant when you made that present? Or do you just write gibberish and assume that everybody understands you?

How many times the pages from your book of life have been torn away because nobody really understand them? How many times you ignored messages from other books of life, just because you assumed the message must be written in the same language you understand? How many times you ignored other books of life because you didn’t take the time to sit down, talk and connect with the other person? How many seconds of happiness you lost by that? How many hours of joy?

Do you really take the time to make your book of life available to your closest ones?

Or are you just drifting away, mumbling a completely unintelligible mumbo-jumbo expecting anyone to fulfill your deepest desires?

Life Device Drivers: What Are They and When You Need To Upgrade

Life device drivers are fundamental for a smooth social interaction. They’re the invisible layer which allows us to have a proper interaction with various social interfaces, like a job or a family. Oh, you don’t know what a life device drivers is? No problem, this is exactly what you’re going to find out in this article. But before we dive in, let me tell you that this is the second follow-up to my first article using a computer metaphor to describe self-improvement. You may want to have a look at it first: Are You The Best Version Of Yourself?. And you could also check out the first follow up in this series: How To Defrag Your Mind In 5 Eay Steps.

What Is A Life Device Driver?

Well, it’s just like a software driver, only it’s for your day to day life. I bet you wouldn’t think at that, right? Now, seriously, continuing our computer-human parallel, a life device driver would be described as a set of procedures one uses to manage a certain context at a very low level. The driver should also be used to enforce a certain result upon using that context. Sounds much more complicated than it is.

For example, if we’re talking about computers, a printer driver would let your computer communicate with your printer in order to print documents. The expected result would be the transfer of an image from your computer screen to a piece of paper. Subsequently, a marriage life driver would let you function in an almost automated way as husband and wife. The expected result would be an ongoing partnership which will allegedly make your life easier.

Of course, neither printing or marriage are always creating the expected result. Hence, the constant need to improve their drivers.

Habits, Skills and Life Device Drivers

Drivers are using very low-level programming interfaces. They’re built to access directly the most intimate parts of your computer: interruptions, memory buses and so on. In some respects, they’re like habits: once implemented, you’re using them transparently. Subsequently, once you installed a life device driver you’re just using it and don’t bother about how to talk with the part  you want to manage. But in fact life device drivers are much more complex than a simple habit.

The difference between a mere habit and a life device driver is quite simple: besides the fact that the life device driver should be very low-level, close to the core of your behavior, it should always end with a predictable result. For instance, if you have the habit of taking a nap every afternoon, that wouldn’t be a life device driver, because the expected result will vary drastically. Some afternoons you’ll be fine while others will make you feel like crap. If any of you ever wanted to implement the habit of taking a nap during afternoons, then you know what I mean.

Skills, on the other hand, are essential to life drivers. If you learn a new language, for instance, every time you communicate in that language you will generate an expected result: the other guy will understand what you’re saying. Provided that there aren’t significant bugs in your foreign language driver.  Other examples are: managing your job with a solid set of skills (both technical and social), managing a personal relationship or creating and maintaining a hobby (like travel, for instance).

Life device drivers are just very specific skills, implemented as habits.

Managing Your Real Life Peripherals

If life drivers are skills implemented a habits, what are they actually driving? What is the equivalent of peripherals in our human-computer parallel? We know what a peripheral is for a computer: a printer, a monitor or a keyboard. But in real life?

A life peripheral is an external context in which you want to express yourself. Being married, that’s something that could be called a life peripheral: you do want to express yourself within this context, but it’s not part of your core. You are a complete individual without being forced to be part of a marriage and many of us are functioning like this. Not every computer does have a printer and not every human being wants to be married.

Another peripheral would be a job. For many of us, a job is just an external interface. A context in which we are performing a certain number of tasks and at the end of the week we enjoy the expected result: money. A personal hobby, like traveling, would be another example. You acquire a set of skills (like foreign languages, for instance) and then implement them as habits (doing that constantly).

So, managing your life drivers means acquiring new skills and then maintaining them in the form of habits. Every once in a while, you will need to upgrade your life device drivers, of course.

Still with me? Good.

Why Do You Need To Upgrade Your Life Drivers

Every time you reach a new level in your life you need to upgrade your drivers. You need to be sure you have the right skills and put them to work on auto-pilot in order to perform well on the new interface. Otherwise there will be hick-ups. The expected results will be delayed or even null. You will spend a lot of time debugging your specific life drivers instead of just doing what you have to do.

Every time you enter a new relationship or get a new job, you need to upgrade your drivers. You need to reassess your role in the new relation or acquire new skills for the new job. Failing to do this will put you in the very frustrating state of having a beautiful printer, or camera, or other gizmo and not being able to use it, by lack of the appropriate drivers. And we all know how frustrating that can be.

Entering a new stage in your life without a proper life driver could even result in a frozen computer, or a need for a reboot. Your new job may look and feel great and even give you an underlying feeling of personal progress, but the lack of a proper driver for your new context could lead to a serious life crisis. And if in the geek’s world we know it’s always segmentation’s fault, in this case there’s nobody else to blame for forcing a cold reset, than yourself.

How To Upgrade Your Life Drivers

If you ever had to attach a new peripheral to your computer (a printer, or a camera, or something like this), you’ll find the next steps surprisingly familiar. If not, well, you’ll be in a better position to do this when you’ll have to. Here are 5 steps in which you can upgrade your life drivers whenever your life peripherals are changing.

1. Identify The New Peripheral

Most of the time, this step is obvious: you’ll know when you’ll get married (or at least I hope so, for your own good) or when you get a new job. But there will be times when you won’t exactly know what are the peripherals you want to manage.

For instance, you may want to enrich your social life. But, as real as the inner need may be, this s a very vague definition for a peripheral. Hard to identify it in the form of a manageable device. You can have a better and more fulfilling social life in a million ways. This is why is important to know very well what exactly are you looking for. In some situations the new peripheral could be identified as: a new group of friends. Or: a new group of like-minded people for exchanging ideas. Or: a support group for my public speaking skills.

Once identified, go to the next step.

2. Identify The Expected Result

Now, if you know what you are attaching to your life, it’s time to decide how exactly you want it to work for you. For computers peripherals, this is generally easier, because they come with some specs. A camera should capture frames at a certain frame per second rate, a printer should print at a certain resolution and so on. For life peripherals, things are a little bit fuzzier.

If you’re attaching a new job into your life, you do have a little bit more freedom to decide how exactly it could work. You may negotiate the number of hours you spend, the number and quality of skills involved and then make a specific request. The other part should offer you money, a decent work place, and so on. Now you made your own specs. The same goes for a marriage (more or less, to be honest) and for a personal habit.

It’s important to remember that on this step, a little bit in contrast with a computer setup, you have enough freedom to create your life device specs on demand. You decide what the expected result of using the new interface will be. But it’s also important to understand that you can also change the specs on the go. For a computer, usually this is happening only with a hardware upgrade.

3. Identify The Low-level Access Routines

Now you know exactly what you’re attaching to your life, you know the expected result, all you have to do is to start putting together the pieces. You will start to actually create your new driver. The equivalent for the geeks world will be the analysis stage. You start looking around for technology and choose a programming language. You make all sort of diagrams and workflows, which in a non-geeky, normal language should translate as: you’re imagining your new life in that new context.

In this stage of upgrading your life device drivers you’re creating and incorporating new skills. If the new job requires some training, you’re attending classes. If the new relationship requires some new adjustments (ok, you’re moving together, who’s going to do the dishes?) you’ll start identifying them. This stage is, like I said, analysis-driven, rather than actionable. You’re contemplating your next life device driver.

4. Program And Implement The New Driver

This is the step where you start “writing code”. You have the main architecture of your life device driver, hopefully you already acquired (or upgraded) the necessary skills, all you have to do is to freeze them in new habits. This is also the most difficult to implement, because creating new habits is usually a tedious task.

For instance, if you lived alone for 20 years, and your new relationship is upgrading to a “”living together stage“ you will find it very difficult to change some of your habits. Maybe you have a morning routine in which you’ll have to incorporate a new person (ok, who’s going to use the bathroom first? And for how long?) or maybe you’re having a poker night with the guys every Thursday (and you’re really going to miss that, believe me ).

Most of the life device drivers bugs are created in this stage. We all seem to know what we have to do to improve our lives, but it seems we have a very hard time actually doing it right.

5. Test And Debug

This is the stage when you’re actually using the life driver. You’re already at the new job, or you’re already moving in together, upgrading to your next level of your relationship. Most of the time, you get a trial period at any new job, usually a month. This is the period in which you have to put your new life driver to test. If you already have a life driver, of course.

This is also the last stage in which you can modify your driver. You can make adjustments, replace routines, integrate new skills and create new habits. After this stage is over, you will remain stuck with your life driver in its current state. Not much to be done to it after you finish this testing stage.

In every relationship, the first few months are usually shaping the next years and modifying what you’re creating now is really, really difficult later. Your marriage life drivers will be already in place.

Personal Example

Now, let’s talk about a real life example. Two years ago I decided to sell my online publishing company. After that, one of the bigger social interfaces changed dramatically: I didn’t have an online publisihing company anymore. But I did want to do something with my life. Hence, the need for a new peripheral in my life. Hence, this blog.

That was step number one, if you didn’t realize it by now: I identified exactly the new peripheral in the class of “work”. What exactly I want to do as “work”? Create a personal development blog, of course.

The second step was also pretty clear: I want this blog to become profitable in 2 years. I want to work anywhere between 2 and 8 hours per day and have a very flexible routine. Oh, and I also wanted to generate even a bigger revenue than in my previous business.

The third step was relatively difficult. I had to choose between the Romanian market, where I was obviously comfortable with the language, but the overall market audience was completely out of my target. It was both really small compared with the English speaking blogosphere and not at all interested in anything more than tabloid blogs. I also had to assess my biggest liability, writing and reading in English, and take some steps towards drastically improving these skills. Fortunately, the rest of the diagram was filled in with the necessary requirements: had a lot of business experience, management skills and so on.

The fourth step took me like 2 months. I sold my company in July 2008 and started the blog in October 2008. Not too much to be told about this stage, I just started to write and follow my 2 years long strategy.

The interesting stuff happened (and still continue to happen as we speak) in the fifth step: since October 2008, my life blog driver suffered a few major upgrades. Some of them were related to the time spent writing, some of them were related to the time spent promoting and some of them were about simple things like changing the blog domain from a .ro domain name to a .com domain name. At the moment, I’m pretty satisfied with this life device driver as it is, but I’m sure there are a lot of other small features which can be added.

Well, feel free to suggest some, if you see a flaw in my workflow. And, by all means, do share your impressions. Do you think this is a sustainable approach? Do you see parts where it can be improved? Would you use such an approach to adjust to some big changes (both wanted and unwanted) in your life?. Let the comments begin.

The Most Painful Event Of Your Life

Have you ever thought which is the most painful event of your life? I know this isn’t exactly the kind of question you want to find an answer to, but just out of curiosity, did you ever wondered which exactly was the most painful situation you’ve ever been into?

I reckon this bothered me for some time. I, like you, had my share of painful events, but, whenever I tried to rank them, somehow, something happened. Just when I thought I find it, had to realize I could easily find a much more painful one. Than another one. And then even another one. At some point, I had to give up.

But, as my life progressed, a subtle sense of similarity emerged. At times, I had what you usually call “deja vu” or familiar feelings. Every time my life took a significant turn, a burst of strangely familiar emotions flooded me. Couldn’t describe them at first, it was just a mix of powerful hope and indescribable pain. Yes, that was the most common denominator of those emotions: hope and pain. And then again, every time my life took a significant turn: hope and pain…

And finally, I understood. It took me more than 30 years to understand what was the most painful event of my life: my birth.

Nobody’s Asking For Your Opinion

And nobody really remembers this event, but just think for a while. Try to imagine.

You spend 9 months in the most secure place on earth: another human being. You don’t have nothing to do but to blossom. You are nurtured, protected, loved. Somebody else is living for you day and night. Somebody else is watching every little move you make and smiles at every single thought she has about you. That’s paradise. That’s where we all want to live. The ultimate comfort zone.

But after 9 magnificent months, something terrible happens: you have to get out. The apprenticeship is over. You can’t stay there anymore. You gotta start living. And an unexpected gate is starting to open in front of you, the universe as you knew it is literally starting to flow away, there’s no protection anymore, pressure is building up all around in short but powerful contractions and all of a sudden you find yourself with no other option than to accept it. Without anybody asking for your opinion, you’re sucked away in the new universe. And you cry the hell out of your lungs once you realize that.

But now you’re alive. A whole new journey is waiting for you. Of course, you’re powerless in the beginning. You start to learn new things and slowly begin to adjust. Your ultimate comfort zone is history now: nobody’s carrying you full time. You have to take care of yourself. To become autonomous in this new world.

Continuous Birth

That’s your birth. An incredibly painful event. And, to be honest, that’s exactly what I experienced every time my life took a new significant turn. Gradually, my familiar universe started to become empty. There was more and more pressure around and, most of the times without being asked, I suddenly had to penetrate a new gate, into a new universe. And once there, I usually found myself powerless, frustrated and miserable. I didn’t even have the comfort of crying the hell out of my lungs. As a grown up, it wouldn’t be appropriate, you know. All I could do was to try to adjust to the new territory as fast as I could.

I don’t know about you, but for me, each new beginning is difficult. Usually, after one of these “re-births”, there is no difference between me and an infant who’s learning to walk. Stumbling, walking a few steps, then falling down again. Experiencing a lot of rejections and fear. Everything is a burden. I think you know the feeling. But, the really nice part is that, somehow in parallel with this process, exciting things are starting to emerge. There is the beauty of a new realm. There is the enthusiasm of a new accomplishment. The excitement of a new discovery. A fantastic new life.

Just like a child, I learn how to speak, how to walk, how to express my desires in this new world. And just like a child, I’m more and more happy and joyful. Slowly, I turn the new universe into a new comfort zone. I learn, I adapt and adjust. And, in the process, I become a new person. I live in a continuous birth.

The Happiest Event Of Your Life

Each and every time you’re going through pain, you’re experiencing a strange kind of birth. Every step out of the comfort zone, every punch in the face, every lie you’ve been told, every deception, mistake, broken dream, all of these are part of a new birth. Your comfort zone is becoming obsolete and you have to leave it. Outside and beyond this painful territory there will be a new world, a new beginning, a new life.

I think you started to understand now the title of this article. The pain we’re all experiencing every now and then in our lives is nothing but an indicator we’re out of the comfort zone and something really major will happen. It’s the signal that tells you: something different will hit you, dude, adjust or die.

Every new accomplishment, every joy, every success wouldn’t be possible if you wouldn’t be alive in the first place. And being alive starts with the biggest pain ever.

Keep that in mind when you’re going through tough times. At the end of this difficult birth a new life will start. A new beginning will spawn. The pain you experience now is temporary.

Yes, nobody asked you if you want to go through that pain. Yes, what you used to define as your familiar universe is empty now. Yes, you’re alone and afraid. And, beyond this gate you have to go through you’ll find another unknown and terrifying space you’ll have to adjust to. Yes, I know all of these. I’ve been there a thousand times.

But knowing what’s on the other side, anticipating all the incredible experiences which are waiting for me once the misery is gone, all I want is to be there again. And again. And again.