100 Ways To Live A Better Life – 15. Find Reasons To Agree

Rather than disagree. We have this mindset of competition which makes us constantly argue over things. Well, stop that. You don’t have to force yourself into agreement, if it’s not the case, just trying to find some reasons will be enough.

There’s also another subtle implication of this approach: whenever you force yourself to see the resolution of a situation, rather than its potential conflict, you help the resolution manifest and push away the conflict. It’s subtle, but it happens more often than you think.

Changing your approach to conflictual situations has a great growth potential because we do live in a conflicted world.

Finding reasons to agree rather than disagree will feed harmony and starve conflict. 

Reasons To Agree versus Reasons To Disagree

We all strive for balance, for harmony, for understanding. We all need to feel supported, approved, validated. And all these feelings are rooted in agreement. They’re all consequences of an agreement.

Yet, we unconsciously search for reasons to disagree. We foster conflict. Instead of agreeing fully to something, we always keep a little bit of a doubt aside. We’re not playing “yes”, we’re playing “yes, but…”.

That’s the level where we should be very careful. This subtle level of “ok, I understand you, but…”. At this level we’re seeding imbalance. Although we seem to level with the other person, we’re not.

The big reason for this, is because we have an ego. Correction: the big reason for this is because we believe we have an ego, and we’re listening to it, mistaking its reactions for “our” reactions.

Ego needs identity and differentiation. It needs a way to establish itself, to make itself shown, present, visible. The “but” part in the “yes, but”, this is the ego part.

Don’t get me wrong, we do need an identity. We do need a sense of presence, a way to tell the difference between us and, for instance, a piece of wood. And that’s where an ego can be useful. But not more than that. A basic sense of identity should be enough to give us the awareness to function properly.

Alas, more than once, the ego is going overboard. The need to emphasize itself, the need to be taken into account, this need to overpower the “other one” is making the ego very toxic.

Disagreement is in fact ego’s way to prove itself. That’s how it works. By difference. Well, agreement doesn’t involve ego. On the contrary, agreement dissolve the ego, by leveling up.

So, by finding reasons to agree we actually tame the ego. That’s the main benefit of this habit. By finding reasons to agree we steer ourselves in an “ego free” area.

Every conflict has a solution. Every disagreement can be solved, somehow. Yes, sometimes we can’t solve it right now. Some situations take time. Some conflicts needs years to settle. Or even an entire lifetime.

But finding reasons to agree doesn’t depend on the actual resolution. In other words, you can just try, regardless of the result. Just educate yourself to look at the reasons to agree first, in every conflictual situation.

The mere action of looking at it this way, will drastically improve your life, whether or not the conflict itself is solved.

further reading

The Most Powerful Force In The Universe Is Agreement

I Can versus I Do

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