To be honest, I thought a lot if I should publish this blog post or not. It’s the cornerstone of my work as a blogger, entrepreneur and, generally speaking, nice fella. The problem is that we’re talking about a system so good, so polished and so effective, that it will most likely blow off your mind. And, the next second, it will alienate you. If there’s one thing that I can guarantee about this blog post, is that your day will never be the same after you’ll read it.
There is a trick, though. You should read it point by point. You’re not allowed to browse to the last point. It has this organic thing in it, you have to bear with it, to let it flourish, to give it room. Oh, I’m so excited now that I need to stop. Just read ahead.
1. Take A Deep Breath
And feel great while starring at the monitor: you got it! You finally found a way to achieve success. It’s right here, in the article that you’re gonna read right now. Or skim through, maybe.
2. Scroll Down To The Comments
Uhm, seems legit. For a moment, you thought the comments are closed. Or something. You hate it when the comments are closed. You need other people opinions on stuff, because you don’t have your own.
3. Scroll Back Up To The Top
Up to this specific number. Number 3. You already made it to number 3. Amazing. Things are happening so fast in your life. 10 seconds ago you had no idea about how successful you’ll be. And now you’re at number 3. Already. I mean, wow!
4. Frown A Bit And Quickly Check Your Email
Who knows, maybe somebody sent you something important. You are getting successful now, people are reaching out for you. Alt – Tab, read email. Nothing. At least you got the frowning, it makes you look so smart.
5. Quickly Read Your Facebook Timeline
Because, of course, everybody knows email is dead. If they gonna look for you, they’ll do it on Facebook. Alt – Tab, read Facebook. Nothing. Oh, wait, there’s a cute cat over there.
6. Switch Facebook Accounts
And share that picture. Oh my god, it was so cuuuute. 8 shares already. Good. You can’t share cute stuff from your main, successful account. You’re an example now. A model. People follow your advice.
7. Quickly Check Out Twitter
Speaking of following, let’s see how many Twitter followers you have for real. Unchanged. Same as 20 minutes ago. Hmm. But you already knew people are resistant to change. They just don’t know yet how powerful your message is. A message that will change the world.
8. Speaking Of Messages
Almost without looking at the monitor, fire up Yahoo Messenger. 1582 friends, 2 online. Your mom and dad actually, because you made them sign up automatically. Could it be the rest are hiding from you?
9. Embrace Doubt
And start looking for that link with that software that makes you see who’s actually online on messenger. Damn, the guy who made that was smart. Fire up the app. 1582 friends, all online. Hiding from you.
10. Unblock Your Inner Energies
And swear those putrid bastards hiding from you in 5 different languages. English and 4 invented languages, that is, because you don’t know anything other than English. Those bastards. They’ll see. How successful you are.
11. Take A Deep Breathe
And have your first “déjà vu” sensation in years. When exactly you took a deep breathe again? Think. Think. Think. Of course! At step number one, in this very system. You remembered. Wow. I mean, wow! This stuff really works!
12. Open Yourself To New Experiences
And pin a great image (with a nice mountain in the background) on your latest Pinterest board. Because, you know, you just had this deep sense of accomplishment. Like you climbed on top of a mountain. You feel a little bit pessimistic about the audience, though. Pinterest is still young.
13. Share The Same Picture On Facebook And Twitter
And a bunch of other social media sites. You forgot their names. But you have to be there anyway. Link building, baby. Suddenly, you realize there’s no link. It’s just a picture. But it’s a good picture.
14. Quickly Write A Blog Post
In which you share your experience with this new and incredibly effective success system, that actually works, and you’re a living proof that it works. Subtly, but firmly end it with a call for affiliates. It’s a huge opportunity. Sign up. For something.
15. Share Your Blog Post On Facebook
And that’s when you realize somebody commented on your mountain picture. You successfully manage not to fall from your chair by emotion, breathe (again) and prepare to connect. The guy said it’s actually his picture and he asks you to give credit.
16. Don’t Let Anyone Interfere With Your Dream
So you politely respond to the guy, softly informing him he’s a dick. Which, in itself, gives you another deep feeling of accomplishment. Those dicks and their pictures. It’s not like they own the internet. The internet is free.
17. Feel Free In Your Heart
That’s a sentence that just popped in into your head and, charmed by a sudden inspiration, you swiftly post it on Twitter. Twenty two retweets in the first 2 minutes. Good. Very good. This system really works.
18. Respect Your Enemies
Which you suddenly realize you have. Never had any so far, but looks like the guy with the picture just sent you a message. An angry message. This guy has an anger management problem. You help him solve it with a very therapeutical “block and report for spam”.
19. Feel The Positive Energy
An energy you just generated with your last action. One dick less in the social media jungle. More room for you. That’s the spirit. You feel the need to write another blog post, but you realize it’s too fast.
20. Pace Yourself
Don’t rush into it. Let it build. Watch the results. The interactions. You don’t have any so far, although there’s been three hours already since you wrote the blogpost. The dick’s picture is viral. Your blog post, not so much.
21. Take Action
Quickly photoshop the picture and add an obscure quote at the bottom of the mountain. People love quotes on pictures. And now the dick can’t say anything about it anymore. It’s a compilation. It’s, basically, yours.
22. Look Deep Down Into Your Real Identity
And discover that you used the wrong Facebook account all the time. It was the cute cats account. You shared the mountain with the smart quote image from the wrong Facebook account.
23. Don’t Let The Guilt Overpower You
And switch the Facebook accounts again. You’re on the main account now. Hardly any friends. But that’s how it is on the heights. It gets lonely. Few can attain success as fast and as furiously as you did.
24. Celebrate It When It Pays Back
Like right now for instance: you just had a new follower on Twitter. (It’s a robot, but you magnanimously ignore this detail). Well, a new follower, that’s not something that happens every day. So you get out from the chair, stretch out, take a pizza bite and wave at your gorgeous, 24 years old, blonde neighbor. She’s never home, of course, so you’re safe. It’s not like she’s actually gonna see you waving.
25. Work Out Regularly
Since you’re not sitting up anymore (and since the gorgeous neighbor is not home yet) you try a few pushups in the backyard. Incredibly tired, you get up after you hardly finish the third one, just to realize the gorgeous neighbor is home early. Watching you. With a smile.
26. If Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade
No, the gorgeous neighbor smile wasn’t the right smile and you feel incredibly awkward. No need to wave anymore so you get up, turn back, and enter the house with a limp. You’re injured, of course. Otherwise, you can easily do 100 pushups. In a row.
27. Ask for Advice
Switch Facebook accounts again, and ask candidly: how can you do more than 10 pushups. In a row. After 20 instant answers containing mostly cat pictures, you delete the post and ask the same question on Quora.
28. Competition Is Good
You realize there were more than 50 questions almost identical with yours. How dare they? You thought at it first. They’re so copying you with that. Dicks.
29. Create Compelling Products
Inspired, you combine all the answers you found on Quora in one big ebook, named “Lose fat, be attractive and stay cool with only 10 pushups a day”. With a few clicks you self-publish it on Amazon, Kindle and iBookStore. Wow. Whatta big hit this ebook will gonna be.
30. Acknowledge Success
The free excerpt of the ebook is really, really hot, downloading like crazy, with more than 2 downloads in the last 12 hours. Conversion rate is not so good, though, but, hey, at least they get the free version. People are interested. This system is so working, you feel it.
31. Follow your Intuition
And right now, your intuition is softly whispering that the gorgeous neighbor is not looking, so you sneak out for some groceries. Your credit card is maxed out, you seem to learn candidly at the cashier desk. You pay cash and leave the store. Angry.
32. Encourage Serendipitous Meetings
As you walk out, you literally bump into the gorgeous neighbor. Fortunately, she’s not smiling anymore (man, that smile killed you inside). Unfortunately, she’s laughing out loud. At you. Oh yes, it must be that you’re a funny person.
33. Discover And Grow New Skills
As you unpack the groceries, you realize you were a funny person all along. It was all the time within you. You’re funny. That’s a new skill. And you can use that to your advantage. Man, you just had another revelation.
34. No Risk It, No Biscuit
You put on a funny face, quickly browse for (and memorize) a few internet jokes and, boldly assuming a new relationship risk, enter the gorgeous neighbor house. She’s having dinner. With her boyfriend. What a dick.
35. Control Pain
You came back to your house with your head up, close the door and bursts into tears. Because you just realized you’re not meant to have a relationship. You’re a lone wolf. You don’t need a pack. Or a girlfriend. Nope. Lone wolf.
36. Accept Your Dark Side
And spend, silently, the next few hours on redtube. It’s your dark side. Nobody must know about that, but it’s yours and you accept it. With your soul and hands open. After you get a bit of relief, you delete cookies, browser history and check your blog statistics again. Huh. Time to be successful again, baby.
37. Learn To Manage Your Money
Because, believe it or not, you just had a sale. Somebody bought your book. Wow! You have $4.99 more in your account. Wow. I mean WOW!. This system is so working. Not only you sell your products but you also got an email. From that customer. Feedback. So fast. Actually, he’s asking for a refund. What a dick.
38. Capitalize On Your Success
By sending a polite message to that customer, explaining that you’re gonna report him as an intellectual property thief. And that you had no guarantee whatsoever when you sold that ebook. And that your ebook is good. You put your heart into it.
39. Be Amazed
As you get an answer form the same customer, which turns out to be your dad. The refund was a joke. He thought you’d be angry. But that’s exactly what he wanted for you to be. Because, now, he’s finally having your attention.
40. Provide Service
Perhaps now you’ll be finally sign him off from that app with a yellow smiling face on it, which you signed him automatically into it, and from where he gets thousands of messages about Viagra. How did you know he actually needs it?
41. Break Up With The Past
And sign him off from Twitter. Shame, guilt and a bunch of other stuff is getting over you. Take a deep breath (yeah, from the system) and promise yourself never to look back at this incident. Never. Eyes forward. Posture. That’s everything, posture.
42. Improve Constantly
And write 23 new chapters to your ebook, all about posture. Because, of course, you now know everything about it. Republish the ebook. Second edition. Increase price too. $5.99.
43. Try To See The World From A Different Perspective
And write a few testimonials for your ebook, all very positive, and post them from a dozen of fake accounts. Man, it’s so enlightening to see the world from other people’s eyes. You should do this more often.
44. Fight Resistance
Which came into the form of your ebook being banished from Kindle, iBookStore and Nook. Because “it contains information freely available on the internet, part of it copyrighted”. Dicks. They don’t know shit about you.
45. Be Friendly With Strangers
Like that gorgeous blonde stranger (strangely looking like your neighbor) you just found on tagged. Since you don’t have a product anymore, maybe it’s time to focus on your relationships. She is a“former model, ready to fulfill your deepest desires”. You tell her briefly about your success system. Which works.
46. Get Some Rest
And sleep for 30 minutes with the head on the keyboard. Because you’re so tired, of course. You worked hard. You need a break. The door bell awakes you.
47. Make The First Step
Back, that is. Because at the door it’s the gorgeous neighbor boyfriend. Asking why you’re harassing her girlfriend on tagged. You don’t. But you just take one step back. Maybe 2. OK, you’re running away from the back door.
48. Manage Fear
By faking that you’re cold, so people on the street won’t take your shivering the wrong way. You’re cold. Man, that guy was 1.90 m tall. All muscles. And angry. Dick.
49. Don’t Rush It
So, you wait patiently a few hours, a block away from your home, until the 1.90 m guy is finally leaving. He left you a note. On your window, with some colored spray. It’s something about you doing something to yourself. You ponder the possibilities, but decide not to do that thing. To yourself.
50. Put Things In Perspective
You cover your windows (it’s already night, but you don’t want to be seen) and do a fast recap: 2 ebooks, emails from customers (only one, but still), a few followers. It’s working. You’re successful. Time to go to sleep. Enough work for a day. And that 1.90m dick. He’ll see. Once you’ll gonna be successful. He’ll see.
51. Get Up, Leave This Blog And Do Something With Your Life
If this post alienated you, I’m glad. That was my intention.
If you laughed, it’s ok.
If you thought I’m a dick, that’s fine either.
Just stop fooling around, wasting your life.
Just get up and do something. Something that other people will need. Something that you can do better than others. And keep doing it over and over again.
There’s no easy way to be successful. There’s no blog post, or system that will teach you that. You have to make things happening. Otherwise, and that’s something I can guarantee, one way or another, in one form of another, the 1.90 m tall guy will be back again at your door, scaring the shit out of you. 😉