If Countries Names Would Actually Mean Something

Instead of just perpetuating historical, outdated information, that is.

As you can guess, today’s I’m in a rather relaxed mood, so I thought I could throw in my 365 days writing challenge something funny. Or at least something that I find funny, because your mileage may vary.

So, what if countries’ names would actually have some representativity, something that would make you aware of some very specific traits of those people? Countries’ names, as we inherited them, are more or less perpetuating some outdated information, or some events that are no longer of interest now. But there is a certain cohesion, being it cultural, or aspirational, that makes countries recognizable, or at least distinguishable from one another. That’s how we can “feel” that someone is French, Romanian, Brit, and so on.

So, what if we can come up with something that will make these intuitive characteristics more obvious?

Of course, what follows can be equally taken as a rant, or just as an incoherent mumble, but I had fun writing it. Feel free to contribute your own specifics in the comments, if you want to.

Without further ado, let’s go.

United Kingdom

Well, that’s an easy one. It should be named Imfinelandia. Pronounced something like “I’m fine land ya”.

Because, obviously, that’s the most common thing you will encounter when interacting with a Brit. “How are you?”, ‘I’m fine, thank you”.

Following through, the citizens of this country will be called: Finelandians. Alternatively, or informally, we could also call them “Noworries” (just like in New Zealand they call themselves “pommies” and in Australia “aussies”). The singular form will be: a “Noworry”.


As a born and raised Romanian, that is very easy for me, it should be called Isteristan. Because, obviously, everything is reason for getting hysterical about it. There’s seldom any time for chill in this country (although, looking at it from a distance, it may not look like that). There are very few places when people are actually relaxed in Romania, and these are mostly in the country side. All urban area is just a contiguous psychiatrical practice field for observing hysteria.

Citizens of this country will be called “Isteriste?i”. The gimmick here being the word “iste?”, which means “smart”. So, an “Isteriste?” is a person who reacts very fast, in a very aggressive way, pretending to know everything, hence, pretending to be smart. Obviously, that’s not true.


Another easy one. It should be called: Baiservin. Pronounced like the two French words “baiser” and “vin”. That’s obviously the only two things they care about. If you don’t know what “baiser” means in French, maybe it’s worth looking it up, just in case you think abut visiting some day.

Citizens are called Baiservinois, if they identify as men, or Baiservinette, if they identify as women.


Living for more than 2 years there, I got to learn quite a few things about this country. Not pretending I know everything about it, I still think we can safely call it: Ruidonada. Much noise (ruido), usually for nothing (nada).

Citizens are named Rudionachos, and kids, obviously, Ruidoniños.

New Zealand

Another country that I got the chance to visit a few times (even planned to move there at some point in my life). Another easy one: Cloudwatch.

That’s all they do, based on the real name of the country, Te Aoteroa (the country of the long white cloud, that’s the real Maori name of it).

Surprisingly, though, its citizens are named Tongueknots. That’s because of their language, which sounds somehow like English, if you really take the time to listen.

That was it. If you know of, or think about, any other country name that should be updated to reflect the reality on the field, feel free to contribute it in the comments.

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