5 Types Of False Positive People

Man, it’s good to let some steam off. At least, from time to time. Every time you deal with aggressive or frustrated people, the energy between you is curbed. This is how it works, their actions or words are dislocating large chunks of energy that you have to process somehow. Pressure builds up. Most of the time, that pressure and aggressiveness can be recycled. But sometimes, it can’t. So you let the steam out and this is how you deal with aggressive and frustrated people.

But as I looked over the other day post and its reactions on Twitter and Facebook, something interesting stroke me. You know, aggressive people are easy to spot. They’re loud and somehow visible. They yell at you and they even become physically violent. But they’re not the only species that can hurt you. Not even remotely. In a way, they’re easier to deal with because they’re honest and easy to spot.

But there are a few types of people who are even worse than them. I call those “false positive people”. It’s coming from a programming concept, in which you create an algorithm and then start feeding it with data, but at some point, the algorithm is bypassed by a piece of data that it normally shouldn’t. That event is called “a false positive”. It looks like it’s ok, but it’s not.

False positive people are difficult to spot. They’re not yelling at you. They’re not trying to hurt you openly. At least not from the beginning. They build a sugary image used to get close to you and then, when they’re close enough, they start their own hurting game. In my experience, there are at least 5 types of false positive people.

1. The Empowerer

This is what I call “the vampire“.  Their sugary line is: ”I get out the best of people.“ And most of the time, you fall for that. Who doesn’t want to get out the best of themselves? But beyond that sugary line lies a bunch of frustration and lack of attention.

The ”empowerer” doesn’t really want to get anything out of you. What he wants is to be listened continuously and taken care of. The subtle mechanic of his game is: “You see, I get out the best of you, now you should do the same for me. Or at least thank me in some way”.

That was my very first false positive and I fought for a long time with it, almost 8-9 years. It went on an on with an imbalanced relationship until I realized that I’m the only one that can get out the best of me. At that point, the energy exchange game stopped.

2. The Surviving Victim

This is a disguised abuser. Their sugary line is: “Everybody treated me so bad, you’re the only one that understands me.”. Of course, nobody treated them bad. As a matter of fact, the “surviving victims” are getting the best treatment they can dream of. Only they never admit it.

Most of the time they’re looking around to tell their sad stories to whoever is willing to listen. The moment you start to express some mild interest, (not to mention the tiniest compassion) they’re ready to “surrender” to your powerful hands. Only they’re not really surrendering, they’re taking over your life.

That’s the second type I met and lived with for a long time. Around 5 years of endless back and forth of “everybody treated me so bad, you’re the only one that I trust. As long as you’re going to do exactly how I say to you, right?”.

3. The Cheerleader

This is a disguised manipulator. He’s the one that give pats on the back but never really care about you. Ready to take your place anytime. Talking behind your back. Bragging around with your successes. The happy-go-lucky pal that will always be ready to take your girlfriend out “to a movie”.

They don’t have a sugary line, but most likely a sugary approach. Their apparent joy and availability is in fact a facade for a very clear purpose. Once you immersed in their enthusiastic vibration, you’re going to obey to their small and almost impossible to refuse requests.

This type is very often found in business relationships. The social norm in these circles is to smile and be available. On top of this game, it’s very easy to construct a more sophisticated behavior with the only goal of obtaining influence or manipulate other people. Took me a few years to learn to isolate them from the genuinely enthusiastic business partners I had.

4. The Yesman

This is a disguised con. Their sugary line is: “You’re awesome, man, everything you do is just amazing!”. Other variations include: “You know I am your friend.” or “Whatever you say.”. Behind this line there is, of course, a simple intention to get something from you.

It wasn’t until recently that I was confronted with yesmen. Partly because I never showed myself as a powerful or resourceful person, choosing a much humbler approach. That way, I wasn’t useful, since they allegedly didn’t have anything to take from me.

But in the end, I had to have this infamous conversation myself:  “I am your friend, can you lend me some money?”, “But of course, when are you getting to pay it back?”, “In two weeks. Top.”. Never seen that money again, of course.

5. The Savior

This is a disguised dominator. Their sugary line is: “I know how to save you. Just let yourself in my power and I’ll take care of you.” Most of the time, the savior did have some psychological knowledge (acquired or instinctual). Meaning that he will prove to some point that he can be useful.

But once you take off some of your shields, he will become your worst nightmare. The most unpleasant part of a relationship with a “savior“ it’s their constant need to be in control, to watch your moves and to be sure you’re following their instructions.

I found my ”savior“ a few times, most of the time by willingly investing them with my own power, hoping that things will turn out well. It never did, of course. The problem wasn’t that they were all becoming dominating at some point, but the fact that I thought I had a problem in the first place.

***

One thing that you should be aware of, when dealing with other people, being them openly aggressive or disguised as false positive, is that they’re just tools for your destiny. They’re looking and acting in a certain way to you because you filter them in that specific way. They’re like this for you and for you only. In other words, the problem they’re pointing at is inside you.

Every man is true to himself. Deep down, everybody wants to be happy. We just choose different paths on this road. And these paths can hurt or empower other people. For some, we may come out as true and balanced individuals. But for others, we may be their empowerer, their surviving victim, their cheerleader, their yesman or their savior. Provided that they’re allowing us to perform like this for them.

So, apart from getting your distance and protect yourself from the false positive people in your life, take the time to always remember that they’re nothing but tools in your destiny.

In the end, what needs to be worked out is inside you.

Social Games People Play

Are you a Victim? A Rescuer? Or a Persecutor?

Believe it or not, you are all of them, at certain moments of your life. You are a victim, and then you are a rescuer and sometimes, without even knowing it, you are a persecutor. Don’t buy this? Let’s try some short examples:

1. At work, you hit a block: there’s a task so big and so complicated, that you can’t do it by yourself. What do you do? You reach out for help. Ask a colleague to support you. And why you do this? Because it’s too much for you. You’re overwhelmed. You’re a Victim (in this case, a victim of the circumstances).

2.  Suppose now you’re the other guy, the one who is asked for help. What do you do? You come to the rescue, you help the other person. Why? Because helping the other person fulfills some internal desire for recognition and self-esteem. You’re a Rescuer.

3. Now suppose you’re the boss of the two workers above. You spot the fact that one of them is asking for help and you don’t agree with that. You interfere: you forbid to the rescuer to help and leave the victim alone in finishing that task. You think it’s “your job as a boss” to do that, but in fact you’re playing a Persecutor.

These are just short, real-life examples when we are playing what I call social games. But the real social games, the ones that are shaping our lives in uncontrollable ways, are played without even knowing. We’re doing them for months, sometimes years, without noticing. Think you’re not doing things without knowing?

The Script

Fact is we’re all doing that. At various moments in our lives we’re all playing the part of the Victim, the Rescuer or the Persecutor. Sometimes we have a really good reason for doing it, sometimes, most of the times, we don’t: we’re doing it unconsciously, on auto-pilot. We’re following a Script. In fact, the real problems with those roles arise when we’re following a Script, not when we’re playing them for really good reasons. Some of the really good reasons includes saving a person from an accident (Rescuer) or taking attitude against an injustice (Persecutor).

By the age of 4-5 years, we all have our Scripts engrained in our main behavior. Based on these Scripts, we’re playing our parts for the rest of our lives. We’re playing at our job, to get a job, or to get rid of a job. We’re playing with our friends, by saving them, by asking for their protection or by hurting them. We’re playing in our personal relationships, looking for people who are going to fulfill our needs for protection, for saving or for hurting.

The Scripts are unconscious sequences we’re following, most of the time ending with a negative outcome. Also called the “pay-off”. Confused? Read on.

The Mechanics Of The Human Games

One of the most common Scripts is the victim – rescuer tango. The initiator, usually the Victim, starts to advertise his or her needs for protection. “I’m alone”, “I need somebody in my life” are common phrases for this part. Some variations are “Love me, feed me, never leave me” or even “I’m so available, can you just pick me up?”.

At this stage, a rescuer, or a matching partner for the victim advertised needs, is starting to make his or her moves. “Ok, I’m here now, you won’t be alone anymore”, or “I’m going to love you and protect you for the rest of my life” are common phrases for the rescuer. A junction is formed. The Victim and the Rescuer are starting their tango. Sometimes, most of the times, this tango takes the structure of a marriage.

But that’s only the initial part of the Script, and it’s usually the simplest part of it. As time goes by, the partners are starting to interchange their parts based on their unconscious Scripts. They take their turns at becoming Victims, Rescuers or Persecutors.

One of the most common variations is the following one: let’s say the Rescuer has some troubles. (By the way, because of the nature of their attitude, Rescuers are the most exposed to troubles. They’re reaching out trying to “help” other people because they didn’t properly addressed their own internal problems. So, they’re the most vulnerable actors.) Well, let’s say a Rescuer have some troubles so he can’t fulfill his part in front of the Victim. He runs out of money or he gets ill. He can’t “protect” her anymore. Now, what’s interesting is that the Victim is turning into a Persecutor.

You would expect the Victim will become a Rescuer, balancing the situation until the initial Rescuer gets back on his feet. Well, nope. In 99% of the situations the Victim becomes a powerful Persecutor, starting to blame him. The Rescuer become the Victim, only this time he has nobody to save him. He has only a Prosecutor who blames him for everything that goes wrong in the Universe.

From now on, the two actors can follow many paths. Some of them choose to address their issues and get rid of their roles. They are the lucky ones. And they’re also very few. The rest, the vast majority, is choosing to get out of the initial game with a “pay-off”. The “pay-off” is something like: “I knew it from the beginning” or “It’s over and I deserve to be unhappy”.  The “pay-off” is the negative outcome of the Script. It’s based on some past events which are tracing the main parts of the Script in the player unconscious behavior.

The “pay-off” acts like the trigger for the next game. It doesn’t end the circle, it just creates the premises for the next encounter.

The Victim will start advertising her needs again and the Rescuer will start looking for somebody to protect again. The Script is rebooted.

Assess, Decide, Do

The only way to get out of the Script is awareness. A Victim must accept his or her needs to control other people, a Rescuer must acknowledge his or her internal problems that must be addressed before trying to save somebody else, and a Persecutor must deal with his exaggerated sense of justice, coming most likely from the fact the he or she suffered the effects of some injustice in the past.

It’s far more easier to say this than to do it. I agree. The Script is always easier to follow because it’s proved. Reality is uncertain. Becoming aware can put you in an unexpected situation, while the Script will at least give you some familiar feelings. You did this before and you got your “pay-off”. It’s a closed circle and gives a sense of security. Even if the outcome it’s negative, a Script is much more comfortable than an open confrontation with your own problems.

The “pay-off” will always enforce a negative conclusion about life, about yourself or about the Universe. Something like “I’m ugly, nobody wants me around”, or “I always give too much and I’m under appreciated”, or even “There’s no justice in this world and this is just not fair”. But it’s exactly the “pay-off” that makes a an actor to dive again in the next Script. Ok, I screw it up, but next time I’ll do better. I know where to start. I’ll strive and this time I won’t miss it.

Of course you will. The Script will run again.

Games People Play – The Book

Many of the concepts in this blog posts were borrowed from Eric Berne’s great book “Games People Play”, published 50 years ago. If, by any chance, this blog post raised a part of your eyebrow, then check out the book. You’ll find some amazing games described there, from the “Debtor” to the “Frigid Woman”.

Until then, feel free to share in the comments your opinions, games and current roles you’re playing: are you a Victim, a Rescuer or a Persecutor?