The Subtle Comfort Of The Discomfort Zone

I have a very close relationship with the discomfort zone. We’re somehow friends. Over the years I slowly learned the subtle science of feeling good in my discomfort zone. What follows is a short description of my approach.

But first, let’s have a glimpse of what I understand by discomfort zone in some areas of my life.

Social Life

Last week I attended to an astrology workshop. I am somehow into astrology and since I already knew the woman who held that workshop (from a mailing list, not from real life), going there seemed like a nice idea. But the atmosphere, the people and the whole workshop approach proved to be completely new and somehow disturbing. I literally felt like an alien taking notes with my iPad, the only man among 20 something middle age women (there was another man attending but he was an astrologer too, so I guess it didn’t counts). That was a very uncomfortable place for me to be.

At the same time, I am on board of a business event called Venture Connect where I meet with people from the online industry. While I do enjoy being there, the challenges this position brings are quite interesting. I have to search for new, valuable online businesses, evaluate them, meet with entrepreneurs, balance their expectations and so on and so forth. It’s the second edition of the event and I’m starting to feel a little bit more relaxed, but it still requires some serious stretching from me.

In the last two months I started a consulting project (quite a big one, it will end in March next year) where I have to spend a few hours every day in an office, evaluating progress of a team, provisioning, negotiating deals, creating and implementing strategies and so on. That’s a very interesting position for me, in a very subtle and new way. I had my own business for more than 10 years, but positioning myself somehow outside of the power and control position of a business owner, while still trying to get measurable results as a consultant, well, that’s something completely new and, of course, uncomfortable.

And during the entire day, every day, I socialize on Twitter and Facebook, interacting with dozens of people and trying to manage thousands of followers. Some of them are just having common interests, some of them are just into chit chat, while some of them are completely unknown strangers who are trying to make new friends. For a rather reserved person like me, this routine is really uncomfortable.

Work

Although I am seasoned web programmer, lately I decided to enter the Apple ecosystem, creating and selling my own iPhone / iPad (and, lately, even Mac) apps. For that, I had to learn Objective C from scratch and implement myself all the functionality I needed. It’s true that the first prototype of my iAdd app was ready in just 30 days, but those 30 days were an incredibly wearing period for me. iAdd is not a walk in the park, it’s a solid, Core Data based app with a lot of underlying features.

And maintaining, bug fixing and improving iAdd takes a very big chunk of my time, even if I’m becoming more and more experienced. But the distance from my comfort zone of being a regular PHP programmer to becoming a skilled and effective Objective C programmer is huge. Objective C is still a very disturbing place for me, although I spend a few hours in that realm every day.

Personal Relationships

Although what you read so far can give you an idea about my general discomfort zone, nothing from it compares with what I have in my personal relationships. As some of you may know, I’m separated from the mother of my 4 year old daughter, Bianca. I also have another child, Victor, who is 13 years old.

Until recently, my personal relationship approach was a very “clean”, cutting edge one: either “100% in”, or “100% out”. Meaning that if I commit to a relationship, I’m there 100% no matter what. But when I’m out from the relationship I’m out for good. Like no messages, no phone calls, no nothing. From the other person point of view, I may be considered as well as dead. 100% out.

While I’m still committed to keep the first part the same (whenever I may decide to enter a new relationship, that is, which is something that won’t happen very soon, for sure), the second one, the one related to “100% out” is something that I decided to change. I want to start to maintain a (former romantic) relationship going on on a different vibe, not for my own benefit, but to give to my children access to their father too. Even if they’re not in a regular family, being able to get in touch and maintain permanent contact with their father is fundamental. That’s something I’m committed to do, no matter what.

But well, here comes the difficult part. All my partners were accustomed to my “100% in” approach. So each contact we have is seen through those lenses. Although I’m well out and beyond the romantic relationship we had and all I want is to create a friendship, they’re still expecting me to perform as I was “100% in”, which I’m not.

Anyway, fact is I find the process of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries in personal relationships incredibly difficult. Not because of the actual me, but because of the image I created into my partners minds by the former me.

On top of that, I have to be really careful not to create too many expectations on my new romantic relationships. I kinda managed to have a balance on this area so far, but it tends to get a little crowded lately .

That’s one hell of a discomfort zone, believe me.

How To Stretch

Why am I telling you all these? Not because I’m creating public reports of my social life, work or personal relationships, that’s for sure. But because I want to show you how and why I find the discomfort zone fundamental for one’s growth.

So, here’s how to stretch:

1. Take A Leap Of Faith

Jump. Start doing what you’re afraid of. Immerse in it without too much thinking. The discomfort zone is not a rational one. If one would have to use reasoning for jumping into the discomfort zone, he would never do it. We’re wired to search and enjoy balance.

But too much balance is dangerous. Too much balance is like sitting on a chair at a party and enjoying your staying, while everybody around is dancing. The dance is where the real fun is, not sitting on the chair. Life is a dance and just because you’re invited to the party, if you don’t get up and dance it doesn’t mean you’re really having fun.

And it’s true: to start dancing you gotta summon courage, not reason.

For instance, in my social life I just dive in whenever I feel the drive to. Going to that astrology workshop was a leap of faith. I felt like an alien during it, that’s true, but the leap of faith proved really beneficial. I stretched out. I made my muscle work somehow.

2. Observe Your Reactions

Fundamental. See what everything means for you. See what muscle is strengthened. See how the new you unfolds. If you don’t observe what the discomfort zone is doing to you, the leap of faith was in vain. Was just a gratuitous, selfish and useless act. But if you’re staying aware, you start reaping off the benefits.

This is the learning stage of the process and if you’re not taking the time to follow through, you’re not using your discomfort zone. The discomfort zone uses you to create frustration.

For instance, in my social life (again) every day spent at the office is a day of learning. I position myself more and more accurately based on my own reactions to what happens. It’s like I’m building the muscle of being a consultant instead of a business owner. It’s something I never did before, so I must work this muscle pretty hard. But each day I find a new exercise for it.

3. Integrate

Take a break every once in a while and see what exactly was changed in your life. And then start to find a way to fit that change into your new you. If you don’t integrate the change, the new muscle (along with the leap of faith that created that muscle) will be useless. If it won’t be used, it will get thinner and thinner until it will disappear.

For instance, in my personal relationships, I realized that my “100% out” approach had to be changed. So, I took the leap of faith to morph my (former romantic) relationships into friendships and started to observe my reactions, to build this new muscle, fiber by fiber.

But as things are progressing, I’m integrating it into other areas as well. Meaning I try to first become friend with a potential romantic partner and then see if there’s something more than that. If anything. I’m just using my newly strengthened friendship muscle.

4. Enjoy

That’s the part where the subtle comfort of the discomfort zone really kicks in. There is a certain time when all the first three steps are coming together, forming a fantastic realm of pressured satisfaction. Things are moving, are transforming around you, there is still a lot of pressure to be solved, you’re tired and frustrated, but, somehow, you’re thriving. And you feel it with all your being.

The simplest comparison is with a workout. It’s hard to push and push and stretch yourself out of the comfort zone. But as you progress, as you stay there doing what you wanted to do, something is starting to change into your body chemistry. You’re releasing endorphins. And although if you’re still feeling tired and frustrated, you’re enjoying the hell out of that workout. I know you know the feeling.

That’s exactly what I’m currently doing with my Objective C discomfort zone. I’m still frustrated and tired, but I’m already seeing results (customers are happy with my products, the app is regularly featured by Apple, etc). I’m starting to enjoy the endorphins of my Objective C workout, although I’m far from finishing it.

So, there is time to enjoy your comfort zone. But not for long.

Because you gotta take the next leap of faith.


Post Raw Food Diet

As some of my readers already know I was on a raw food diet for 9 months. I wrote “I was” because in the last 3 months I decided to quit this diet. In today’s post I’ll explain the reasons behind this decision as well as some of the most important consequences of this change.

Reasons

The main reason behind this decision was social interaction, which was dramatically affected by this diet. When you eat raw, prepare yourself for a serious wave of rejection. And this rejection will come from various sources: close friends, random acquaintances or even close family. This rejection will also come in various forms, from aggressive attitudes to feelings of inadequacy.

For instance, every time we ate out, the waiter put the steak in front of me and the 3 salads I ordered in front of my wife. Every time I had to tell him is the other way around. At parties or other social gatherings I had to explain all the time that I am different. When the gathering was a little bit casual and the hosts knew us, they were doing their best to prepare in advance some raw food for me. I was the only one eating raw, of course. And instead of feeling nice because they were prepared to meet my food demands, I always felt isolated. No matter how many explanations I gave, they were still looking at me like I was a nutcase or something.

I have to tell you that in Romania, the country where I still live, being vegetarian is extremely rare. Meat is natural here. Even those who are eating white meat are considered “weak”. If vegetarianism was so strange, imagine then how a raw foodist was perceived.

But it was not only the outside world who was rejecting me because of that, it was also my close family. Diana, my wife, was not very happy when I started this. She is omnivorous and I have nothing against it. Even if she was not happy with my diet change, she accepted it like any other crazy experiment I did. But after a couple of months, when she realized I’m not going to stop, she really freaked out. I still don’t know why, but she did. At some point, she tried switching to raw but couldn’t keep it for more than 2 weeks.

The bottom line is that modifying your eating habit in such a drastic way will heavily impact your social life. At all levels. The benefits of the raw food diet were enough for a while, it was a fair balance, but after more than 6 months things started to get out of control.

I hit the first wall during my trip to Japan, a couple of months ago. It’s simply impossible to keep a raw food diet while in Japan. Not only because everything is so expensive (Tokyo being the most expensive city I ever been in) but because the food offer has almost nothing completely raw, everything is cooked. So, while I was traveling to Japan I had to make the first compromise.

After I got back, I also had to make some compromise because of the social life which was getting a little bit crazy. In less than a month, I was half raw and half cooked. And after 3 months, here I am, a lacto-ovo-vegetarian, as I was one year ago.

Consequences

There are positive and negative consequences of switching back from the raw food diet. I will outline them one at a time below, but before that, I will try to depict the main difference between those two lifestyles (because being raw is more of a lifestyle than a diet).

When I was raw, I felt like I was a train functioning on electricity. The energy was pure and I had a lot of instant energy. After I’m back to vegetarianism I feel like a train functioning on coal. The energy is not so pure, but it’s constant. The electricity train makes almost no garbage, the coal train makes a lot of garbage (and I’m talking at all levels: mental, spiritual and physical). The electricity train was somehow pure, but out of sync, an alien in the world of coal trains. The coal train is not so pure anymore, but seems to be accepted by many more.

Positive Consequences

It certainly seems that I’m enjoying a much smoother social life. Everywhere I go, I can pass disguised as a normal person. I can eat some eggs, a salad, pasta, even pizza. I’m normal. The freak is gone.

Another positive consequence is that I’m not feeling restricted anymore. During the adaptation period from cooked to raw vegan I experienced a lot of cravings, and somehow this attitude of restriction was extended at other levels. I had this constant feeling of restriction, which is now gone (let aside the social restrictions I had to face). Eating some cooked food made me a little more comfortable with myself and with the whole world.

I also enjoy a little bit of a normal family life. And since we’re here, one thing I really want to mention is how Bianca, our 3 year old, dealt with this. First of all, when eating raw food you’re going to naturally eat far more less than a person who’s eating cooked food. I don’t have a scientific explanation for that, although I could imagine a few right now, but it was just a fact. When I was doing my research on raw food diet I thought it was something related to fasting, but it wasn’t. You simply eat a lot less than on a normal cooked diet. But the downside of this was that Bianca started to eat less too. She was imitating me. At this age they’re so flexible. She didn’t actually said anything but we did some tests and it was clear that she was imitating my eating behavior. Well, while I’m free to do whatever experiments I want with my life, I don’t feel entitled to do the same with my daughter’s life. So, I switched back to cooked and that instantly changed her eating habits too. Now she’s eating what a normal 3 year old will do. Smoother family life, like I told you.

Another positive consequence is that I created some perspective. I was able to close a chapter and identify all the lessons. And it was quite a lot of learning involved:

Habit creation

I learned tremendously about habit creation. When you keep a habit for more than 9 months you learn a lot. I already wrote about that in a post called How To Create A Habit in 15 Days and I will probably write more on this topic. There is so much to be analyzed and shared in this area, from the initial phases of a habit, the relapse, the get back or the long term shot.

Body Functioning

I don’t know if I would have the chance to learn so much about how my body is functioning if it wasn’t this 9 months raw food diet period in my life. I’m not a biologist, not do I claim to be one, but I was able to observe my body reactions and overall functioning and got some fantastic conclusions. Not only weight loss (I even made a chart with that) but sleeping patterns, intellectual and physical endurance and so on. It was really enlightening.

Setting Limits

Another fantastic lessons was about setting and crossing limits. I realized I had a lot of limiting beliefs and this period of my life served me really well. I learned that everything you want it can be achieved. Everything. I don’t really think there’s something I couldn’t do right now. Really.

Purity

Another lesson was on purity. During my raw food diet I realized we’re having a very deep, fragile and pure layer. We’re not always able to reach to it, but somehow this way of eating made it easier for me to be there for a while. I’m sure there are other ways to get there, like meditation or other methods, I’m just saying that I was able to peek a little bit there and I was charmed by what I saw and felt.

Negative Consequences

One of the most annoying consequences of getting back to cooked food was my weight. I am actually back when I was one year ago: 92-93 kilos. I gained those extra kilos during the last 3 months, only by eating cooked food. But there is something that makes me feel a little bit better about that: although I have the same number of kilos as I had one year ago I feel much better and healthy than one year ago. I guess the effects of the raw food diet will last several years. And since I’m feeling much better than before, there is also some planning for an extended exercising experiment, but will see about that.

Another negative consequence is that I lost all that clarity I had during raw food diet. I’m not confused, but it seems like some things are slowly fading out of my sight. It’s like I’m losing some parts of the picture. There is also this feeling of less color and contrast. I think I have to live with it now.

Ant yet another negative consequence is that I need slightly more sleep and food than before. It’s manageable but it’s a fact, I sleep at least 2 hours more and I eat almost double than what I used to when I was raw. Another thing I have to get used to, I suppose.

***

Keeping this raw food diet was one of the best things I’ve done so far in my entire life. I learned tremendously. I’m sure I will do raw food sessions again for 3-4 months each. In my experience this is the interval in which you attract most of the benefits of this type of diet.

If we all lived in a raw food world, I think it was normal to get on with that. But we don’t.