Self Imposed Limits and How To Overcome Them

This is a guest post by Srinivas Rao, @skooloflife.

Everything that you know how to do today and you do effortlessly is something that you once didn’t know how to do. You weren’t born knowing how to walk, talk, or speak. You learned all of those things and the notion of limitations probably never existed when you were a kid. There was a point in my life where I thought I“d wake up one day and have super powers , like Superman.

As we get older however, our imagination seems to stop running riot and we start getting “realistic” about what we are capable of. As a result, we create self-imposed limitations and our full potential gets lost. Let’s look at a couple examples of how we create limitations in our lives.

Bigger Waves: When I started surfing, I remember telling a friend “yeah, I’ll never need waves more than 2-4 ft and that’s probably going to be my limit.” That limit keeps getting bigger. The first time I ever rode a bigger wave I came to the realization that I had become too attached to my success. But in that moment I also overcame the limitation of 2-4 ft. It was simply a matter of going for it and taking a risk. Every risk you take provides an opportunity to propel past your self imposed limitation. Will you always make it? NO. But, if you do, then you’ve moved to your next level. I’m never going to be a big wave rider (maybe my own self imposed limitation or wish for prolonged life). But, check out the video of this guy below who has more or less exemplified the idea of overcoming self imposed limits.

Musical Instruments: The first time you look at a piece of music that is really difficult, you might have the holy SH#$# reaction. That’s pretty normal if you ask me. But after going through it, one measure at a time, practicing every single day, the piece of music that you couldn’t play is something you are now doing almost effortlessly. You created the limitation when you started and you overcame it just through practice.

Out of My League: Dating is another place where I think we create a ton of self imposed limitations. It’s not uncommon for somebody to find a person of the opposite sex extremely attractive and then say “But, yeah I could never get that chick or dude.” Then we make a list of excuses for why this is not possible. “I don’t have enough money, I’m not good looking enough, blah, blah” and a whole bunch of bullshi#$# that you have told yourself over and over. Notice how you have created all of this.

Blogging: Annabel Candy at Get in the Hot Spot recently wrote an amazing post on success. One of the things she talked about was the amount of readers that she wanted subscribed to her blog. She decided to up the goal from 10,000 to 15,000. In all honesty, whether she reaches either goal doesn’t matter. Let’s say she gets to the 8000 readers, then she’s still a success. But think about where she set the bar. She set the bar really high. I set out with a goal of 1000 readers by April. I don’t have it, but maybe it’ because this was my self imposed limitation. Maybe I should have aimed higher. Maybe my focus should be 10,000 readers and I should work towards that and 1000 should just be a milestone in the bigger picture. In fact maybe that’s all overcoming a limitation is, a milestone on the path to your goal.

Overcoming your Limitation

Set a Higher Bar: If you are the one creating the limitation then maybe it’s as simple as setting a higher bar. Maybe the bar should be whatever your personal 6-8 foot wave is. Maybe the bar should be 10,000 dollars instead of 5000 dollars. The thing with setting the bar higher is you will come closer to what the goal you set even if you don’t necessarily accomplish your exact goal.

Mind Your Language: It’s no secret in the world of self help and personal development that the way we use language plays an integral role in our ability to accomplish things. When you use words like “I could never” or “impossible” you are using your language to create a limitation. Just remember everything that is possible today was once seen as “impossible.”

Examples of Possibility: Examples of what’s possible are everywhere and usually one example of possibility will set the wheels in motion. The best example of this that is cited throughout history seems to be Roger Banister’s 4 minute mile. Right after he did it, tons of other people did too. My favorite example from the world of blogging is Henri Junttila who grew his blog to over 1000 readers in 100 days. That was a paradigm shift and a model for what’s possible. For all you know somebody might grow to 1000 readers in 60 days next and that will give us the new model for what’s possible. Finding examples of possibility will actually help to shift your perception of what you can actually accomplish.

What limitations have you self imposed? Which ones have you overcome? How did you overcome them?

Srinivas Rao is a blogger and avid surfer, and writes at The Skool of Life, where he obsesses about riding waves. He is also the host and co-founder of the BlogcastFM, a podcast for Bloggers.

Finding Reasons To Agree

What’s your reaction when somebody is telling something you don’t like? Is it unconditionally “Yes”? Is it unconditionally “No”? It’s something in between? Do you usually find reasons to agree or to disagree? I ask because finding reasons to agree seems to be one of the most difficult mindsets these days.

We seem to be programmed to challenge, to fight, to counterattack. We seem to be conditioned to loudly mark our point of vue, most of the time by openly disagreeing with the other part, like this would be the only way our personality could survive. There is a whole mindset in favor of disagreeing. Every time somebody is trying to say something, we seem to first find reasons to reject what the other just said, and only if we haven’t find any, then we agree.

That’s weird. That’s a mindset of fear. A mindset of rejection. A defensive strategy. Defensive against what? Are we really acting like every other person is our enemy (or, if you prefer business terms, competition)? Have you ever thought how time consuming is this strategy? How much energy you spend only to identify reasons to disagree?

Growing versus Resistance

If you have a mindset of disagreeing you’re resisting, you’re not growing. If you analyze constantly what other are saying, trying to find breches for your own ideas, trying to find their mistakes, trying to find their negligences, you’re acting against your nature. You’re not here to reject others. Even if you’re going to succeed, the result will be pretty sad: you’ll end up alone.

On the other hand, finding reasons to agree gives you room to grow. Even if overall you’re not totally agreeing with the other guy, the simple shift in attitude towards agreement will give you something back. Will give you a new perspective, will make you understand more. It’s not about what makes you unique, about your originality and ideas, you’ll always have that, no need to make your personality visible by contrasting with other people – it’s about your attitude. An attitude of acceptance rather than rejection.

I am pretty sure that plants, water and sun have a lot of reasons to agree. They seems to go along pretty well. I don’t see how a plant could disagree with the water, because is different from it, and accept it only if it passes some kind of test. I also don’t see how the sunlight could disagree with the plants and not offering them what they need in order to grow. The agreement here is total. And constant. Those nature parts are having an attitude of agreement. Sometimes they’re rejecting each other, when the size is too big for instance (too much sun or too much water are not good for the plants). But initially, they’re having an unconditional agreement.

Agreement versus Obeisance

Finding reasons to agree doesn’t mean you’re blindly accepting everything others are saying. It’s not like you’re going to take everything for granted. Finding reasons to agree means first assessing what the other part is saying or doing. Means trying to understand what the other is talking about, what are the reasons behind his talk. Finding reasons to agree means accepting the other guy reality.

Obeisance, on the other hand, means walking in the other shoes without any assessment whatsoever. Obeisance means listening without understanding. It’s like obeying a direct order. Which is something necessary if you’re in a war and you’re a soldier. But you’re not in a war, and you’re not a soldier. Most of the time.

What’s The Catch?

Finding reasons to agree as opposed to finding reasons to disagree is a very thin but important line in one’s behavior. I’ve been on both realms many times. I’ve been a bully entrepreneur, ready to fight for my “ideas”, or products, or services. I had this mindset of “let’s try to find a mistake here”. I looked at people waiting for their first wrong move. And it doesn’t felt good.

I mean, you can have results if you’re behaving like this. I know I had. And many successful entrepreneurs are very aggressive and intimidating. They’re relying on the other guy wrong move. They’re acting with the mindset of “finding reasons to disagree”. The only downside of this attitude, at least for me, was the incredible weariness I had to face after a full day of work. It was like I was pushing a 100 wagons train by myself. I was literally drained.

When you act like this, you’re cutting your energy refilling sources. If you’re finding reasons to disagree, you’re telling the Universe he’s wrong. And the Universe respond back as you intended: wrong. You’re alone and your connection with others is burned. That’s the catch.

Finding reasons to agree works in a very different way. When I first started to apply this mindset I noticed that my day was less energy consuming than usual. I started to pay attention to the other guy reasons, I tried to visualize things the way he did it and started to find reasons to agree. Not always the final result was an agreement, there were situation in which we simply couldn’t align. We’re different people.

But it happened that we reached those conclusions in a much lighter and decent manner than before. By finding reasons to agree first, I built a connection. Some energy field was opened. And I started to function better. And so did the other guy. By openly accepting the difference between us, we created a common vibration. And that made the energy exchange way smoother.

And. to be honest, this mindset shift opened the door to a lot of new stuff. Until a certain point, I applied it only in my relationships. I was finding reasons to agree only if I was in an interaction. But then I gradually started to apply this in other areas as well.

I started to find reasons to agree with myself. I started to find reasons to agree with specific events. I started to find reasons to agree with concepts or situations.

That’s the real catch. Finding reasons to agree with your life is so much better than finding reasons to beat yourself up.

The Spiral Path

Ever had the impression of going in circles? Ever felt like you’ve been there before and now you’re heading towards the same destination? Ever experienced deja-vu sensations? Memories form the past which are surprisingly real? I certainly did.

Up until recently I faced those situations with frustration. Every time I was on a familiar life situation, a place where I’ve been before in almost identical circumstances, I was somehow sad. What am I doing here? Why I have to go through this again? Why can’t I just skip this part and move on? There were some life situations in my past in which I simply got bored, that’s how often I was stuck there.

Over And Over Again

It took some time and a lot of circling to understand that going around and around is something normal. Is not the expected behavior from you, but it’s normal. Going in circles means you have to face the same problem over and over again until you learn how to manage it. It’s like a riddle: if you don’t know the answer now, you can move on, but somehow, sometimes, your path will bring you back again to that riddle until you find the answer. And that answer will unlock your door to the next level.

As surprisingly as it may seem, you chose your riddles. You chose which life situations to confront and what you should do in order to solve them. But you forgot that. Or, to be more precise, you pushed those decisions back into your subconscious mind, in order to avoid… hurt. Yes, you are unconsciously hiding those challenges from your conscious mind, because your reflex answer will be to run away, to avoid, to escape. Most likely, you’ve been so hurt in the past and now you try to escape that trap.

Going in circles is not bad or good in itself. You can safely go in circles for your entire life. As a matter of fact, most of the people are going in circles for their entire life. They establish some patterns and then they remain stuck in them until they die. They go to a job, they pretend they’re loving their husbands and wives, they pretend they’re caring for their kids and then they’re starting over again.

Nothing spectacular happens if you go in circles. You can stay there for the rest of your life, avoiding the hurt and facing the same life situations until you die. One of my buddhist friends will interfere at this point and would say: “Well, the problem is that dying is not the solution. You’re not solving much by dying, because you’ll soon have to start fresh again. And you’ll take it from where you left.”

I’m not a buddhist but I do agree with that perspective.

Breaking The Circle

I really don’t know why I chose all the challenges in my life. Some challenges seems normal, like being financially independent, having a family or keeping a fulfilling social life, while others are strange, like learning so many different things, from astrology to business or productivity . But what I do know, is that I really have to solve my challenges. There’s no other way around.

Some challenges get solved with passion, some are solved by boredom, while others are solved by so called external-circumstances (according to the law of attraction there are no external circumstances, though). Somehow, they get solved.

I remember I was attracted by esoteric disciplines long ago, when I was young. At that time it was just curiosity and entertainment. But as I grew older, I started to meet those esoteric disciplines more and more in my environment. At some point, I decided it’s time to really study it, so I studied astrology for almost 2 years.

The same was with business. When I was younger, I always had this dream of being financially independent and running my own business. For several years I only dreamed about it while going to a job I didn’t like, but I was confronted with so many entrepreneurship situations that I couldn’t resist and started my own business.

Those two challenges were solved by passion, but there are other which are solved by boredom. One of them would be: keeping a healthy life. I always loved to exercise and when I was a teenager I played professional basket-ball. But as I grew older, I slowly started to gain weight and stopped exercising because I was too busy… I remember there were times in which I associated my extra weight with being successful. That was strange. So, at some point, I become so bored to look in the mirror at a person who wasn’t me, that I started to exercise almost every day and even started a raw food diet for more than 7 months.

Did I tried to avoid any of those challenges? Hell, yes!  I did all I could to avoid them but all I did was in fact circling around and coming back until I decided it’s time for an upfront confrontation. Are those the only challenges in my life? Hell, no! In fact, the unsolved challenges in my life are far more complicated and itchy than keeping a healthy lifestyle or running a business.

Now I know that every time I’m facing a familiar life situation I have to go through it. I have to confront it until it gets solved. In theory that sounds nice, but in practice is not always as simple as it seems. The bottom line is that every challenge must be solved…

But what happens after? What happens with the challenges after I solve them? Are they disappearing? All those problems are simply flying away after you clear them? You run out of riddles? Well… nope. You get to the next level.

Going In A Spiral

When you break the circle you’re actually going to the next level. You go out of your old world, you climb to a new understanding of life, leaving behind what used to be familiar and safe. You start to explore a fresh world.

But what puzzled me the most, was that in this new world, you’ll face those challenges again. All those riddles you solved are going to appear again, but this time in a totally different light. It’s like going up on a spiral, and then, when you’re exactly on top of the old breaking point, you start seeing that thing again. You’re looking at the old you with a new perspective. You see yourself  from above.

I had so many life changing moments when I reached a genuine breaking point and realized I’m sitting on top of a challenge I solved. I looked at myself and realized I did well. I almost congratulated myself: Dragos, you did a great job, now I can see. But while I was staying on top of that solved riddle, another magical thing started to happen. The riddle started to get new meanings. It was suddenly bigger. It wasn’t mysterious, nor threatening or boring, just bigger. I suddenly had another perspective and realized I have to continue to go on that path.

10 years ago I started my own business. Last year, I felt the need to break free from it and sold it. That was a breaking point: I solved something of the business riddle. Now, after almost a year from selling, I’m starting to meet a business context again. I’m on top of that breaking point. I’m actually looking at myself during all those years and understand what I’ve done and why. I’m on the next level. It seems like doing business is one of the key points of my life, so it keeps coming up, but in different shapes and sizes.

Every breaking point is an arrow which is shaping your spiral. Every breaking point in your circle is a key point in the wireframe of your path. Those are indicators by which you are creating your own Universe. Solving the initial riddle is only the beginning. As you create your own spiral, as you go over and over the breaking points in your life you realize you have so many new things to learn and to experience.

There’s really no end to what you can create in your life.