7 Things I Learned From My 5 Year Old Girl

A few weeks ago it was Bianca’s 5th birthday. As always, each year I write a post about what I learned from her during the last year. If you want to read the previous posts, here they are, in order for one, two, three and four year anniversaries.

1. Diplomacy Is Easy

Last year Bianca’s mother and I parted ways. For me it was an incredibly relieving and lightening event and I’m increasingly happy with this new context of my life. But for Bianca there were a few difficult situations. Although I do my best to keep a normal communication flow with her mother, glitches are occurring every now and then. I can’t control those glitches (being only one part of the discussion). The only thing I can do is to manage them. But at some point I realized something absolutely incredible: Bianca was actually helping me around. In a “childish” and selfless way, of course. Every time I had one of those glitches, she was doing her best to smooth things out. Again, I don’t think it was a conscious plan. I think she is just learning how to handle both me and her mother in this new context. And she’s doing this with a fantastic sense of diplomacy. I literally learned from her when and how to talk and when and why to shut up in a variety of situations. And I’m still learning this.

2. If You Don’t Know, Ask Around

Last year was the year of “why?” questions. I already told you that she is a diplomate. But that only means she is picking the right time to ask his gazillion questions she had to ask, not that she is not asking at all. I had to answer, as usual, the weirdest questions you can imagine, but that only made me realize how powerful this option is. When you don’t know something, just go around and ask. Don’t guess. Don’t imagine. Say out loud what you don’t know or what you don’t understand, or what you think is wrong. Chances are that your questions will be answered sooner than you think.

3. Being Happy Doesn’t Need A Reason

Bianca is happy about everything. Of course, there are contexts which are not pleasant for her, as for anybody else. For instance, every time we split after the time we spend together, she is sad. But after she finished with this separation sadness, she’s happy again. She expressed what she had to express (and I never try to refrain her from doing that) and then she returns to her natural state. Which is being happy just about everything. Too often we forget that. Too often we prefer to cling on our own sadness, or anger or frustration long after the cause of whatever bad feelings we had disappeared. And in this process we create tons and tons of reasons for hating our life. And we forget that we don’t need reasons for being happy. Happiness is an unreasonable state of our being. It’s also the fundamental state of our being.

4. Adaptation Is Evolution

In the separation process Bianca had to deal with a lot of changes. She moved away from her house, she changed school and she had to cope with a lot of new persons from her mother new or old circle of friends. But she coped with this incredibly well. Sometimes I think she has some magic powers that she summons every time she needs to overcome something in front of her. But then I realize we all have these powers, we all have this incredible ability to adjust and adapt, we just have to find it and let it manifest. After I identified this ability in Bianca I soon realized that I had this too. And so the processes of reverting back to parts of my old life I lost in the last 5 years or reinventing parts of my new life started to unfold much faster than before. I hardly remember how I lived just a few months ago. And when I do, I hardly recognize the reasons for living the way I used to.

5. Thirst For Learning

During last year she started to learn how to write and read. And she’s doing it like all the time. This isn’t like she has some time for doing her homework and then going back to “play”. She is learning every single second and her curiosity never stops. Somehow, she finds a way to enjoy and mentally devour every single piece of new information that enters her horizon. She learns lyrics from radio tunes. She plays small dialogues. She tells stories about her friends at school. Every single second she learns. And whenever I’m with her I refill my curiosity too. As adults, we lost this. We think we know everything. We weakened our curiosity muscle and let boredom conquer everything we have inside.

6. Test Newcomers

Bianca is never engaging into direct interactions. The first few seconds are for testing. Yes, this is against social norms. When somebody is saying “hello” to you, the norm is stating that you should instantly reply with a “hello” too. Well, Bianca doesn’t really give a damn about this norm. And I’m so happy that she doesn’t. She only engages in new interactions (if she engages at all) after at least 20-30 seconds of attentive research. This initial period of testing is so important for any new encounter we have. We give in to social games and we move forward based on dry convention and not on our own feelings about the other person. Sometimes I think my life would have been completely different if only I would take the time to test all the newcomers in my life, just as Bianca does.

7. The Will To Win

Lately, we started to play games together more and more. She really wants to win. As I am more of a “just playing the game is good enough” type of guy, her attitude is a very good reminder to pursue the winning game. Yes, the journey is the destination, but winning every once in a while, focusing on the victory, well, that’s something that pushes us forward. And Bianca really a has a lot of this. Every time after I finish a game in which she won, I carefully study her joy. And, little by little, I start to incorporate this desire to win too. Yes, being in the game is what counts.

But boy, that victory feels so good, isn’t it?

27 Ways You Can Develop Bounce Back Muscles In Difficult Times

This is a guest post by my friend Tess Marshall, @theboldlife.

Loss, suffering and tragedy are painful, unavoidable experiences, and part of the human condition. We can’t prevent them, but we can approach life’s biggest challenges with openness and optimism.

Prior to a personal tragedy, we may not know who we are, what we feel, or what we want. After a personal tragedy, our divorce, addiction or bankruptcy can become our greatest gift.

When life falls apart we can stay stuck and miserable or piece our lives back together and discover a clear sense of purpose or a new passion for life.

The following methods will help you develop resiliency. When practiced, you can discover strengths and abilities you didn’t believe possible.

1. Take Risks. Dedicate yourself to being the best. Say yes. Go for new experiences. Show up and be seen. The more risks you take the more success you’ll experience and celebrate.

2. Plan Ahead. Envision a bright outlook for your future. Be enthusiastic about life. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Nothing great could be accomplished without enthusiasm.” Throw yourself enthusiastically and wholeheartedly into what you need to do.

3.  Become 100% Responsible. You may not be responsible for what happens to you yet, you are responsible for how you handle it. Make good choices and remain flexible and open to change. Decide you’re going to make it to the top, no matter what it takes. Go where the opportunity is.

4. Read Books. Read biographies about people who are doing what you want to do and understand what helped them get to where they are now. This information becomes a map for your journey.

5. Take Control. Spend time and energy taking care of things you’ve neglected. Spend time with your children or parents. Clean your garage and get organized. You will feel better mentally and emotionally.

6. Gather Data. Learn from your situation. Why didn’t I get the job? Why did the accident happen? How has this changed me? Ask for feedback. What do I want to do next? Discover what you can do different next time.

7. Keep An Inner Glow. Nurture yourself. Eat right, exercise, drink water and get enough sleep. The perception we have about ourselves is so much smaller than who we really are. Taking care of yourself allows you to be prepared and ready for new opportunities.

8. Brainstorm Solutions. Step back and analyze the situation. Think of new ways to tackle problems. Be open to new ideas. Confident and strong you will move forward.

9. Increase Your Creativity. Develop a hunger for new things. Take different routes, enjoy unique foods, listen to unusual music, and learn a new language. Stop reading self- help blogs and read about photography or art. Break out of your routine and old way of doing things.

10. Laugh. Bring a playful attitude and humor to your life. Visit a comedy club and rent funny DVDs. Play your part with gusto, creativeness, passion and juice.

11. Cultivate Appreciation and Gratitude. Lift yourself out of a dark mood. Acknowledge the wonder and beauty in your life. Appreciate the goodness of others and the world and trust that things will work out.

12. Believe In Yourself. It is critical for your success. Accept who you are today. See yourself in a positive light. Never give in to someone else’s interpretation, advice or experience, unless they are where you want to be. If they have accomplished it, they can show you how, but you must do your own work.

13. Take A Break. Do nothing. Remove yourself physically and mentally from your situation. Go to a movie, visit out of town friends, attend a sporting event or rock concert. Time away creates space for a new perceptions and new solutions.

14. Hold A Vision. What do you want for your future? Keep moving forward.  Build the future you desire to experience. Keep your focus on the finish line.

15. Take Action. Don’t sit back waiting for opportunities. Be aggressive in pursuit of your goals. Kick yourself out of your comfort zone. Work like you have to make it.

16. Get On The Pity Pot. Just don’t set up camp on it. After losing his freedom to move, Christopher Reeve gave himself two hours on the pity pot each morning. During that time, he cried, felt sorry for himself and wallowed in his pain. Then, he continued his day juggling his physical therapy, directing careers, political activism, building his foundation and his role as a husband and father.

17. Experience Positive Emotions. Break out of negative thinking patterns. Find little things to enjoy in the daily tasks of life. Be kind and loving Healthy emotions will motivate you to learn new things and build new connections.

18. Discover Meaning. Everything that happens offers you an opportunity to grow. Ask yourself, “What do I need to learn from this situation to change or transform my life?” It’s possible to walk away with wisdom, insight and compassion.

19. Remain Calm Under Pressure. Learn how to manage strong feelings and impulses. Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If” speaks of resiliency: If you can keep your head about you, when all are losing theirs…

20. Optimize Your Health And Energy. Eat right, drink plenty of water, exercise regularly, and spend time in nature. Meditate, journal and learn to relax. Spend time volunteering. When you help others feel good you feel good.

21. Learn To Problem Solve. Tap into your personal strengths, coping skills, resources, social networks and close connections. Self-disclose your troubles, to people close to you and ask for their insights and guidance.

22. Go With The Flow. It’s impossible to be in the zone by clutching, grabbing, and white knuckling your desires. Release urgency. Let go. Decide life is good. Watch it unfold.

23. Attend A Support Group. The path to resilience lies in working through your grief, sadness and the effects of stressful and painful events. Dealing with issues and dropping your story is crucial for your mental health. Support groups offer information, mutual support and practical suggestions.

24. Experience Serendipity. In tough times, we have the option of choosing fear, addiction and despair or hope, meaning and joy. Seeing “The glass half full” allows you to discover a talent for serendipity, the act of finding something valuable or delightful when you aren’t looking for it.

25. Build Your Community. Stay connected with family and close friends. Surround yourself with people you can’t get enough of, those who will listen and be there for you.

26. Have A Positive Outlook. Live. Laugh. Face the world boldly. Seize every second of life. If you believe things will work out there’s a greater chance that they will.

27. Listen To Steve Jobs, “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”

Author Bio: Tess Marshall is the mover and shaker, at  www.TheBoldLife.com, where she’ll hold you accountable for being the boldest you’ve ever been in every area of your life! What would you do if you were 10 times bolder? You can sign up for her RSS feed and receive her updates or follow her on Twitter.

Depression – How To Un-Handle It

That’s a delicate topic, I admit. Depression is one of the most delicate topics in the world, because it involves sharing the deepest parts of your being. And because it brings to the light feelings of shame, guilt and sadness. I never met any human being who was comfortable to those feelings…

For me, depression, despite its medical definition, is more of a state of rejection, of meaningless time and a lack of value. A state of withdrawal and surrender, a state of worthless actions and a wish to put an end to everything. Depression is just an enormous hole filled with lack of self-esteem and respect, lack of trust in you and anything. I’m not a doctor, and even if I do like to manage multiple skills I don’t intend to become a regular one, so take these definitions as my own personal view of depression and not as a medical approach.

Because I don’t put depression on the doctor’s plate, by the way. I take depression as a sign of imbalance in your whole being. It is not an illness, it is just the fact that some parts of yourslef are in need to take a break. To let go of the pressure. Maybe you asked to much. Maybe somebody else asked too much of you. Maybe you feel anger because you can’t get what you want, or because you had it once and now you lost it. Maybe you just need to rest for a while and your environment can’t let you do that. Whatever the form, the substance is the same: repressed, fermented emotions that are exploding inside and are looking for a way out.

Avoiding The Inevitable

Letting it out is the best thing you can do. Just be aware of the danger that this flow of emotions could take with it, though: it’s like a river that can take your house if you’re not paying attention. But you can’t stop it. That’s the biggest and most hurting mistake I’ve made. You can’t resist it and you can’t escape it. You must let it go, otherwise it will eventually overflow you by accumulation. (more…)

Happy birthday, Diana!

Today is my wife’s birthday. We’re both Scorpio so our birthdays are really close. I write this without really planning – one of the things Diana taught me being to enjoy life without too much planning. But that’s not the only thing that she taught me. There are plenty of other things she taught me and for which I am grateful. I am grateful to Diana because

• she takes me for who I am
• she gave me the beautiful gift in the world: our daughter
• she is beautiful
• she is sometimes moody
• she understands when I’m sometimes moody
• she has green eyes
• she is the most playful person I ever met
• she thinks in unusual ways, although so similar to my ways
• she is somebody I can trust
• she is telling the truth
• she makes me telling the truth
• she smiles more than any other person I know
• she knows how to make – and keep – new friends
• she know how to accept my failures and acknowledge my successes
• she taught me traveling is the most interesting way to enjoy life
• she never worries, except when she does
• she is a free person
• she made me a free person
• she have unusual subtle intuitions
• she made me trust my intuition
• she made thousands of little beautiful things that I don’t remember now – the same way you don’t really remember putting together every brick of your new home, but you’re always surrounded by those bricks, which of course, are your new home now

For all those little beautiful things I am grateful to Diana. But I don’t love her because of that. I just love her.

It’s Not About Them, It’s About You

One of the most important parts of our lives is social interaction. Is the way we act and, most of the time, react to other people. And, from my personal experience, is the part which can create most of our bitterness and sadness, which can carve the deepest guilts and seeds the most ferocious fears in our life. And why is that? Because most of the time it’s about them. The others. Peoples who hurts us, who makes us suffer, who break our hearts and our wings.

Well, guess what? It’s not about them, it’s about you.

In this post I’ll share my personal experiences about social interactions. I’ll also try to synthesize some simple ways in which you can try to avoid all the negative manifestations that relationships can create.

The lesson

The first, the most important, and, to be honest, the only lesson I’ve learned from social interaction is: it’s not about them, it’s about you. It took me a lot of time to learn this and also some paynful experiences. I’ve been through a lot of denial and defensive attitudes, I’ve cast tons of guilt to other persons in my life and tried to escape all the abusive situations in which i’ve been put. But in the end, I learned that this is the only healthy way to deal with others. Understanding that you are the person responsible for everything is happenng to you it’s the cornerstone of a fulfilling social life.

Because you actually have the power to attract, maintain and seed all the positive interactions you need. But the reverse of this meddal is that you also have the power to attract all the negative, consuming or humiliating relationships into your life. Although is hard to accept that, this is the truth. You may think that you’re not responsible for the stinky job you have, for the broken marriage or for the complete emptiness of your life, but it’s true.

The only person who can live your life is yourself. Nobody else, just you. Blaming others for your current situation puts you in a surrendering situation. It actually takes your life out of your hands and put it in their hands. Making them responsible for your life actually empowers them. It’s like going to a person you don’t like and saying:

Please, make me miserable! I’m so bored and irresponsible that I need somebody to blame for that! Would you be my blaming mate? I’ll even call you my husband, my wife, my girlfriend, my parent or my kid? How about that? We can have a deal on that one? Coz I really, really need a blaming mate and I think you’d be perfect for that: you want to control everything, you’re insecure, dominating, my god, you got them all? So, can we get married now?

Although you smiled reading this, you did exactly that at least once in your life. We all did it. We put the blame for our broken marriage on our parents shoulders, on our so-called friends, on the dentist with whom she ran, on the stripper whit whom he quit, on her, on him, on the other guy, on everybody. On everybody except us. Why? Because it’s simpler. It’s easier and relieves the pain for the moment. We feel better, get over it for now, and try to have a life. Until next time, when we do exactly the same mistake, and blame exactly the same person.

You may ask now: but what’s the mistake? My situation was so special, I had a bad childhood, I grew up in a poor family, I had an abusive parent, I had a difficult time in school… In fact, although they seem different, all the situations comes to only one: the choice. You have the power to make a choice. And, despite your expectations, this is the easiest choice you can make: you can chose to react to the person, or you can chose to act. You can chose to stay happy when somebody is hurting you, or you can chose to be sad. You can chose to feel humiliation or you can choose to manifest power. You can control everything. You have the power to create whatever response you want in your interactions. Of course, you won’t be able to do this instantly. Or if you are able, I bet you stoped reading this post from the first paragraph, because you’re already past this, and you learned the most important, valuable, and, to be honest, the only lesson about relationships: it’s not about them, it’s about you.

But if you are still reading, that means you can use some advice. Let’s see how we can stop the process of reaction and start acting, moving the power flow towards us and harmonizing our social life.

(more…)

Keep your soul in good shape: managing your psychological calories

You know the story of the 3 mice groups? I guess not. It’s a very interesting one and I thought it would be a very good start point for this post… So, without further ado: a group of researches in psychological behavior took 3 identical groups of mice, and put them in 3 separate cages, with no visual or auditive contact between one another. Each time the mice were fed, the researchers did the same protocol:

1. cage number one: the mice were caressed, talked in a low, gentle voice
2. cage number two: the mice were physically challenged and talked in an aggressive, harsh voice
3. cage number three: the mice were just fed, no interaction

After a while, they conducted some tests and evaluated the 3 groups based on a number of criteria. The results showed 2 very advanced groups (in terms of psychological developments) and one group significantly left behind. What was that group? I bet you would answer: the second group, of course, they were shouting at them, they had a very aggressive behavior, that must be!

Well, surprise: the problem group was the third one. The mice that weren’t talked at all, that were just fed with no interaction at all. Surprising, huh?

Based on these results the researchers come out with an interesting concept: psychological calories. Each time you interact with someone you are receiving some calories. You take the energy of the person you are interacting with and use it in some way. The better the interaction, the better the form resulted by its usage.

And, of course, there is a fundamental quality of these calories: they can be even positive, or negative. If you have a happy encounter, you will be receiving positive calories. If you are dealing with aggressive people, you are receiving negative calories.

During your entire life you are exchanging psychological calories. Like in a physical feeding process for your body you are developing eating habits for your psychological calories. You can get the habit of eating violence, and you will eat more and more of it, or you can get the habit of eating happiness, and then getting more and more of it.

One thing to remember about your soul calories is that the negative or positive value has nothing to do with your soul needs. You can go out with negative calories as well – the second group of mice did it, right? – but the choice you’ll make will have a direct effect on your well being. You can be an energetic person, always ready to fight, and still be ok. You will be consuming mainly negative calories, and your soul will be imbalanced. Imagine a sumo fighter on the street, and you’ll have a good image of what your soul is looking like on a negative psychological calories diet. But that was your choice.

The shape of your soul is dictated by the psychological calories you are feeding it with. If you are keeping a healthy diet for your soul, you’ll have a wonderful, shining life, if you are keeping an unbalanced diet, you will be suffering from all the over-caloric illnesses your body can have: anger, sadness, pessimism (read: heart attacks, obesity or blood tensions problems).

And remember you are getting those calories out of an event that you can control: your interactions. Have you ever thought what calories you are receiving upon each interaction you have? If you just felt anger after meeting with your boss, then you are getting negative calories, if you are feeling happy after talking with your kids, you are getting positive calories.

Managing your psychological calories is more like a soul diet: you are only feeding with things that are good for you. You are choosing the people you are interacting with, and the situations in which you involve, based on your soul taste. It’s like consulting a giant soul food menu: if I chose this guy, it will cost me half an hour of my life, and I’ll get mainly positive calories. Or, if you are getting with this guy, it will cost you three hours, and you will mainly get negative calories.

Getting the habit of controlling your soul calories is not as difficult as a regular diet. Because most of the time you will actually enjoy hanging out with people that are your positive calories source. As opposed with a body diet, where things you have to eat are presumably either bad tasting, either boring.

And the best thing of this model is that, surprisingly enough, your positive soul calories won’t make your soul fat. Actually, the more positive calories you get, the more happiness and well being you’ll give back to the people you are interacting with.

Did you get a positive or a negative calorie out of this post?

Training yourself for happiness

For me, happiness is one of the most mysterious yet over-hyped word in this universe. Everybody talks about happiness. It’s everywhere: in music, in movies, in art or in spiritual techniques. Some of us are taking it for granted, some of us are making a job from talking about it, and some of us are making a living keeping the world as far as possible from it… It’s so present that we’ve almost forgot about it. But this constant presence hides the most wanted mystery of our existence: what is in fact, happiness?

Relax and don’t run away: I’m not going to explain you what happiness is. I truly and honestly don’t know how to explain this or even how to get closer to it. But what I can do is to share some of my ideas, experiences and insights about this process that you may find useful. Or ridiculous, maybe . Either way, it could worth a reading.

The first major obstacle in front of experiencing happiness is in fact its own celebrity as a word. Everybody seems to know, as I already told you, everything about happiness. A simple google search for the word “happiness” reveals more than 70.000.000 millions of entries. Seventy millions! Googling is not an option for this, let’s be fair…

So, one possible way to get close to this is to turn away from the word and get back to yourself. Get some space from the official definition and in turn start to analyze yourself. Try to ask simple questions, like “what could make me happy right now?”. Or “how can I define happiness in this exact moment?”. Keeping track of those situations is a great exercise. Not only it would strengthen your discipline, but it will reveal, in 99% of the cases, a definition of the happiness that you never dreamed of.

Because my guess is that happiness is a different thing for each person. And even for every moment of each person’s life. RIght now a glass of water would make you happy, but ten minutes after you would rather go for a salary raise. A family, a house and a career would also be great, but tomorrow you’ll want to climb Everest. Being a priest would truly fulfill you, but then traveling the world would seem even more interesting. 

The main idea is that happiness, or the definition of it, is more of a personal choice than a general concept. It’s what you think it’s happiness.

But even after exercising this question and answer long enough, and circumventing your own definition of happiness, you will notice that it is not all the time as consistent as it might be. It’s like a fluctuant radio wave: sometime it’s with a higher amplitude, and sometime with a lower one, even if most of the time it has the right frequency for you. There are moments, contexts, situations in which you are more likely to receive that radio wave, and situations in which the transmission is weakened. And with that conclusion we are getting to the theme of this article: training for receiving that radio wave.

Once you glimpsed at your own definition of happiness you will be tempted to make it as constant as you can. Once happy, you’ll always want to be happy, of course. But as surprising as it might be, you’ll realize that this is almost impossible. You can’t keep yourself in this state all the time. And once out of it, you won’t be able to find it again easily. It’s like is out of your control.

And, most of the time, it is. Because you are not trained for this. You are not prepared to be happy. You are not raised to be happy. You are in fact, raised to always talk or think or listen about happiness, but not to experience it. You don’t have the “happiness organ” developed enough.  You don’t have the “happiness receptors” in place for it. It’s like trying to listen a concert from 100 miles, or to see the details of a photo from 100 meters. Your infrastructure is not solid enough.

So what could you do, in this case? Yeap, you guessed: train yourself for it! Prepare for feeling it for longer periods of time, with higher intensities and with deeper sensations. Educate yourself for being happy. The sport analogy is very powerful here: if an athlete could train for the Olympics, and win the first place, why one couldn’t train for being happy and then keep it there for as long as he wants?

Start by analyzing your surroundings more carefully. See what specific context makes you happy, and then start making those contexts manifests more often in your life. It’s your job that makes you happy? Then keep doing your work! It’s family? Then let go the useless time you spend in other contexts and start spending more time with the family. What is around you is always an expression of yourself, so having a greater control of this, will make you in turn more in control.

Then make notes about it. Write it down. Put it in words. Keep a journal. Witnessing your own life is a perfect way to spot your weakness and greatness. But be completely honest. If you read the journal after several weeks or years, it will still “smell” you, not a different person. Write every idea you think it would make you happy. Any situation or context. Write it down, but don’t start by defining it by contrast with your unhappy situations. Just write about your own happiness as it would be your high-school homework for today. As in school, you will start to learn how to be happy. But you’ll learn from your own home-works, your own sentences…

And allow yourself to be wrong. Yes, that surprised you, I saw it. But mistakes are only lessons to be learned. If you do the same mistake over and over again, you are repeating a lesson until you learn it. The social conditioning made us very afraid of mistakes. The competition at work and the never-ending race for being “more then the others” have raised the standards to a ridiculous stake. Mistakes are more and more perceived like undoable actions that will mark your life forever. It’s not like this. Mistakes are most of the time the only way to go through an evolutionary process. As long as you treat them as lessons to be learned, not as frightening situations that could actually hurt you.

So, if you truly define your goals – in this case, your definition of happiness – if you start developing the “receptors” for that, and if you scan your surroundings, analyze your actions and allow yourself to make useful mistakes, you will be soon in a much better position to experience happiness. And doing this over and over again will also make you, as a performance athlete, more and more aware of your “happiness strength” and “your shortest paths” to the desired outcome. You will be learning what to do, in what context and for how many times, like a professional athlete, to put you in shape for happiness.

And once you learned how to do it, keep doing this. Being happy is not a situation, is a continuous process.