How to Deal With Rejection: 5 Fresh Ways to Look at Getting Rejected

This is a guest post from my friend Henri Junttila, @henrijunttila.

Learning how to deal with rejection is tough. Depending on how you get rejected and what for, it may hurt a lot or it may hurt a little. I’m a big believer in the fact that we create our own reality. Why do you react to some things, while I do not? It’s because of our personal experiences and our beliefs. Most of these beliefs can be changed if we want to, so you can remove the fear you have for getting rejected. You can increase your courage and you can remove the label of “not being good enough”, just to name a few examples.

Here are 5 fresh tips on how to deal with rejection:

1. Release Perfectionism

Why are we afraid of getting rejected? Is it because we have to seem like we’re perfect? Have we been taught to keep up a charade and not others see our weaknesses? For a long time, I battled with perfectionism and it led me to reject rejection. I was in my own imaginary world and refused to face reality. It wasn’t until I started letting go of being perfect that I started making fast progress. It’s okay to show people that you aren’t Zeus the Greek God. We all have vulnerabilities and we all make mistakes. If you show some of them to your audience or the people you hang out with, they will just be able to relate to you more.

2. It’s a Learning Opportunity

Getting rejected is one of the best learning opportunities, that is, if you pay attention and learn from the experience. If you get rejected and blame someone else, you’re probably not going to get much out of the interaction. If, however, you start thinking about what you could’ve done better, you’re on to something. If you can’t figure it out, ask the person or company that rejected you. If you sent in a guest post to a blogger, ask why it got rejected. Sometimes it’s just your writing that doesn’t fit, but sometimes it’s because your writing has flaws in it. Figuring out these flaws will only make you better. If the response is that your grammar sucks, at least you’ll know what to work on.

3. Be Aware of Your Programming

We’ve all been rejected when we grew up, so we’ve learned to think of rejection as something bad. If we walk up to a pretty girl (or man, if you’re a girl), we get scared because we might get rejected. But what if that girl wasn’t a good fit for you in the first place? What if she hadn’t rejected you and you would’ve gotten married, and lived a horrible life with lots of fighting. Look at the rejection as a blessing in disguise. Now you can go forth and find a girl that actually is a good fit for you. The point I am trying to make is this: you cannot know what the rejection means. In the short-term it might feel bad, but you have no idea what it teaches you or what it might lead to. You cannot judge the rejection as something good or bad in most cases. Constantly looking at the negative, even when it isn’t necessary, isn’t productive. Believe me, I’ve been there and done that.

4. No Rejection, No Growth

What would happen if you were never rejected? Would you grow as a human being? Would you need to grow? If everyone says yes to you, you wouldn’t need to change anything and you wouldn’t need to learn anything. That would be a pretty boring life, wouldn’t it? I personally have come to enjoy getting rejected (in most cases) and getting criticized, because I know it’s an opportunity for me to grow. I’ve learned that resisting or hiding from rejection is useless. My ultimate goal is to grow, evolve and become brilliantly better. If I am avoiding rejection then I am in conflict with my goal. It helps to step back and ask yourself what your goal is and if you’re moving away from it with the actions you take every day.

5. Rejection is Essential to Success

If rejection is necessary for growth then we can probably assume that rejection is essential to success. There are many different ways you can look at this. If you run a small company, lose a contract and go bankrupt, is that success? Again, you cannot really know what this will lead to. In that instance, it wasn’t success if you look at it from the viewpoint of making money, but I’m sure you can learn something from the experience of going bankrupt that you can apply to your next endeavor. It all comes back to your own perception of reality. You can use an effective map or a broken map. It is completely up to you. But I’ve found that the more I align myself with reality, the faster I am able to make progress and grow, in both business and life. Sometimes things hurt, but that’s just how life is. It isn’t all a walk in the park, although it surely can be. By becoming aware of your own programming, you can start to remove the bad and replace it with the good.

Author Bio: Henri Junttila is a lifestyle superhero, who writes about self-improvement for conscious people at his blog, the Wake Up Cloud. Make sure you check out his free Discover Your Passion in 5 Days e-course if you’re serious about living a passionate life.

7 Ways To Drastically Improve Your Social Life

This is a guest post by from my friend Bud  Hennekes, @pluginid.

What does your current social situation look like? Are you surrounded by people who bring the best out of you? Or are you held back by individuals who just drag you down? Do you have an abundance of connections? Or do you constantly feel alone?

Regardless of your current social situation, it’s safe to say that one of the most important aspects of your life, is your relationships. Aside from perhaps your spiritual beliefs,  your relationships have the greatest impact on who you are as a person.

Unfortunately, one area many people struggle with is their social life, and for much of my life I struggled to. Fortunately , I soon realized that we are in complete control of our social situation. I’d like to share with you some ways to drastically improve your social life.

Stop Fearing Rejection:

One of the main reasons people struggle to have the social life that they desire is  because the fear of rejection is constantly on their mind.

“What if they don’t like me?”
“What if I’m not good enough?”
“What if I’m different from everyone else?”
“What if they make fun of me?”

Have you ever had any of these thoughts? If so you’re not alone. But here’s the thing, everyone is insecure. Yes, some are more insecure than other’s but everyone has their faults. Don’t waste a second of your time thinking you’re not good enough. Drop those beliefs immediately.

When you focus your attention on what you lack, you can’t see what you currently have. Realize that no one is perfect. No one has everything figured out. That’s what makes you, well you. Remember not everyone is going to like you accept that. Embrace your differences and rise above the fear of rejection.

As soon as you make the decision to stop fearing rejection, your social life will dramatically improve.

Focus on Quality Not Quantity:

Which would you rather have: a ton of half-hearted-connections, or a small group of really good friends?  I don’t know about you, but I’d gladly choose the later.

Unfortunately, many equate having a ton of friends to having an amazing social life, which isn’t always true. While it’s certainly possible to have a large group of friends who you share a wonderful connection with, true intimacy generally occurs in small numbers.

I know plenty of people who have a ton of ‘friends’ but at the end of the day they remain all alone. Don’t fall into that trap. I’m not suggesting  you can’t or shouldn’t have a bunch of friends, but rather  you should focus on the quality of your relationships instead of  the amount of people you can call ‘friends.’

As you develop more and more deep connections your social life will slowly begin to expand to the place where you want it to be.

Care:

While this tip may come off as common sense, so many people forget to do this. Instead of making their relationships a mutual source of happiness, it quickly becomes all about them.

It’s important to make a conscious effort to be as understanding and compassionate as possible.  Genuinely care about the connection you’re creating.

When someone needs a friend, be there to listen. When someone needs advice, be there to give it to them. When you truly care about someone you’ll often find that that person will soon begin to care about you.

The sole purpose of relationships is to care.

Don’t Complain:

Do you enjoy listening to people complain? I know I don’t. When you complain you do nothing but attract more negative thoughts. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong, choose to focus on whats right. People like hanging around people that make them feel better about life, not worse.

Although complaining may seem like a good outlet of frustration, it radiates a considerably bad vibe to all those who notice. While a complaint every now and then isn’t the end of the world, don’t fall into the habit of becoming a chronic complainer.

There was once a period of my life that I would do nothing but complain. During that time I also found that very few people wanted to hang out with me. Coincidence? I think not.

Network:

One of the amazing things about being alive today is that we literally have the ability to connect with millions of people all around the world. 50 years ago that wasn’t possible.

Thanks to the likes of Facebook and Twitter we can connect with virtually anyone we want to. We can establish relationships with people who share our interests and goals, as well as explore other types of belief systems and ideas.

Reach out to people. Share your story. Connect.

Over the past year I’ve literally made hundreds of new friends because of how easy it is to network online. If you’re not actively using social media to mold a social life with an abundance of wonderful connections, you’re missing out.

Take Responsibility For Your Social Life:

Take a look at your current social situation. Realize that you are responsible for each and every relationship you currently have in your life. Only when you take full responsibility for your relationships can you then begin to craft the social circle you desire.

Taking full responsibility isn’t always effortless. Sometimes it’s easier to blame other people for your relationship shortcomings. However when you do that you lose your ability to craft the relationships you wish to have. If you want more meaningful connections in your life it’s up to you make them. If you want more friends in your life it’s up to you to find them. Sitting back and doing nothing will get you nowhere.

As human beings we are incredibly social creatures and relationships play a large role in how we live our life. Are you happy with who you surround  yourself with? Or could you use some work in this area?

Believe You’re Worthy:

Perhaps the greatest thing you can do to drastically improve your social life is this: Believe you’re worthy.

Don’t walk around with your head down low thinking you have nothing to offer. Know deep down that you have something meaningful to share with this world. If you don’t know what that is just quite yet, continue to search.

No matter where you are currently, know that you have the ability to change your social life. It doesn’t matter if you’re shy, or you’re just trying to make a few more friends, you are deserving of the relationships you want.

You have nothing to prove to anyone, you’re perfect the way you are, faults and all. An abundance of wonderful relationships await.

Author Bio: Bud Hennekes is the new writer behind the personal development blog PluginID (you can subscribe directly to his blog by RSS). His hobbies vary depending on the day but more often than not he enjoys: reading, writing, conversation, meditating, and changing the world.

How To Be Ridiculous

Have you ever feel ridiculous? Ever been laughed at? Don’t answer that, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I know these types of answers can be considered sometimes “sensitive information”. You don’t really have to answer, if it makes you feel awkward. I can do it for you and I will: yes, I felt ridiculous a number of times. Yes, I’ve been laughed at, and not only once.

Ok, so what? I don’t have any visible scars from being ridiculous (and no invisible scars either). Then what is really the problem with being ridiculous? Why this fear of making a “faux pas”? Why this obsession of avoiding to be laughed at in public (and not only)?

Being Ridiculous

Have you ever saw an infant learning to walk? Noticed how he stumbles, fall, crawl and then get back on his feet again and start over? Everybody admires that. But what happens if you see a grown up doing the same thing? Suddenly, the stumbling, the falling and the crawling are ridiculous.

Being ridiculous means creating an unexpected and violent contrast between what you’re doing now and what you are generally expected to do. As a grown up you’re expected to walk steadily. Stumbling, falling and crawling will generate a huge contrast to this expectation. If you do that, you will be ridiculous. Similarly, an infant is expected to stumble and crawl, so he does not create any contrast at all between what he does now and what he’s expected to do. He’s just natural.

Every ridiculous situation is created from this contrast: you’re doing something surprisingly different from what you’re expected to.

Ridiculously Rejected

This contrast creates a certain response: people notice it and react to it. Most of the time, by rejecting you. And voila, the answer to our initial question: people fear being ridiculous because they fear rejection. Being ridiculous is a social illness and it manifests only in groups, by the way. You can’t really be ridiculous when you’re alone.

As strange as it may seem, this rejection is somehow natural. If you’re showing such a big contrast from what you’re usually doing and what you are doing just now, society tries to protect itself. You’re acting differently, or at least unpredictably. And for the sake of its own safety, society hates everything unpredictable.

You Can’t Do Without It

Now, we all do our best to have a consistent social behavior and avoid those awkward contrasts. Generally speaking, society likes this approach and rewards us by giving back validation. When we’re not ridiculous, we’re usually respected and accepted. But what happens when we have no other option than to create this contrast? Because, believe it or not, we do get forced to become ridiculous. Yes, we do. You don’t believe me? Follow on.

Have you ever thought what exactly happens when you learn something? Well, whenever you learn something new, when you’re trying to acquire a new skill or implement a new habit, you’re in fact bridging a huge gap between the actual you and the next you, the one who’ll have that habit, skill or ability. When you learn something new, you create an unexpected and sometimes violent contrast between the current you and the future you. Starting to get my point? Glad you do.

When we learn, when we grow, when we evolve, we are ridiculous. We are so different from the person we want to become, that we simply cannot avoid being ridiculous. Remember when you first started to learn a foreign language? Or cooking? Or some sport? Remember your hideous accent, your tasteless, ugly meals or your clumsy, mechanical moves? Well, my friend, you were ridiculous. Really ridiculous.

Truth is, we all are. We’re all becoming better, we’re all evolving and each time we’re aiming at something much better than we are now, being ridiculous is absolutely mandatory. It means we’re getting there. We’re creating the contrast. We’re leaving behind something familiar and we’re stumbling upon a new territory. The biggest the gap we want to bridge, the highest our ridiculous meter.

When To Worry

As a rule of thumb, when you got used to being ridiculous, without really evolving into something new, you should take a step back. It means you’re no longer advancing. You’re on the same level, although there’s been a while since you started to do that specific thing. To continue our comparison, if you still stumble and crawl when you’re in high school, well, unless you have a serious physical condition, that should be a problem. You should really have learn how to walk by the time you’re eighteen.

Whenever you’re ridiculous not because of the contrast between your older, dustier version of you and the shinier, new version of you, well, you’re in trouble.

It means you’re not growing, you’re just funny, in a sad way.

How To Be Ridiculous

When I started to blog constantly in English, more than a year ago, I “enjoyed” a lot of ridiculousness. The main reason: my English skills. Which were poor, to say the least. Truth is I never had an English lesson in my entire life. Not a single one. All that I’ve learned was by watching movies, reading programming documentation and other blogs. I learned by absorption. And when you learn like this, you should expect some serious flaws.

Every now and then some of my readers are kind enough to give me some grammar or vocabulary advice. They expect me to be proficient in English and every small mistake is immediately spotted. Of course, in the process, they make fun of me. Lately, since this blog really picked it up and became popular, I have some “spelling nazis” hunting for my English blunders and vocally announcing them on Twitter or in their blogs.

My reaction: I’m happy about it. It means this blog created such high expectations that every small mistake is by contrast unacceptable. I’m really, really happy about that. Oh, in the process, I’m also aware of the fact that I’m being ridiculous. Which means I’m getting there.

I think by now you realized that every time you will want to grow, you will face this danger of becoming ridiculous. Well, live with it, it’s part of the deal. And yes, you will face rejection, that’s also part of the deal. What we call society, this group in which you are living, keeps a certain memory about you and when you grow you will violently change it. You will become different (hopefully, better).

To this new image of you, society reacts by questioning your status quo: “hey, you’re not the guy I know, but you’re not his newer version either. Who are you, funny guy?”. Just keep doing what you’re started and do whatever you can to become your better version, until you force society to acknowledge it. At some point, after you get better and better at what you’re doing, it will have no other option than to accept and validate your new you.

Being appropriately ridiculous is an art. The art of accepting your own mistakes. The art of keep growing until you’re not making them anymore. The art of daring to become so differently from your older version that sometimes you won’t be recognized anymore.

The art of creating an incredibly better you.