5 Types Of False Positive People

Man, it’s good to let some steam off. At least, from time to time. Every time you deal with aggressive or frustrated people, the energy between you is curbed. This is how it works, their actions or words are dislocating large chunks of energy that you have to process somehow. Pressure builds up. Most of the time, that pressure and aggressiveness can be recycled. But sometimes, it can’t. So you let the steam out and this is how you deal with aggressive and frustrated people.

But as I looked over the other day post and its reactions on Twitter and Facebook, something interesting stroke me. You know, aggressive people are easy to spot. They’re loud and somehow visible. They yell at you and they even become physically violent. But they’re not the only species that can hurt you. Not even remotely. In a way, they’re easier to deal with because they’re honest and easy to spot.

But there are a few types of people who are even worse than them. I call those “false positive people”. It’s coming from a programming concept, in which you create an algorithm and then start feeding it with data, but at some point, the algorithm is bypassed by a piece of data that it normally shouldn’t. That event is called “a false positive”. It looks like it’s ok, but it’s not.

False positive people are difficult to spot. They’re not yelling at you. They’re not trying to hurt you openly. At least not from the beginning. They build a sugary image used to get close to you and then, when they’re close enough, they start their own hurting game. In my experience, there are at least 5 types of false positive people.

1. The Empowerer

This is what I call “the vampire“.  Their sugary line is: ”I get out the best of people.“ And most of the time, you fall for that. Who doesn’t want to get out the best of themselves? But beyond that sugary line lies a bunch of frustration and lack of attention.

The ”empowerer” doesn’t really want to get anything out of you. What he wants is to be listened continuously and taken care of. The subtle mechanic of his game is: “You see, I get out the best of you, now you should do the same for me. Or at least thank me in some way”.

That was my very first false positive and I fought for a long time with it, almost 8-9 years. It went on an on with an imbalanced relationship until I realized that I’m the only one that can get out the best of me. At that point, the energy exchange game stopped.

2. The Surviving Victim

This is a disguised abuser. Their sugary line is: “Everybody treated me so bad, you’re the only one that understands me.”. Of course, nobody treated them bad. As a matter of fact, the “surviving victims” are getting the best treatment they can dream of. Only they never admit it.

Most of the time they’re looking around to tell their sad stories to whoever is willing to listen. The moment you start to express some mild interest, (not to mention the tiniest compassion) they’re ready to “surrender” to your powerful hands. Only they’re not really surrendering, they’re taking over your life.

That’s the second type I met and lived with for a long time. Around 5 years of endless back and forth of “everybody treated me so bad, you’re the only one that I trust. As long as you’re going to do exactly how I say to you, right?”.

3. The Cheerleader

This is a disguised manipulator. He’s the one that give pats on the back but never really care about you. Ready to take your place anytime. Talking behind your back. Bragging around with your successes. The happy-go-lucky pal that will always be ready to take your girlfriend out “to a movie”.

They don’t have a sugary line, but most likely a sugary approach. Their apparent joy and availability is in fact a facade for a very clear purpose. Once you immersed in their enthusiastic vibration, you’re going to obey to their small and almost impossible to refuse requests.

This type is very often found in business relationships. The social norm in these circles is to smile and be available. On top of this game, it’s very easy to construct a more sophisticated behavior with the only goal of obtaining influence or manipulate other people. Took me a few years to learn to isolate them from the genuinely enthusiastic business partners I had.

4. The Yesman

This is a disguised con. Their sugary line is: “You’re awesome, man, everything you do is just amazing!”. Other variations include: “You know I am your friend.” or “Whatever you say.”. Behind this line there is, of course, a simple intention to get something from you.

It wasn’t until recently that I was confronted with yesmen. Partly because I never showed myself as a powerful or resourceful person, choosing a much humbler approach. That way, I wasn’t useful, since they allegedly didn’t have anything to take from me.

But in the end, I had to have this infamous conversation myself:  “I am your friend, can you lend me some money?”, “But of course, when are you getting to pay it back?”, “In two weeks. Top.”. Never seen that money again, of course.

5. The Savior

This is a disguised dominator. Their sugary line is: “I know how to save you. Just let yourself in my power and I’ll take care of you.” Most of the time, the savior did have some psychological knowledge (acquired or instinctual). Meaning that he will prove to some point that he can be useful.

But once you take off some of your shields, he will become your worst nightmare. The most unpleasant part of a relationship with a “savior“ it’s their constant need to be in control, to watch your moves and to be sure you’re following their instructions.

I found my ”savior“ a few times, most of the time by willingly investing them with my own power, hoping that things will turn out well. It never did, of course. The problem wasn’t that they were all becoming dominating at some point, but the fact that I thought I had a problem in the first place.

***

One thing that you should be aware of, when dealing with other people, being them openly aggressive or disguised as false positive, is that they’re just tools for your destiny. They’re looking and acting in a certain way to you because you filter them in that specific way. They’re like this for you and for you only. In other words, the problem they’re pointing at is inside you.

Every man is true to himself. Deep down, everybody wants to be happy. We just choose different paths on this road. And these paths can hurt or empower other people. For some, we may come out as true and balanced individuals. But for others, we may be their empowerer, their surviving victim, their cheerleader, their yesman or their savior. Provided that they’re allowing us to perform like this for them.

So, apart from getting your distance and protect yourself from the false positive people in your life, take the time to always remember that they’re nothing but tools in your destiny.

In the end, what needs to be worked out is inside you.

3 Life Lessons

Today I will follow an honoring invitation from fellow blogger Abubakar Jamil, on a topic very close to me: life lessons. Since life is already too short for all the things we’d like to do, I will skip any introduction.

1. You Gotta Live It To Settle It

The Story

When I was 18 I had to serve as a soldier for my country. 2 months after I started my service, a series of events, known today as the Romanian Revolution, took place. Without any previous warning, I found myself in the middle of a civil war. As a soldier, I had to protect my leader, the communist dictator Ceausescu. But as a free man, I wanted to follow the current, and support the groups who started to broke down one of the most stupid and perverted communist regimes in the Eastern Europe.

When the first signs of riots came to our military unit, I had to do my first shift as a guard. The schedule for guards was made weeks before. At that time, I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me: why should I have to find myself in the middle of the field, with only 5 bullets (the maximum under the communist regime) trying to protect myself from the military intelligence who wanted to force us to fight and from the insurgents, who were thinking I was their enemy. It was one of the most intense, powerful, and, I admit it, one of the most frightening situations I ever experienced. Now, I think this was one of the luckiest moments of my life.

I didn’t sleep for 5 nights and 6 days. After this time, I was reborn. In just 5 nights and 6 days, the communist regime was down and almost the entire riot was finished. What initially looked like a long and wearing civil war ended in less than a week. Some of my army colleagues decided to withdraw from their duty, calling in sick and stacking up at the infirmary beds. I didn’t. I chose to stay there and face my fate. I stayed there, in the trenches and looked my own fears in the eyes. In the 6th morning, when one of my colleagues came in running, telling me that Ceausescu was captured, I felt reborn. And I really was reborn.

The Lesson

Avoidance is not a solution. Withdrawal is not a solution. Whenever life puts a violent crisis in front of you, live it. Be there, do your thing. Not only you will emerge stronger and wiser than before, but, most of the time, you’ll realize the crisis was much easier than you expected it. It wasn’t really such a big deal. As long as you dealt with it.

Read more about my experience as a Romanian soldier during the Romanian Revolution.

2. Understand Your Own Message

The Story

A few months ago,, my 4 year old daughter, Bianca, made a habit out of asking for my iPhone every morning. And every morning I gave it to her, hoping she will play some of the games we picked together. Every morning, after keeping my iPhone for a few minutes, she handed it back and went to spend her day as usual. After a few weeks, when I started my Notes app, I discovered some gibberish in it, apparently written the same morning.

I wasn’t the author of that sequence of letters, that’s for sure. It was something like “iauhdkajh skljah laskjhf”. I assumed that my iPhone was accidentally started in my pocket and moved over. But there was another note, with the date of the previous day. The same random letters and some numbers. And so was the day before, and the day before. Then it hit me: it was Bianca’s writing. This is what she was doing every morning with my iPhone.

When I asked her what she was writing, she answered in a second: “well, it was a few days ago, when we went to see a movie”. And this note, what was this for? “Well, when we went together in the park, don’t you remember?”. As we talked more about those notes I realized that Bianca was writing her own journal there. Her own book of life. Only it was in a very strange language for me. Without her help, I couldn’t understand it.

The Lesson

Don’t make assumptions. Be clear. Your book of life may sound ok for you, but other people may not get it. You gotta be sure everybody understands your message. Every time you experience some misunderstandings in your life, check your message first. Your message may be just a row of gibberish to the other person. Do your best to translate your message accordingly.

Read more about Bianca’s book of life.

3. You Don’t Really Have Enemies

The Story

Almost a year ago I started a blogging workshop. I announced it on my blog and through my professional and personal network. To my surprise, a lot of people expressed their interest in it. Although it was priced as a premium product, with 3 full days of teaching, practical lessons and live blogging, I had the spots filled in not only for the first (and the only one, in my mind) session, but for a second one too. To any of my personal standards, this project was a big success.

At the same time, the most visited blogger in Romania wrote a very negative review about this project. In fact, he wrote an entire negative blog post about my person. Apparently, I wasn’t able to open a computer, had no expertise whatsoever in blogging and the whole workshop was way to pricey. In other words, a scam. It wasn’t the first time when that blogger had an aggressive attitude towards me, he had very negative blog posts about me back when I had a network of niche websites in Romania.

I answered to that blog post with a comment detailing my position. For a few hours I was concerned about the whole story. Until I realized something I should have seen from the first second. I didn’t need any validation. The whole blog post proved something much more important (and subtle, for what matters): my actions created a real impact. A very big one, to be honest. Although that blogger positioned himself as an opponent, he really wasn’t one. He just showed me that he was afraid of what I did. He felt his position was threatened. (Of course, it wasn’t about himself and his line of business, because my workshop had a completely different approach to blogging, but that was not important anymore).

The Lesson

You have only friends. Some of them may teach you something in a very harsh way but they are still your friends. When somebody attacks you, don’t fall for your first reaction: defending yourself, excusing or even accusing the other part. This may mean you’re powerful beyond what you perceive and you must have scared the other person. Either way, the whole concept of enemy disappears in this approach.

***

Do you  have any other lessons to share? If yes, I’d be happy to learn yours either in the comments or in your own blog posts. There’s a whole lot of bloggers covering their life experiences in this series.

Passion Is Power

What’s your real passion? What’s that thing that you could do all day long, without even thinking of being tired, with deep focus and endless joy? Finding your true passion is one of the most important breakthroughs you can hit in your life.

Choosing A Personal Path

It surely was quite a breakthrough in my life, that I know for sure. 10 years ago I started my own business, as an independent online publisher. Took me several years to understand that my real passion was only partially congruent with my business, and several other years to solve this situation.

I didn’t know from the beginning that I was on a slightly wrong path. Having an online business is a great play. And I mean it, it’s something that you should really play with. But it wasn’t my true passion. Being an online entrepreneur was connecting with my true passion on several points, but it wasn’t a perfect match. The rest was a really consuming activity. I was confused. Some things I had to do while having an online business were nourishing me, some things were draining me out. I just wasn’t complete.

Being an independent online publisher had a lot of nice things attached. I was my own boss (I still like this, by the way), I was playing on a revolutionary field, I was facing challenges all the time. I even learned programming and that was a thing that proved useful to me for years. But it wasn’t enough. Although I enjoyed my new status a lot, something was missing from the puzzle.

Most of the people I met during that time admired me. Some of them for the courage of being an entrepreneur, some of them for the quite visible success I had in my niche. But I never felt very comfortable in that position.

Passion Is Power

Most of the time you go for the things you admire. There’s an inner mimic approach in our human nature that makes for a constant, magnetic attraction towards the things or the persons we admire. We tend to be like them. We chose role models and spend our life trying to be like them. Most of the people are living by imitation. (more…)