Taming Monkey Number 10: Talk Less, Do More

Every once in a while, when I’m in the middle of a discussion, Bianca, my 5 year old daughter breaks in with a low voice, but very firmly: “dad, you talk too much!” And oh, she is right every time.

I don”t know from where she picked this up. It may be that at some point I said that to her. Or it may be that she simply believes that I do talk too much. And as much as I don’t want to admit it, it’s true. I have this tendency to over-verbalize stuff (I don’t even know if “over-verbalize” is a word, but it looked nice here). I have an obsession for putting things into words and writing them down. On the bright side, this created a blog with 100.000 unique visitors each month. Writing three times a week, for three years, well, that pays back big time.

But on the dark side, this has some surprising side effects. Introducing monkey number 10: “talk less, do more”. If you read my blog for a while, you know that for 2011 I ditched my new year resolutions in favor of a new approach: 12 monthly challenges, in which I will try to “tame an inner monkey”. If you want to know the full scoop, read the introductory post here. And if you want to know more about what an inner monkey is, read this.

The Challenge

When I refer to “talking too much”, the usual suspect is, of course, the blog. This is why I took a huge break in October. I barely wrote 3 articles for the entire month. Which is almost nothing for me. And since I got here, I want to thank to all of you who wrote me to ask if everything is ok. Yes, it is. Better than never actually.

But when I say “talking too much”, I also mean spending too much energy in putting my life into words each and every day, versus actually doing stuff and enjoying it. And that was the biggest challenge for October. There were moments during which I felt a bit lost and adrift. Because I was very much used to anchor myself daily in my own story. Like writing on the blog, engaging in social media, journaling and so on. It was a very secure approach. Gave me stability and a sense of purpose.

But clinging too much on your own story may take you away from other, possibly much more interesting stories. Introversion and self exploration is good, but the world, believe it or not, is also taking place outside. Like in the things you do. Decisions you take and implement. Relationships you start and manage. Waking up each day, doing stuff without writing it down and then going to sleep with that unspeakable sense of fulfilling, only to wake up refreshed and ready to start again next morning. And when you’re immersed in this ocean of events, talking about them may start to feel almost superfluous.

That was the biggest lesson I learned by taming the 10th monkey. I may have talked too much in the past, but I think I found a little bit of balance now. So do expect me to continue to write here, but not at the same pace as before. Or, to be more correct, not in an imposed, artificial pace. If I feel I have to write 3 posts per day, I’ll do it. If I feel I want to write only one post per month, I will write only one post per month.

Life Unfolding

Since the lesson is learned, I think it’s safe to make a short recap of what I actually did during October. And, as you will see, it’s a lot.

Moved out into a new apartment

During the process, I did some of the most empowering stuff I did lately. Namely, I got rid of some of the stuff I wrote as a teenager (among other stuff). When I moved out from the house I still own (rented it to somebody when I decided to move out) I had to get rid of an incredibly high amount of stuff. Literally there were hundreds of useless objects I had to throw away. And, among them, my teenage notebooks. I always thought of what I wrote in those notebooks like something that defined me. And by doing this, I was stuck in that definition of myself. Unable to move out, to change, to explore. Throwing away some of my notebooks (along with other garbage) was a liberating experience. Letting go is tough, but necessary.

Retook my position in WPSumo

I always was very fond of this project. So, when an opportunity to take over the entire WPSumo project from one of the founders emerged, I jumped on it. I’m still putting together the bits and pieces, reframing the strategy and taking care of the usual stuff that a business require, but all in all I’m really happy I’m on board again.

Went to an improv show for the first time

It may seem like a minor event, but for me was important. Also, proved that once you set up your vibration properly, necessary events are created into your life. Seeing this show – which made me laugh incessantly for almost two hours – made me realize that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Improvise. Expect the unexpected. And, most important, learn to laugh at it, instead of controlling the outcome.

Signed my first independent publishing agreement

Two of my titles will be translated into Korean and sold as ebooks by an independent publisher. This is big. This is something so important for me, that I can barely put it into words. I don’t think it will be huge in terms of revenue – although my publisher said I was a pretty tough negotiator – but it is already very important in terms of personal choices. I do write books and they are needed by people. They are actually published. It’s hard to describe the feeling, believe me.

All in all, I think it was a very dense month.

The 11th Monkey

It will be about relationships. I am committed to strengthen my relationships on all levels: professionals, in the first place, and, most important, personal. I already did a few moves in this area and things are looking pretty good. Also, there are a few supporting events that will make this challenge even more interesting during November.

On 7th, I will be part of a panel at ZileleBiz, a national business event in Romania, where I will speak about digital nomading. On 22nd I’m invited to the biggest Internet event in Romania, NetCamp, and on 23rd I will be again part of VentureConnect, a very special business opportunity, which aims at connecting entrepreneurs with investors.

So, busy times ahead. Like I said: talk less and do more.

You Have The Right To Hit Your Own Wall

I don’t know why, but I always hated to be taken care of. I can’t stand to be helped when I don’t want to. Even as a kid, I didn’t feel comfortable when my parents were overprotective or when some challenges were silently removed with the help of other people. I felt like I was missing something. And it wasn’t always the thrill of the risk, it was something more.

The Hidden Poison

Later on, when I grew up and started to engage in my own relationships, something interesting happened. I started to notice when other people were heading against a “wall” too. In other words, I started to see how the outcome of a certain activity a certain person was engaging in, would be toxic for that specific person. Call it experience, or intuition, or luck, fact is I started to notice the “walls” the people were heading against. And they were literally running for that wall, with a lot of confidence and full speed.

In my early relationships I took the protective role. Every time I was perceiving such a wall, I took pride in letting the other person know about it. You’re heading against a wall, you’re going to get hurt. I even explained the whole process and how exactly the wall is going to hit. Most of the time, the other person would listen to me.

But, surprisingly enough, every time the partner was listening to me and the wall was circumvented following my advice, the relationship was slowly starting to degrade. Not immediately and not visibly, but there was a certain trend, a nuance that in a few months or years evolved in a much stronger difference of opinions. It was like avoiding the wall poisoned the relationship. Of course, my warnings were correct, and from an individual perspective, everything was better than before: the other person avoided a major crisis. But at the relationship level, something was rotten.

That Tired, Protective Guy

Let me give you an example. I had a girlfriend who was rather impulsive. Although we had quite a lot of emotional bonding and an overall healthy and friendly relationship, there were a lot of times when her impulsivity made her say stupid things or act in violent ways. Of course, those rants had consequences. Very close to the consequences you get after you hit a wall. Because I really enjoyed the other part of the relationship, I took the protective approach. Every time she was ready to hit another “wall” of impulsivity I was there, subtly turning the events in a different direction. For a good amount of time I was able to maintain a balance.

But then something different started to emerge. Not only was I supposed to give more and more support, but my peaceful approach was taken for granted. It was like keeping the relationship sane and safe was my job, and my job only. Quite a difference from the beginning, when we were just two people who were enjoying each other and their life together. Now I was supposed to calm her down all the time, to swallow in silence every fight and to be there at any sign of imbalance. Instead of being her friend I become her shrink.

Took me a while to realize that I don’t want to be a shrink for my personal relationships, but I eventually did it. And at that moment I left. And I congratulate myself every single day for that decision. When I did it, things were already in pretty bad shape. I was “guilty” for everything in the Universe, for her failures, for my failures, for her decisions as well as for mines. Quite a mess. And the breaking up didn’t went well either.

However, in a few months the silence slowly covered the whole mess and I was able to start fresh. This time, with a valuable lesson learned. I entered a new relationship ready to let the other person made her own mistakes. I made a commitment to be there after the hit, if and when she needs me, of course, but basically leave her alone to act exactly as she wants.

Now, back to the first relationship. We met again a few months ago, now from totally different positions. We still have a lot in common (I won’t detail more, but we still have some lifelong commitments). Fact is that even when we met again, the “you gotta solve this mess” approach was still there. Dormant, immobile and silent, but ready to be awaken at the slightest sign of complacency from my part. Of course, I didn’t gave such a sign, nor do I intend to do it. Everybody has their own walls to be hit.

Help and Growth

Hitting your own wall, doing your own mistakes and recovering from them is fundamental. You can’t function in a balanced way if you avoid doing that. Most of the time, people are avoiding difficult challenges upfront. But sometimes, our so-called friends and partners act in an over-protective way, preventing us from dealing with our problems.

Many marriages are based on this rotten approach. The wife is not autonomous because she is afraid of getting a job (afraid of failure, afraid of spending too much time there as opposed to being a mother or afraid of being on her own). And the partner will start to provide more and more, in order to keep her sane and safe. Hitting the wall of “getting a job” and “being autonomous” is exactly what the wife needs in order to grow. By providing her cut of the revenue too, husband will block this process. And, after a certain amount of time, husband will find himself in the very awkward position of providing a lot of other stuff besides the material support. Enormous emotional support being the most common one.

Instead of a balanced relationship between two people who are enjoying themselves and their time together, they now have a binomial: one of the members is in constant need (material, emotional) and the other one is constantly providing. And because of the nature of the exchange, the one who provides will never be perceived as a partner, but as a provider. It will be more like a parent-child relationship.

Now, I know what you think: if you, as a personal development blogger, tell us to go ahead and hit our own walls, what exactly are you doing here? How do you expect us to find something useful for our problems in your blog? Well, that’s an interesting question and I hear it a lot (sometimes in a different form, but it’s very common). “What exactly are you doing with this personal development thing?”

Well, I’m not here, as a personal development blogger, to solve your problems. I’m not here to prevent you from hitting your own walls. Hitting your own walls is a fundamental right. I’m not going to take that away from you. Here, on this blog, I share my experiences in the hope that they will be motivational and inspiring. I try to ignite the spark of action. The spark of change. But that spark alone won’t do a thing by itself. You have to give it more oxygen in order to make it a fire. You have to do things. Even if that means hitting your own wall.

Warnings and Mistakes

Now that you’re prepared to start doing your own mistakes, let’s finish with a nice joke about warnings:

Two monks were sitting on the side of the road, with huge signs in big letters: “The end is near. Repent!” Cars were passing by pretty fast and of course, nobody would stop.. After a few seconds, powerful crash sounds were coming from behind the monks. And after each sound, the monks were trying to be even more persuasive, almost shouting.

After a few hours of doing this, one of them, apparently the younger one, asks the other: “Father, don’t you think it would be better to just write on those signs: broken bridge ahead?”.

I know, I laughed too.

Psychological Benefits And Drawbacks Of A Raw Food Diet

We’ll, it’s been almost 3 months since I am on a raw food diet now, and things are going extremely well for me. I thought to write something about my weight loss and other physical benefits, but then I realized I could wait a little more, like 2 weeks, in order to have a round number of months. And that would be 3 months of raw food diet, on or around 4th November this year.

But until then, I’m sure I can write something about those not so visible benefits and drawbacks of a raw food diet. In my opinion, these are even more important than physical benefits, because those influences appears and manifest on many levels, including the physical level. And, to be honest, they tend o be somehow excluded from the mainstream, where everybody talks about recipes, fitness and raw food processors. So, without further ado, let’s start with this.

Psychological Benefits Of A Raw Food Diet

The mental benefits of a raw food diet are being visible after the first 3-4 weeks, if you had raw food experiences before, or after the 6th or 7th week if not. I guess this lag is related to the adaptation period, and with the fact that your eating habits are being strongly challenged, which in turn takes a lot of your focus. But after this detox period, you will notice that without any trace of confusion.

Mental clarity

This is related to all of your mental states, being relaxation, moderate activity or intense focus. In each and every mental states I experienced an increased clarity and quality. I wish I could explain in a more scientific way the causes for that, but, since I’m not a scientist, I guess I’ll pass this. I just feel a lot of thinking intensity and a greater solving problem capacity. It’s not related only to the blogging activities, but in all areas, from simple day to day life planning, to more complex activities, like planning the move to New Zealand. This mental clarity itself would be enough for me not to try to go back to cook food. (more…)

Why Going To New Zealand

Once my business completely sold and after all the other assets will be transformed into money, we will move to a new country, New Zealand. This announce made quite a bit of shock among my current circle of friends, business partners and relatives. For those of you who don’t know, New Zealand is almost exactly under Romania, the Eastern European country in which I was born and lived up to my 37th year. Basically, if you put a long enough sting into an Earth scholar globe, and start from Bucharest, it will go out exactly from the Auckland, New Zealand, the other side of the planet. I guess it’s more than 180 degrees of change, if you know what I mean… So the surprise and shock were understandable to some point.

Most of the people were puzzled by the size of all the involved changes and, most of the time unconsciously, made the assumption that the decision was a sort of escape, a “take the money and run” attitude, in which we try to move from a difficult country as far as possible. Living in Romania is hard these days, it’s an evolving country, and its evolution is accelerated. There is an incredible diversity of attitudes and people, from the consumerism and deception, to spirituality and compassion. The proportion of these ingredients varies drastically though, and this mix makes up for some pretty interesting rollercoaster. I was living here all my life, and for the last 10 years as an entrepreneur. It’s not easy, and I know a lot of people who got really sick and tired of all the moral problems like corruption, deceptive politics, economical instability, and ran as far as possible from them.

Well, is not my case. I know it’s difficult to live in Romania, but I’m not going away because of that. From some very practical approach, living in a new country, whatever country that might be, is far more difficult than living in a country you do know for more than 30 years. The main point is that I’m doing it out of intention, not out of reaction. This is a very important difference and I will try to make it as clear as I can below.

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